browser life

The air is thick with memes! This one was fun. I can post the answers later if anyone is curious.

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line of the song (or first and second line if it's completely impossible)
from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing (unless the title of the song is in that line. If that happens, go to the next song).
Step 3: Tag at least 10 of your friends
If I tagged you, I'm positive you can identify at least one of these... name the title and the artist.
Step 4: Bold Strike out the songs when someone guesses *both artist and track* correctly. and put the artist and song title under it so ppl know what it was
Step 5: If you weren't tagged go for it anyway!
Step 6: If you like the game post your own

Here's mine:

1. I've been crying cause I'm lonely (for you) / Smiles have all turned to tears
2. My name is volatile / I've been this way a long while
3. I took my love, I took it down / Climbed a mountain and I turned around
4. In the days of my youth / I was told what it was to be a man
5. Heart breaker, soul shaker / I've been told about you
6. Fumbling his confidence / And wondering why the world has passed him by
7. While there is time/ Let's go out and feel everything
8. I can't escape this hell / So many times I've tried
9. When you first left me / I was wanting more
10. What I've got you've got to give it to your mamma
11. Everybody wants you - everybody wants your love / I'd just like to make you mine
12. Sittin' in the classroom thinkin' its a drag / Listening to the teacher rap--just ain't my bag
13. I'm not content to be with you in the daytime / Girl I want to be with you all of the time
14. Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law / Law man has put an end to my running and I'm so far from my home
15. Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time / And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach
16. Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm / I know; its been comin' for some time.
17. Now the king told the boogie men / You have to let that raga drop
18. Automatic Supersonic Hypnotic Funky Fresh / Work My Body So Melodic
19. Here come old flattop he come grooving up slowly / He got joo-joo eyeball he one holy roller
20. Can't seem to get my mind off of you / Back here at home there's nothin' to do
21. I'm sitting on this bar stool talking like a damn fool / Got the 12 o'clock news blues
22. You can’t depend on your teacher / You can’t depend on your preacher
23. I was angry when I met you, I think I'm angry still / We can try to talk it over if you say you'll help me out
24. I was dreamin' when I wrote this
25. As I sit here and slowly close my eyes / I take another deep breath
26. It's nine o'clock on a Saturday / The Regular crowd shuffles in
27. How does it feel to treat me like you do / When you've laid your hands upon me
28. Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen / Tonight we'll put all other things aside.
29. All the old paintings on the tomb / They do the sand dance, don'cha know?
30. I ain't goin' to school it starts too early for me

Got this in the Fibrohugs Newsletter, entitled "The Ultimate Anti-depressant". I highly recommend trying most of these suggestions before resorting to meds....


A GREAT RECIPE...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to your God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. Your GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: 'I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.'

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.

Trust me, this works.

In case you missed it, the text of Obama's inaugural speech. The video of the speech is also on the page, but I can't figure out how to copy it here....

Transcript - Barack Obama's Inaugural Address - Text - NYTimes.com

I very much want to elaborate on my views on the day's events, but unfortunately, I completely wore myself out just watching them on TV. So in case I don't get to it here in further detail, I'll sum up by saying I'm very proud, very moved, very inspired.

A day late, but worth posting nevertheless. I'm sure this will come to mind as I watch Obama's inauguration....

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note filling in the questions about you.

A
- Available: only to my husband, lol
- Age: 44
- Annoyance: people who are proud of being ignorant or wrong
- Animal: unfortunately none

B
- Beer: Can't have it anymore. I did like Kilian's Ale though.
- Birthday: March 22
- Best feeling in world: Being spoiled by my husband
- Blind or Deaf: I've been both at the same time; neither are fun. I guess deaf because even though it would totally suck to no longer be able to hear music, deafness requires less accommodation (as in I could still drive).
- Best weather: 80 degrees in Kona, Hawaii where the air smells like flowers.
- Been on stage: Most recently, in October when I became a member of my church.
- Believe in Santa: Hmmm....does he believe in me??

C
- Candy: extra dark chocolate
- Color: purple of course
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican: are we talking food or people? I like both, lol
- Cake or pie: Pie crust-less gluten free pumpkin pie
- Cheese: yes, and lots of it!

D
- Day or Night: sunset (I'm always asleep during sunrise)
- Dance in the rain: not necessarily literally, but yeah
- Diets: Ack. No wheat, rye, barley, oats, aspartame, MSG, peppermint. Limited meat, raw vegetables, fat, high fructose corn syrup, chemicals in general. Moderate carbs. High lean protein and easy to digest foods.

E
- Eyes: dark brown
- Everyone has: good and bad in them. What varies is what they choose to do with it.
- Ever failed a class? Worst was a tie between computer programming and astronomy where getting an "A" on final pulled my overall grade up to one point past a "D".

F
- Full name: Karen Lynne
- First thoughts waking up: owwwww
- Food: too many to list, but of the ones I can still eat, Asian, Indian, Mexican, Italian.

G
- Greatest Fear: falling into poverty and even worse health should my disability benefits be terminated.
- Goals: staying as healthy as possible in all ways
- Gum: I like it, but my TMJ doesn't
- Get along with your parents: My dad, yes, because I just smile pretty when he is annoying, lol
- Good luck charm: Can that be a person? If so, Dan.

H
- Hair Color: boring brown. I miss when I could afford to color it violet, or black, or blonde, or cherry red or redhead red.
- Happy: surprisingly, yes.
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: while dreaming something particularly pleasant.
- Ice Cream: can't have peppermint anymore, so chocolate mint chip is out. Now plain vanilla, the real kind without all those nasty chemicals in it.
- Instrument: does iTunes count? Did piano as a child but wasn't good at it.

J
- Jewelry: wedding ring, my mom's custom designed ring, sometimes earrings, sometimes necklaces, sometimes watch, MedicAlert bracelet
- Job: not able to do anything that pays.
- Journal much?: blog when my foggy brain will allow and/or when I'm not sleeping 12+ hours a day

K
- Kids: none
- Kickboxing or karate: almost learned karate, but developed bronchitis and had to drop the class
- K9 or Feline: pups. Cats don't like me much.

L
- Longest Car Ride: Continuously? Bedford, Iowa to Denver straight through. Vacation? Denver south to Texas, all along the Gulf coast including all the way around Florida, then back west to Denver with stops in Memphis and St. Louis.
- Love: every single day.
- Letter: not sure what is wanted here
- Laughed so hard you cried: often

M
- Movies: wayyyy too many to list. I record them on Turner Classic Movies and watch about five per week. I also do Netflix, usually newer stuff. I also have lots of DVDs, videotapes and laser discs.
- Music: I will listen to almost anything. My iTunes currently contains 4048 songs, and that is expected to increase as I transfer my vinyl and cassettes.
- Motion sickness: in the car if I'm looking out the side window too long. At movie theatres if I'm in the front row. If I have a migraine, any motion at all causes sickness.
- McD’s or BK: Can't have either. Rarely, I have chili at Wendy's or soft serve at DQ.

N
- Number of Siblings: 1
- Number of Piercings: 1 in each ear. Would have more if I wasn't such a wimp.
- Number of Tattoos: Love 'em, but have none myself because of a phobia of needles.
- Number: 6

O
- One wish: for Obama to be a great president
- Only the young: think that they are immortal

P
- Perfect Pizza: can no longer have traditional. My gluten free version has turkey pepperoni, mushrooms and reduced fat mozzarella.

Q-
- Quote: "The most wasted of all days is that during which one has not laughed". -Nicolas Chamfort

R
- Reason to cry: innocent casualties of war
- Reality TV: it SUCKS!
- Radio Station: choices are limited in Sioux Falls. Whatever isn't playing a commercial.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: yes. I can also make it undulate, which creeps people out.

S
- Song: just one?
- Salad Dressing: can't have most of them. I make a decent red wine vinegar dressing, though.
- Sushi: haven't tried it yet because I would need to go with someone who knows the good stuff from the bad
- Skipped school: twice with disastrous consequences.
- Smoked: not regular cigarettes, but tried those little cigarillos. Those were ok, but I felt no compulsion to continue.
- Skinny dipped: at certain hot springs in Colorado, no one wears clothes. So, yeah.
- Sing well: afraid not
- Showers: Yes when able, but no more than one a day
- Swear: yes, dammit!
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberry fruit spread, blueberry tea

T
- Time for bed: midnight, but it usually ends up being around 1am
- Take time to: think

U
- Unpredictable: what happens to you. But you can predict that you will usually survive it.
- Under my bed: a double under-dresser.
- Ugliest thing you own: the wall colors in my house. One bedroom is olive green, one bathroom is mud brown, and the kitchen is neon yellow.

V
- Vacation spot: Anywhere I haven't been before, and several that deserve repeats. Kona, Hawaii was the best.
- Vacuuming: can't do it anymore.

W
- Weakness: selfishness
- Which friend acts like you: Dan
- Worst feeling: no longer being able to think of comforting things to say when they are most needed. Stupid cognitive dysfunction.
- Where do we go when we die: I think our spirits continue to exist on a different level, and I don't think it's an actual physical place unless you count other peoples' memories of us.
- Worst Weather: here is pretty damned bad. Last week, it was minus 27F not counting windchill.

X
- X-Rays: yes, and they show arthritis in hands, wrists, feet, ankles, knees and entire spine.
- Xerox any body parts?: not intentionally, lol

Y
-Yes, I'll admit I: I'm horribly sentimental
-Yellow: the hideous color of my kitchen. And I look hideous if I try to wear that color.

Z
- Zoo animal: I like most of them, but zebras best.

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you: Dan the Man (my husband)
2. You went to the mall with: Dan, two years ago
3. You went to dinner with: Dan
4. You talked to on the phone: Dan's mother
5. Made you laugh: unless you count the folks at SNL (just watched their rerun of Presidential Bash), Dan
6. Hugged you: Dan
7. Said they loved you: Dan
8. You spoke with: Dan
9. You cried over: A friend whose granddaughter won't survive birth
10. Made you mad: The ladies in my aquacise class who hate Obama

Stumbled across this on Facebook. I may have shared it several years ago, but it's hilarious and true and worth posting again....

You know you're from Colorado when...

Now I live in a place where there's too much air, hardly a hill much less a mountain, and a winter snowstorm doesn't melt for four months. Sigh.

More goodies from the archives. This travel humor is circa 2003, source unknown....

We all know how misleading the description of hotels and motels can be. So we put together a translation table to help you out... So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!

Old World charm ................ No bath

Tropical ....................... Rainy

Majestic setting ............... A long way from town

Options galore ................. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway .............. Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms ........... Already occupied

Explore on your own ............ Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts ....... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees .................. No extras

Nominal fee .................... Outrageous charge

Standard ....................... Sub-standard

Deluxe ......................... Standard

Superior ....................... One free shower cap

Cozy ........................... Small

All the amenities .............. Two free shower caps

Plush .......................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes ................. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy ................. No air conditioning

Picturesque .................... Theme park nearby

Open bar ....................... Free ice cubes

Concierge ...................... Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast .......... Free muffin

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

This is one of my all-time fave funnies. Found it in the archives from about six years ago....


Shopping For A Bathing Suit

In days gone by, the bathing suit for the over 40 crowd was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn, as engineered to fit.They were built to hold back in the right places and give some uplift - and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice -- -she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia -- or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from assorted designer's florescent rubber bands being sold as bathing suits.

What choice did I have?

I wandered around, and in desperation, picked out one and entered the fitting room (which is known to most of us "older girls" as a chamber of horrors).

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra in that bathing costume must have been developed by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot. I fought my way into it, but as I "twanged" the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror --- my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, -- but it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it, unfortunately. The rest of me rebelliously oozed out from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are!", she said, "that is a lovely suit." I curtly asked what other suits she had to show me.

I tried on a cream-crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape.

I tried on a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a 2-piece leopard skin that covered my stomach with ragged frills and I looked like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink one-piece with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . . a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. I figured at least I had something I could wear and that the hours of search had been productive.

Life is not fair -- when I got home, I found a label, which read -- "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I happen to be there too .. I'll be the person in cut off jeans and a t-shirt........... 

Got this from Beth, one of my Facebook friends. I'm gonna try it right now and see what I get!


Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY??
Sunday Bloody Sunday

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Freak on a Leash

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Georgia On My Mind

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Love Child

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
No One Is to Blame

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Makes Me Wonder

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Build Me Up Buttercup

WHAT IS 2+2?
Self-Esteem

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
Ordinary Average Guy

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
In the Shape of a Heart

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
My Name Is Mud

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Butterfly

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Better Love Next Time

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Bravado

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
This Is The New Shit

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Bye Bye Love

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Simple Kind Of Life

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Black Dog

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Highway Star

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Purple Rain

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Everybody Have Fun Tonight

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Celebrity Skin

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Diary

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Along Came Jones

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Joy To The World

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Video Killed the Radio Star

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Sensoria

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Top of the World

My latest review for But You Don't Look Sick has been posted. This is my third annual review of a "LOST" DVD set....

DVD Review: "LOST", The Complete Fourth Season: The Extended Experience

I had planned an article on organizing medical records for tax season, but someone already beat me to it. Maybe next year. In the meantime, I have several books to review, and I'd better get to them before I completely forget what's in them, heh heh.

An oldie but a goodie. Found it in my archives dated 2004....


When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins -

Take out the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

This one goes back a ways. Found it in my archives, but I think it was originally given to me by a co-worker somewhere between six and ten years ago...


YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN A BABY BOOMER AND A GEN X'ER IF...

1. You remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

2. In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said, "Land shark!"

5. Three words: Atari, IntelliVision and Coleco sound familiar.

6. You remember the days when "safe sex" meant that your parents were gone for the weekend.

7. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

9. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

10. You remember the days when music that was labeled alternative really was.

11. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

12. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

13. You've ever conversationally used the phrase, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

14. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

15. You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.

16. You've ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

17. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy For You" by Madonna.

18. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel obsolete.

19. The phrase, "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

20. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie "Tron".

21. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which could only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting".

22. You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the past five years.

23. You've starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

24. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.

25. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

26. You remember trying to guess the episode of "The Brady Bunch" from the first scene.

27. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

28. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

29. You know who shot JR.

30. This rings a bell: "They work for me. My name is Charlie."

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.

32. You know all the words to the double album set of "Grease".

33. You ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.

35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.

36. You owned a pair of rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

37. You owned a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.

38. You owned a "Preppy Handbook".

39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon" so you just had to settle for second-hand reports.

40. You remember when there was only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still have the emotional scars to this day.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick sized packages of Bazooka gum

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

45. You remember when VCRs cost $2000.

46. You thought there was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You had a rotary dial telephone.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

49. The theme song to "Greatest American Hero" still comes back to you on occasion. (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)

50. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "When I was younger..." "When I was your age...." "You know, back when..."

51. This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
"Star Wars" opens, you are still in single digits, and you think the creatures are WAY cool...
"Empire Strikes Back" opens, you are now in double digits, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there...
"Return of the Jedi" hits the theatres and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts and/or Han Solo's butt.

A hilarious list from the archives. Robert sent this to me in 2003....


25 Sign's You've Actually Grown Up


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

This has made the rounds over the years, but I don't recall ever posting it here. This version was sent to me by Ducky in 2003....


Lessons in Government


DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.

You feel righteous.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch.

Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.


NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

From my Rave archives, here's some funny stuff from Ducky circa 2003....

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

Was digging around my Rave of the Day archive folder and found these tidbits of airline humor. I've had them since 2003 and have no idea where they originally came from....

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

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Airline Anecdotes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

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Airport Mix-Up

During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

From the CFIDS newsletter, here is the story of how the author of "Seabiscuit: An American Legend" endured the stigma surrounding CFIDS and how it affected publicity for her book....

Lauren Hillenbrand's defining moment

As difficult as it was for her to come forward and tell the world about her illness, I am glad she did. If someone bedridden can research and write such a quality book, I feel a sense of hope that maybe someday I can achieve something significant too.

These days, it's easy to take film special effects for granted. Here's a list, link courtesy of Robert, that attempts to sort out the effects that were the most convincing and mind-blowing at the time they came out....

Top 50 Movie Special Effects Shots - Den of Geek

Gonna poke around the Den of Geek website some more when I have time. Might need to bookmark it and maybe even add it to my Links list.

Watched VH1's "100 Greatest Hard Rock Songs" this week. I must say they had a VERY liberal interpretation of what constitutes hard rock! Still, they did manage to include some of the essentials.

Here are the songs they listed that I happen to like. I'll use a wide interpretation of hard rock too. In parentheses, I've included songs that I thought were just as good or better by that artist:

Sammy Hagar - "I Can't Drive 55"
Buckcherry - "Lit Up"
The Edgar Winter Group - "Frankenstein"
Creed - "Higher"
Autograph - "Turn Up the Radio"
Smashing Pumpkins - "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"
Andrew W.K. - "Party Hard"
Alice in Chains - "Would?"
Marilyn Manson - "Beautiful People"
Velvet Revolver - "Slither"
Evanescence - "Bring Me to Life" ("Going Under")
Black Sabbath - "Heaven and Hell"
Billy Idol - "Rebel Yell"
Soundgarden - "Black Hole Sun" ("The Day I Tried to Live")
Lita Ford - "Kiss Me Deadly"
The White Stripes - "Seven Nation Army" ("Fell in Love with a Girl")
The Cult - "Love Removal Machine"
Pat Benatar - "Heartbreaker"
Jane's Addiction - "Mountain Song" ("Been Caught Stealing")
Living Colour - "Cult of Personality"
White Zombie - "More Human Than Human"
Ratt - "Round and Round"
Billy Squier - "The Stroke"
Stone Temple Pilots - "Interstate Love Song" ("Vasoline")
The Kinks - "You Really Got Me"
Warrant - "Cherry Pie"
Blue Oyster Cult - "Don't Fear the Reaper" ("Godzilla")
Faith No More - "Epic"
Steppenwolf - "Born to Be Wild"
The Runaways - "Cherry Bomb"
Megadeth - "Peace Sells"
ZZ Top - "Tush"
MC5 - "Kick Out the Jams"
Rollins Band - "Liar"
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Give It Away"
Iggy Pop and the Stooges - "Search and Destroy"
Korn - "Freak on a Leash"
Kid Rock - "Bawitdaba"
Dokken - "Breakin' the Chains"
Anthrax - "Mad House"
Cream - "Sunshine of Your Love"
Dio - "Holy Diver"
The Clash - "Should I Stay or Should I Go"
Quiet Riot - "Cum on Feel the Noize"
Poison - "Talk Dirty to Me"
Boston - "More Than a Feeling" ("Don't Look Back")
Queen - "Stone Cold Crazy"
The Who - "My Generation"
Van Halen - "Hot for Teacher" ("And the Cradle Will Rock")
Alice Cooper - "School's Out"
Heart - "Barracuda"
Green Day - "Basket Case"
Ted Nugent - "Cat Scratch Fever"
AC/DC - "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"
Pearl Jam - "Evenflow"
Joan Jett - "Bad Reputation"
Foo Fighters - "Everlong" ("All My Life")
Whitesnake - "Still of the Night"
The Ramones - "Blitzkrieg Bop"
Ozzy Osbourne - "Crazy Train"
Jimi Hendrix - "Hey Joe" ("Purple Haze", "Foxy Lady")
Led Zeppelin - "Kashmir" ("Black Dog", "Rock and Roll")
Rush - "Tom Sawyer" ("Working Man", "2112", "The Spirit of Radio")
Scorpions - "Rock You Like a Hurricane"
Twisted Sister - "I Wanna Rock"
Kiss - "Rock and Roll All Night"
Motley Crue - "Dr. Feelgood" ("Looks That Kill")
Iron Maiden - "Run to the Hills"
Def Leppard - "Photograph" ("Rock of Ages")
Judas Priest - "Breakin' the Law" ("You Got Another Thing Coming")
Deep Purple - "Smoke on the Water"
Motorhead - "Ace of Spades"
Van Halen - "Runnin' with the Devil"
Aerosmith - "Walk This Way"
Nirvana - "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
The Who - "Won't Get Fooled Again"
Metallica - "Enter Sandman" ("One", "Seek and Destroy", "Master of Puppets")
Black Sabbath - "Paranoid" ("Iron Man")
Led Zeppelin - "Whole Lotta Love"
AC/DC - "Back in Black"
Guns N' Roses - "Welcome to the Jungle"

In the "WTF" category are the following. Even if I try to think like a typical VH1 viewer, I still can't see how these songs belong here:

Journey - "Any Way You Want It" (SERIOUSLY??)
Europe - "The Final Countdown" (Anything constantly performed by high school marching bands is NOT hard rock)
Survivor - "Eye of the Tiger" (All I can think of when I hear this is doing aerobics in my leotard and purple leg warmers)
Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Freebird" (Sorry....even though this is classic rock, I don't see it as hard rock)
Bon Jovi - "You Give Love a Bad Name" (Ok, I like this song, but no way would I put it at #20 like VH1 did. #99, maybe)

And although this is probably frivolous, here are a few songs I wouldn't have minded seeing on the list:

Disturbed - "Down with the Sickness"
Nine Inch Nails - "Head Like a Hole"
Blur - "Song 2"
Hole - "Celebrity Skin"
Rammstein - "Du Hast"
Cheap Trick - "Dream Police"
System of a Down - "B.Y.O.B." or "Chop Suey!"
Veruca Salt - "Seether"

Finally, choosing from VH1's list, my top 10 picks:

10. Heart - "Barracuda"
9. Ozzy Osbourne - "Crazy Train"
8. Nirvana - "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
7. Guns N' Roses - "Welcome to the Jungle"
6. AC/DC - "Back in Black"
5. Aerosmith - "Walk This Way"
4. Van Halen - "Runnin' with the Devil"
3. Led Zeppelin - "Whole Lotta Love"
2. The Kinks - "You Really Got Me"
1. The Who - "My Generation"