browser life

I was trying my best to stay positive and do what I needed to do on the disability stuff, but I broke down anyway. I don't know how anyone files for SSDI without getting depressed.

I was copying medical records last night. At first, I was reading them before I copied them and learned about some stuff on there that none of my docs had told me about. But the more of them I copied, the more it was bumming me out, so I tried to focus on something else.

I started working on a review of the Montel Williams bio even though I didn't really feel up to doing it. I had a horrible time getting the right words on the screen even though in my head I knew what I wanted to say. It should have been easy to write, but I got stuck over and over until I couldn't dredge up any more.

So I gave up on the article and picked up a book I liked. But I had trouble understanding the words, even though I had read it maybe a month ago. That was the last straw....I started crying and couldn't stop.

Giving up my job is bad enough. Not being able to communicate is unacceptable to me. It's like part of me has died.

I hate crying because it is so very physically painful to me. The muscles in my chest sieze up to the point where I can hardly breathe, my head aches for sometimes days after, even my TMJ gets into the act. I cried for about an hour last night, and afterward, I hurt so bad that the pain made me cry more.

Ended up taking a Dilaudid finally so I could knock the pain down enough to sleep. Didn't sleep well, though....I've been having nightmares nearly every night for the past week and a half. Seems a Herculean effort to get myself into a positive frame of mind.

I know I need professional help, so I called the number of a licensed clinical psychologist who works in the same office as my endocrinologist. No answer, but I left a message so I can find out if she's taking new patients and accepts my insurance. I hope I can set something up next week.

Consciously, I know I'm going to be all right. But subconsciously, I'm a nervous wreck. This is so not like me.

I will go back to copying medical records tonight because it needs to be done. But I will also try to take a break sometime this weekend and go see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" even if it is agony to sit in the theatre. I figure I deserve a little escapism.

I want an Oompa Loompa NOW.......