Sunday, October 09, 2005
Incredibly, life goes on....
After Dan got home last night, I actually discussed with him whether I should go to the ER. How desperately I wanted to hurt less! But the more I thought about the uncomfortable beds, bright lights and freezing cold rooms, the less I wanted to leave the house. So I stumbled into the bathroom and took a pain med, a muscle relaxant and a sleep med all at the same time. Probably not what the doctor ordered, but hell, I was desperate.
To my surprise, the combo worked....for four hours. Then I was awakened by a dagger-sharp pain in my left ankle, and as I began to awaken, I could feel the pain spreading to the rest of me like molten lava. But I willed myself not to get upset about it, to get as comfortable as I could, to think about the things that are good in my life, to be as much at peace with the pain as possible. I wasn't able to sleep more than about 20 minutes at a time after that because of the pain, but I stayed in bed for another five hours knowing that the relaxation would do me good.
It was quite difficult to get up without help today, but I did manage it. Overall, I still hurt considerably, just not quite as much as yesterday. But it was enough of a difference to allow me to get on the Gazelle machine. My legs felt like they had lightning bolts in them, and there were a few occasions I was sure I was gonna scream from the agony, but somehow I got through.
So life does go on, no matter how much I hurt. How this does weary my soul, though. How did my soul get so old when my body is merely middle-aged? I feel like crying but am too tired to expend the effort.
I do love this world, I really do. And I realize how truly fortunate I am. I know I will emerge stronger than before. There are far greater catastrophes out there than anything I will ever face. Somehow that doesn't seem like the right wording, but I hope it makes sense.
If the elephant that's sitting on me would just shift its weight a little, that would really be great.
To my surprise, the combo worked....for four hours. Then I was awakened by a dagger-sharp pain in my left ankle, and as I began to awaken, I could feel the pain spreading to the rest of me like molten lava. But I willed myself not to get upset about it, to get as comfortable as I could, to think about the things that are good in my life, to be as much at peace with the pain as possible. I wasn't able to sleep more than about 20 minutes at a time after that because of the pain, but I stayed in bed for another five hours knowing that the relaxation would do me good.
It was quite difficult to get up without help today, but I did manage it. Overall, I still hurt considerably, just not quite as much as yesterday. But it was enough of a difference to allow me to get on the Gazelle machine. My legs felt like they had lightning bolts in them, and there were a few occasions I was sure I was gonna scream from the agony, but somehow I got through.
So life does go on, no matter how much I hurt. How this does weary my soul, though. How did my soul get so old when my body is merely middle-aged? I feel like crying but am too tired to expend the effort.
I do love this world, I really do. And I realize how truly fortunate I am. I know I will emerge stronger than before. There are far greater catastrophes out there than anything I will ever face. Somehow that doesn't seem like the right wording, but I hope it makes sense.
If the elephant that's sitting on me would just shift its weight a little, that would really be great.
Comments:
Post a Comment
