browser life

Cried myself to sleep. Didn't help. Woke up three hours later with foot and leg cramps, so I had to get back up.

I know I seriously need to see a shrink because all I can think about is pulling the covers over my head and never coming out again. But my Long Term Disability policy does not cover mental illness, and that would be the last thing I need, for them to interpret a visit for counseling as me having a mental illness rather than a physical one.

I just can't handle the idea of 40 more years of my life riddled with symptoms that are not provable or measurable. It is beyond embarrassing. I don't invent stuttering for my own amusement.

I so want to cancel the neurologist appointment next week. I can't bear the notion of going in there and listening to her tell me that there is no reason for the motor skill, cognitive or speech problems. I feel like the world's biggest hypochondriac.

And what shall I tell the rest of the world? I seriously regret telling anyone about the MRIs since now I have to admit I didn't need them. My co-workers already doubt that I am sick....this will just reinforce it for them.

So I shall return to work August 2nd, shamed yet still sick. I would like to pretend none of this ever happened. But, dammit, I AM actually sick, even if I can't prove it.

How the hell can I file for disabilty when I finally collapse a year from now, or maybe six months from now? I wouldn't even believe me. Saying you're tired and in pain just doesn't cut it with Social Security.

Where is the proof? The stufff that is measurable isn't really disabling. Gastroparesis does keep me running to the restroom at inconvenient times, and for sometimes up to half an hour, but it could easily be argued that I can still work.

Is a positive lip biopsy and an elevated C-reactive protein level enough? I do have measurable neuropathy, but it is mild....I'm not sure if the EMG would be sufficient evidence. Maybe.

The edema is a visible thing, but no one even knows why I have it. Sjogren's is so freakin' frustrating, causing such diverse symptoms that even the experts just shake their heads. I wonder if a biopsy for vasculitis would reveal anything.

And then there's the hearing loss, a symptom so rare in Sjogren's it might as well not be happening. The tinnitus is so loud that the only time I can't hear it is when I'm at a live rock concert. But how do you prove ringing in your ear?

Lack of rest I guess could be demonstrated with the sleep study I had four years ago. But the sleep apnea it showed has since been remedied....I don't know if the lack of Stage 4 would be sufficient to prove I can't get restorative rest. Does Social Security even consider this a disabling problem?

And then the pain. A completely subjective symptom. I tune it out fairly well, but if people only knew how many times I've awakened in tears because of it.....

And there's the host of things too insignificant or embarrassing to bore the doctors with. Like the fevers I'm getting practically daily now (I have sweat rolling down me as I type this, and goose bumps at the same time), the bodywide itching, the hair loss. Or the fact that I can't have a physical relationship with my husband because of severe internal dryness.

I know this crap is real...what's frustrating is that it's only real to me, my husband and a few loyal friends. Many docs have admitted I look exhausted, but how do you measure that to anyone's satisfaction? So many strangers saw me limping around yesterday and would look at my perfectly normal-looking legs and shake their heads.

I really must be mentally disturbed if I'm actually finding myself envious of people with measurable problems. Do I really want bulging discs, bone spurs, or brain lesions? Well, no....but I envy the fact that they have many fewer doubters in their lives.

I know, I'm not supposed to give a rat's patootie what others think....but if I can't actually prove I'm too sick to work, it's my livlihood that's screwed more than my self-esteem. Although my self-esteem IS taking a horrible beating right now. I in fact feel a great deal less than worthless.

So now I'm back to those same basic issues I battled six years ago: am I just a wimp, not trying hard enough? How can I be a useful human being when I can't even get through a shift at my incredibly easy job? What purpose does this illness serve if I can't help myself, much less anyone else?

I don't feel like I can burden anyone else with this. I've done enough moping and explaining. I want something to change, either getting healthy enough to work or finding irrefutable proof of just how sick I am.

I'm trying not to be mad at my creator because I know that's a tremendous waste of energy. There must be a very good reason for all of this. I know life isn't fair, but how do you avoid being pissed about it?

I'm not going to fall for the convenient trap that I don't react well to stress. Everyone with fibromyalgia gets that as a blanket explanation for why they got sick, and it's crap. I'm upset about being sick, not the other way around.

Well, now typing all of this has completely worn me out again, and my muscles are still twitching from the last nap. I guess I'll plop my useless butt back on the couch. Hell hath no fury like a woman with an invisible chronic illness.