Monday, March 21, 2005
Rave of the Day for March 20:
I'm in the mood for humor of the canine variety. Thanks to Ducky for this selection from her Daily Grin....
A dog's chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he/she does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper.
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard.
A dog's chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he/she does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper.
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard.
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