Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Crunching numbers..... 

I've been spending some time lately casually researching disability and what that would mean for me. I haven't really engrossed myself in it because I still haven't quite accepted that I really could be disabled. I finally got the courage last night to look up what I could expect to receive per month should I file now. Seeing the actual numbers makes this a daunting prospect indeed.

Now I'm trying to figure out how on earth I'd get by on half my present income. It's frustrating because if I could just hold out for a few more years, it wouldn't be a problem. The home equity loan would be paid off in just 8 years, and the mortgage would be paid off in just 14 years. The other irony is that I have been poor before....but it was much easier to get by on less then because I was healthy. The doctors, the meds, the supplements and the special diet really add up now.

I've weighed several possibilities, but I haven't really come up with anything that would really save that much money. We could sell our house, but its value is far below the average price in this area, and rent on an apartment would cost us just as much as the house. Plus we're mortgaged to the hilt. We could move someplace with a lower cost of living, but Dan's line of work does not pay much elsewhere, so I'm not sure it would be much of an advantage.

So far, all that has happened is that I've gotten myself and my hubby upset, and now I'm even more determined to keep working. I think I'll make an appointment with my primary care doc to see if she has any ideas on what I could do to get enough energy to keep my job. I'm just not ready to give in yet. The unknown scares the poop out of me.

It's past my bedtime, but I just wanted to get this out of my system. Sigh.

Pain level: 8
Fatigue level: 8

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