Saturday, October 08, 2005
Horrible
I finally got some quality sleep last night. You know, the kind that's so deep that when you wake up, you don't know where or who you are? Probably the first time this year. I slept deeply for nine hours and then lightly for another four.
But I paid a horrible price for it.
Immobility can be a curse for me. It was today. I had lain still for so long that my arms had gone numb, my head was pounding and the rest of my body felt bruised. I absolutely could not get out of bed under my own power. I had to wait for Dan to come upstairs and ask him to help me up. And then when my feet hit the floor, I nearly passed out, the pain was so intense. It felt as though I had liquid glass flowing through my body.
Walking was quite difficult with dagger-like pains in my hips and knees. I didn't dare use my Gazelle glider, even though I desperately needed to stretch my muscles. I tried getting into the shower as quickly as possible, hoping the hot water would help. Thank God Dan had installed a grab bar in the bathroom as it was quite a trick getting myself into the tub. Once in, I moved around some and stretched under the water, but I got light-headed before too long and had to get out.
After the shower, I sat at the computer for awhile, even though I knew I needed to eat. I just couldn't get downstairs. I finally asked Dan to help me get to the kitchen when I realized I hadn't eaten in 16 hours. I had a Boost for breakfast because I didn't think I'd be able to keep anything else down.
I called my primary care doc's office and made an appointment to see her on Tuesday. I don't think she's gonna be able to do anything about this pain as she can't prescribe anything stronger than Dilaudid, but I hope she'll know of a pain management doc or clinic that would help me.
Speaking of Dilaudid, I took some, and it had almost no effect on my pain at all. Yes, I know I have multiple ailments that cause pain, but this is ridiculous. Thanks to years of undertreatment, my pain has escalated to a level where no reasonable treatment will even touch it. Right now, I am fighting not to vomit because I hurt so much absolutely everywhere. The doctors who think fibromyalgia isn't a real disease and doesn't deserve pain control can go to hell. Today I couldn't hug my husband without tears because it hurt so much to be touched. Why does it have to be this way? Mild, even moderate pain is a given in my situation, but agony this extreme shouldn't be allowed to go untreated. It's damned inhumane, that's what it is.
I desperately want to go to the ER and beg them to give me something to knock me out, but I know better than to bother. The only med strong enough to help that I can tolerate is morphine. And no one's gonna let me have morphine if I'm not dying.
Speaking of which, I fully understand how some chronic pain patients cross the line from depressed to suicidal. I am not suicidal, but I understand those who are. They just want the pain to stop. The desire to stop hurting is massive. It can be all encompassing. The people who tell me if I just put my mind on something else I'd be fine have no f-ing clue. I spend probably 90 percent of my time distracting myself, tuning out as much as I can, trying desperately to function. I do amazingly well, I imagine better probably than most would if they hurt like this. But there is only so much a person can ignore, hide or otherwise cover up extreme pain. It really does test the sanity. I'm not exaggerating here. I dare anyone to hurt 24/7 at this level and not suffer mental anguish.
I'm terrified to go back to bed. What if this actually gets worse? I fear I'll start screaming and won't be able to stop. Or that I'll hurt so much I can't breathe. I'm not generally anxious, but I don't think I can take any sort of escalation right now.
Dan's home from work.
But I paid a horrible price for it.
Immobility can be a curse for me. It was today. I had lain still for so long that my arms had gone numb, my head was pounding and the rest of my body felt bruised. I absolutely could not get out of bed under my own power. I had to wait for Dan to come upstairs and ask him to help me up. And then when my feet hit the floor, I nearly passed out, the pain was so intense. It felt as though I had liquid glass flowing through my body.
Walking was quite difficult with dagger-like pains in my hips and knees. I didn't dare use my Gazelle glider, even though I desperately needed to stretch my muscles. I tried getting into the shower as quickly as possible, hoping the hot water would help. Thank God Dan had installed a grab bar in the bathroom as it was quite a trick getting myself into the tub. Once in, I moved around some and stretched under the water, but I got light-headed before too long and had to get out.
After the shower, I sat at the computer for awhile, even though I knew I needed to eat. I just couldn't get downstairs. I finally asked Dan to help me get to the kitchen when I realized I hadn't eaten in 16 hours. I had a Boost for breakfast because I didn't think I'd be able to keep anything else down.
I called my primary care doc's office and made an appointment to see her on Tuesday. I don't think she's gonna be able to do anything about this pain as she can't prescribe anything stronger than Dilaudid, but I hope she'll know of a pain management doc or clinic that would help me.
Speaking of Dilaudid, I took some, and it had almost no effect on my pain at all. Yes, I know I have multiple ailments that cause pain, but this is ridiculous. Thanks to years of undertreatment, my pain has escalated to a level where no reasonable treatment will even touch it. Right now, I am fighting not to vomit because I hurt so much absolutely everywhere. The doctors who think fibromyalgia isn't a real disease and doesn't deserve pain control can go to hell. Today I couldn't hug my husband without tears because it hurt so much to be touched. Why does it have to be this way? Mild, even moderate pain is a given in my situation, but agony this extreme shouldn't be allowed to go untreated. It's damned inhumane, that's what it is.
I desperately want to go to the ER and beg them to give me something to knock me out, but I know better than to bother. The only med strong enough to help that I can tolerate is morphine. And no one's gonna let me have morphine if I'm not dying.
Speaking of which, I fully understand how some chronic pain patients cross the line from depressed to suicidal. I am not suicidal, but I understand those who are. They just want the pain to stop. The desire to stop hurting is massive. It can be all encompassing. The people who tell me if I just put my mind on something else I'd be fine have no f-ing clue. I spend probably 90 percent of my time distracting myself, tuning out as much as I can, trying desperately to function. I do amazingly well, I imagine better probably than most would if they hurt like this. But there is only so much a person can ignore, hide or otherwise cover up extreme pain. It really does test the sanity. I'm not exaggerating here. I dare anyone to hurt 24/7 at this level and not suffer mental anguish.
I'm terrified to go back to bed. What if this actually gets worse? I fear I'll start screaming and won't be able to stop. Or that I'll hurt so much I can't breathe. I'm not generally anxious, but I don't think I can take any sort of escalation right now.
Dan's home from work.
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