Saturday, June 26, 2004

More than discouraged.... 

Can't seem to help it....every once in awhile, I just reach a point where it is all too much.

Since that time a week and a half ago when my hands and feet went numb, I've had a few brief occasions where I had trouble speaking clearly....an old problem that first showed up six years ago and caused the docs to think I'd had a stroke. This week a neurologist said she thought it was caused by Sjogren's. Tonight it got bad again....I either stutter, get all the words tangled up, or simply can't say what's in my head at all. I was making a lot of mistakes at work too....missing misspelled words, keying incorrect numbers, etc. Usually when I get like this, I have a bad headache too, but my head actually doesn't feel too bad.

If that weren't entertaining enough, I started feeling very weak, and my legs had a very aggravating burning pain. I considered a trip to the ER, but decided against it since it is doubtful they would find anything wrong and even more doubtful they'd be able to do anything for me. It seems to have calmed a bit now anyway. I probably have some inflammation going on somewhere that is affecting my speech and senses, but when this has happened before, no one was able to find the source.

And the fibromyalgia is worse than it has been in a long time. It always seems to feed on the Sjogren's pain, no matter what the source. My next neuro appointment isn't for another five weeks....she's going on vacation. I see the rheumy on Thursday....guess he'll be in for an earful.

Anyway, I'm waving the white flag. I really can't stand this. I've lost all my motivation to deal with it. I seriously need a break. I usually remind myself that it could be much worse, that at least I don't have anything fatal. But right now, I don't care. The thought of being this sick, or worse, decades from now is just unbearable. I really am overwhelmed by this stupid illness.

Pain level: 9
Fatigue level: 9

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