Thursday, June 09, 2005

Rave of the Day for June 9, 2005: 

This is an oldie but a goodie. Maybe I should get Chip to read this? Thanks to Dr. Karen for e-mailing it to me....

Dear Dog,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw on my foot does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and your dish.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw and whine to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go lick your butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pet, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Dog:

1. She lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4.  To you, it's an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't  worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college – and, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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