Sunday, August 15, 2004
Rave of the Day for August 15:
I live in a city where the following is taken to heart, heh heh. I compiled several of Ducky's Daily Grins about idiot driving. This is long, but fun....
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: USING DIRECTIONALS
Signal only when you feel like it.
If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
Signal only after you change lanes.
When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times.
Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: DRIVING ON HIGHWAYS
When entering a highway with an acceleration lane, do one of the following:
1 - Drive slowly to the end of the acceleration lane, come to a complete stop, and wait.
2 - Don't use the acceleration lane. As soon as the entrance ramp meets the highway, drive 15 MPH and turn directly into fast moving traffic.
If you are approaching your highway exit and there is a car in front of you, get into the adjacent left lane, accelerate to pass him, then quickly make a sharp right turn in front of the other car, and directly into the exit.
When driving in the left lane and approaching a merging vehicle entering from an acceleration lane, switch to the right-most lane, squeezing him onto the shoulder.
When exiting a highway with a deceleration lane, don't use it. Stay in the right-most lane of the highway (parallel to the deceleration lane) and slow down. Then just as the exit lane splits away from the highway, cut across the painted lines.
If you pass your exit on the highway, stop and backup.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut off as many drivers as possible to get into the shortest line. Then wait until it's your turn to pay before you start to look for your change and toll ticket.
Never go fast enough to pass a police car; no matter how slow it is going.
If you notice a car in the next lane, signaling to switch into your lane, ahead of you, speed up so that the two of you are driving parallel. The other driver will then wave his arms and start yelling. When he finally decides to slow down and switch lanes behind you, turn into the lane where the other driver started.
Always use large bills at toll booths.
When at a toll booth, always ask for directions, even if you know where you are going.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut across as many lanes as possible to be in an exact change lane. Then check to see if you even have exact change. If not, backup.
If switching lanes at a toll plaza can bring you 1 car closer, quickly and abruptly yank the wheel and punch the accelerator to change lanes. Do not look before doing this.
When approaching a toll plaza from the left lane, cut across all lanes of traffic to pay at the right-most toll lane. After paying, cut across all lanes of traffic to get back into the left lane.
Stay in the left lane with your cruise control set at 50 mph. Avoid touching the accelerator pedal to force faster moving traffic to have no choice but to pass on the right.
If you drive a motorcycle, the lines on the road are meant to be driven on. Feel free to whip between lanes of traffic very very fast.
When driving a motorcycle on the highway, tuck your head down below your shoulders so that you can't see and propel yourself at 600 mph.
If you are driving a truck on the highway and you stop at a rest area, park horizontally across 5 spots that are labeled "CARS ONLY".
After paying a highway toll, leave the toll booth very very slowly.
On a 4-lane highway, always select the lane directly adjacent to a tractor trailer. Then drive right beneath the trucks door so that the truck driver can not see you.
When a tractor trailer ahead of you in the adjacent lane signals to get into your lane, accelerate so that you are directly next to the truck's payload. Then drive at the same speed so that the truck can not change lanes. Do this even if the truck was going faster than you.
When switching lanes in front of a tractor trailer, always drive close enough to the front of the truck that the driver can not see you over the truck's hood.
If you are driving an 18-wheeler or a bus and you pass a car where the female passenger is breast feeding her baby, stare intensely at her and lick your lips.
When approaching an exit or entrance, always get into the right lane, even if you are not getting off.
When driving by yourself or with one other person, get into the 3-person HOV (carpool) lane and drive 50 mph.
Make sure you hold traffic up at the toll booth by not having any money to pay. If this causes you to have to fill out forms, fill them out slowly.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON - AUTOMOTIVE MAINTENANCE TIPS
Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.
When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb. Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.
Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read them.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: PASSING
When looking in the rear-view mirror and observing the car behind you changing lanes, quickly jump into the same lane, staying in front of him.
If the vehicle in front of you signals to change lanes, quickly jump into the lane he wants to be in and punch the accelerator. The object of this is to keep the other driver from being able to change lanes.
When your traffic lane has a dashed line (permission to pass), drive as fast as possible and just a little over the line. This will prevent anybody from passing you. Then when the line becomes solid, slow down to a speed significantly less then the posted limit.
If another driver succeeds in passing you, tailgate and flash your high beams the entire time you are behind him/her.
If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one.
On one lane roads, pass other vehicles using the shoulder.
If you catch another driver in the middle of attempting to pass you, accelerate so that you keep him/her in the oncoming traffic lane as long as possible. When he gives up and gets back behind you, slow down.
When changing lanes, take approximately 2 miles to completely move your car from one lane to the next.
If an oncoming vehicle drives briefly in your lane to pass a bicyclist, speed up and drive in the center of the road to scare the heck out of both of them.
When changing lanes, make sure that you only leave 1-2 inches between you and the car behind you.
When changing lanes in traffic, drive into the car next to you.
If there is a slow moving car 2 vehicles ahead of you, make every effort to pass and cut off the vehicle directly in front of you.
When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone is in the way, they'll move.
When passing a bicyclist, make sure that you get all the way to the left side of the road directly into oncoming traffic.
After slowing down to half the speed limit waiting to change lanes and annoying the driver behind you, drive about 1/4 mile and switch back to your original lane, cutting him off.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: DRIVING IN INCLEMENT WEATHER
If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.
When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.
The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes.
Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog.
If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH.
If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.
When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible.
When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.
When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road.
If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.
When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.
When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you.
If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off. Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard.
Then continue driving by peeking out the windshield where the defroster has just started to clear.
Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is.
Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.
Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped.
When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.
When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.
If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON - USING HEADLIGHTS
Use high-beams when the car in front of you is lower to the ground then yours.
Always use high-beams when there is heavy oncoming traffic.
When approaching a sharp curve at night, accelerate, drive on the line in the center of the road, and keep your high-beams on.
Never use headlights until it is pitch dark outside.
Flash your headlights during the day to fool oncoming vehicles into thinking a police radar trap is ahead.
If one of your headlights burns out, use your highbeams until it is replaced.
Or... if one of your headlights burns out, do not use your headlights at all. Just those little dim yellow parking lights.
If you drive a vehicle that is significantly higher off the ground than most other cars, pull up to a stop sign/red light at least a foot to the left of the car in front. That way your headlights reflect off the other car's side view mirror and directly into the driver's face.
When you see one of those newer cars with the daytime lights on, flash your headlights several times to remind the other driver that his lights are on.
Attach as many fog, spot, neon, blinking, and flashing lights to the top and bottom of your car/truck as possible.
When an oncoming driver flashes his highbeams on and off to tell you that your highbeams are on, ignore him.
Flash your highbeams on and off several times to oncoming cars to tell them that their highbeams are on... when they're not.
The little interior map light can be used as a substitute for headlights.
When driving at night with a burned out headlight, drive so that the working headlight is in the middle of the lane and to other drivers, you look like a motorcycle.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: USING DIRECTIONALS
Signal only when you feel like it.
If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
Signal only after you change lanes.
When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times.
Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: DRIVING ON HIGHWAYS
When entering a highway with an acceleration lane, do one of the following:
1 - Drive slowly to the end of the acceleration lane, come to a complete stop, and wait.
2 - Don't use the acceleration lane. As soon as the entrance ramp meets the highway, drive 15 MPH and turn directly into fast moving traffic.
If you are approaching your highway exit and there is a car in front of you, get into the adjacent left lane, accelerate to pass him, then quickly make a sharp right turn in front of the other car, and directly into the exit.
When driving in the left lane and approaching a merging vehicle entering from an acceleration lane, switch to the right-most lane, squeezing him onto the shoulder.
When exiting a highway with a deceleration lane, don't use it. Stay in the right-most lane of the highway (parallel to the deceleration lane) and slow down. Then just as the exit lane splits away from the highway, cut across the painted lines.
If you pass your exit on the highway, stop and backup.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut off as many drivers as possible to get into the shortest line. Then wait until it's your turn to pay before you start to look for your change and toll ticket.
Never go fast enough to pass a police car; no matter how slow it is going.
If you notice a car in the next lane, signaling to switch into your lane, ahead of you, speed up so that the two of you are driving parallel. The other driver will then wave his arms and start yelling. When he finally decides to slow down and switch lanes behind you, turn into the lane where the other driver started.
Always use large bills at toll booths.
When at a toll booth, always ask for directions, even if you know where you are going.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut across as many lanes as possible to be in an exact change lane. Then check to see if you even have exact change. If not, backup.
If switching lanes at a toll plaza can bring you 1 car closer, quickly and abruptly yank the wheel and punch the accelerator to change lanes. Do not look before doing this.
When approaching a toll plaza from the left lane, cut across all lanes of traffic to pay at the right-most toll lane. After paying, cut across all lanes of traffic to get back into the left lane.
Stay in the left lane with your cruise control set at 50 mph. Avoid touching the accelerator pedal to force faster moving traffic to have no choice but to pass on the right.
If you drive a motorcycle, the lines on the road are meant to be driven on. Feel free to whip between lanes of traffic very very fast.
When driving a motorcycle on the highway, tuck your head down below your shoulders so that you can't see and propel yourself at 600 mph.
If you are driving a truck on the highway and you stop at a rest area, park horizontally across 5 spots that are labeled "CARS ONLY".
After paying a highway toll, leave the toll booth very very slowly.
On a 4-lane highway, always select the lane directly adjacent to a tractor trailer. Then drive right beneath the trucks door so that the truck driver can not see you.
When a tractor trailer ahead of you in the adjacent lane signals to get into your lane, accelerate so that you are directly next to the truck's payload. Then drive at the same speed so that the truck can not change lanes. Do this even if the truck was going faster than you.
When switching lanes in front of a tractor trailer, always drive close enough to the front of the truck that the driver can not see you over the truck's hood.
If you are driving an 18-wheeler or a bus and you pass a car where the female passenger is breast feeding her baby, stare intensely at her and lick your lips.
When approaching an exit or entrance, always get into the right lane, even if you are not getting off.
When driving by yourself or with one other person, get into the 3-person HOV (carpool) lane and drive 50 mph.
Make sure you hold traffic up at the toll booth by not having any money to pay. If this causes you to have to fill out forms, fill them out slowly.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON - AUTOMOTIVE MAINTENANCE TIPS
Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.
When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb. Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.
Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read them.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: PASSING
When looking in the rear-view mirror and observing the car behind you changing lanes, quickly jump into the same lane, staying in front of him.
If the vehicle in front of you signals to change lanes, quickly jump into the lane he wants to be in and punch the accelerator. The object of this is to keep the other driver from being able to change lanes.
When your traffic lane has a dashed line (permission to pass), drive as fast as possible and just a little over the line. This will prevent anybody from passing you. Then when the line becomes solid, slow down to a speed significantly less then the posted limit.
If another driver succeeds in passing you, tailgate and flash your high beams the entire time you are behind him/her.
If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one.
On one lane roads, pass other vehicles using the shoulder.
If you catch another driver in the middle of attempting to pass you, accelerate so that you keep him/her in the oncoming traffic lane as long as possible. When he gives up and gets back behind you, slow down.
When changing lanes, take approximately 2 miles to completely move your car from one lane to the next.
If an oncoming vehicle drives briefly in your lane to pass a bicyclist, speed up and drive in the center of the road to scare the heck out of both of them.
When changing lanes, make sure that you only leave 1-2 inches between you and the car behind you.
When changing lanes in traffic, drive into the car next to you.
If there is a slow moving car 2 vehicles ahead of you, make every effort to pass and cut off the vehicle directly in front of you.
When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone is in the way, they'll move.
When passing a bicyclist, make sure that you get all the way to the left side of the road directly into oncoming traffic.
After slowing down to half the speed limit waiting to change lanes and annoying the driver behind you, drive about 1/4 mile and switch back to your original lane, cutting him off.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: DRIVING IN INCLEMENT WEATHER
If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.
When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.
The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes.
Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog.
If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH.
If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.
When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible.
When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.
When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road.
If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.
When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.
When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you.
If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off. Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard.
Then continue driving by peeking out the windshield where the defroster has just started to clear.
Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is.
Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.
Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped.
When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.
When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.
If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON - USING HEADLIGHTS
Use high-beams when the car in front of you is lower to the ground then yours.
Always use high-beams when there is heavy oncoming traffic.
When approaching a sharp curve at night, accelerate, drive on the line in the center of the road, and keep your high-beams on.
Never use headlights until it is pitch dark outside.
Flash your headlights during the day to fool oncoming vehicles into thinking a police radar trap is ahead.
If one of your headlights burns out, use your highbeams until it is replaced.
Or... if one of your headlights burns out, do not use your headlights at all. Just those little dim yellow parking lights.
If you drive a vehicle that is significantly higher off the ground than most other cars, pull up to a stop sign/red light at least a foot to the left of the car in front. That way your headlights reflect off the other car's side view mirror and directly into the driver's face.
When you see one of those newer cars with the daytime lights on, flash your headlights several times to remind the other driver that his lights are on.
Attach as many fog, spot, neon, blinking, and flashing lights to the top and bottom of your car/truck as possible.
When an oncoming driver flashes his highbeams on and off to tell you that your highbeams are on, ignore him.
Flash your highbeams on and off several times to oncoming cars to tell them that their highbeams are on... when they're not.
The little interior map light can be used as a substitute for headlights.
When driving at night with a burned out headlight, drive so that the working headlight is in the middle of the lane and to other drivers, you look like a motorcycle.
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