Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Disappointed in myself.... 

My health seems to be sliding downhill no matter what I do. I'd hoped that by going on short term leave from work, I'd gain some energy if I got consistent and adequate rest. I've been off three and a half months and in fact am more exhausted now than I was in February.

Not only that, my mobility is declining. I'd hoped once the warmer temperatures of spring took over that I'd have an easier time getting around. That has turned out not to be the case, especially now that I can no longer take Bextra for my arthritis and the med I replaced it with is ineffective.

Today, my husband dropped me off at the massage therapist's and told me he was going to a mall a few blocks away. I got inside and found out that I had been booked on the wrong day and would have to re-schedule. Dan was already gone, but I could see the mall from where I was and figured I'd just walk over and find him instead of waiting an hour for him to return.

I got about a block from the massage therapist's when I realized that my stiff knees, hips and ankles simply wouldn't carry me the rest of the way. I was so weary that I felt as though I might collapse on the spot, so I turned around and limped back to the massage therapist's office while I still could. I was dizzy and out of breath when I got back.

I was soooo embarrassed to admit I couldn't walk just a few blocks. I mean, I still have decent flexibility in my limbs, but ONLY when I'm not putting weight on them. My rheumy is absolutely perplexed at how I continue to weaken when I show no measurable signs of inflammation.

I thought that pushing myself to work full time was the main culprit, but now I see that I can decline even when I'm treating myself well. My diet is good, and believe it or not, I do non-impact exercise even though it exhausts me because if I don't, I'll lose my flexibility too. I'm so overwhelmed that I feel as though I'm drowning in illness.

Dan's gonna be home any minute, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't have the energy tonight to tidy up my own supper dishes. I did nothing except sit in front of the TV and clip some coupons. This is not what I call quality of life.

What do you do when taking care of yourself becomes more than a full time job? I thought I'd have all kinds of time to offer online support and other useful things when I wasn't working. Instead, I still feel like I'm doing too much, even when I'm doing nothing.

I do have some positive stuff to report, but I've worn myself out now with this long-winded whine, so it will have to wait.


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