Tuesday, June 14, 2005

And the bottom drops out..... 

Even though I don't typically suffer from depression, I guess most people with fibro have down days. Today is one of mine.

I know I promised I wouldn't get my hopes up about the Provigil, but I am disappointed anyway. After only a week, it has already stopped working. I am supposed to double the dose on Wednesday, but I am not confident this will cause a great deal of improvement.

I am overwhelmed with the urge to crawl into bed, not just from physical exhaustion, but because I'd like to hide, which is unlike me. I've had enough of medication trial and error and using all my energy to try to avoid getting sicker. At the moment, I am not coping well with the idea that I may never be able to work or feel any better than I do now.

Tomorrow I will probably have a better outlook, but right now is pretty crummy. The reality of going on permanent disability is staring me in the face, and all I can think about is that I'm too exhausted to apply. And I'm second and third guessing myself as to whether I have a good case or whether I should just go back to my job and try to tough it out somehow.

Right now I feel like there is so much wrong with my body that I've sort of lost me. Like the woman with the good sense of humor and fair intelligence has been drowned out. I hate fighting so hard to be myself.

My sister's bridal shower is this weekend. I'd like to just go to it and enjoy it like everyone else and not have to make any concessions for my health. I will try to have fun regardless.

I can't think of anything else to say.

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