Monday, February 27, 2006
Having my psycho analyzed tomorrow.....
The neuropsyche exam is at 8 o'clock in the freakin' morning. Actually, I should be happy about that, because generally my brain does not engage until at least 10am. Naturally, Dan will be taking me. I've asked him to come in with me to find out how long they expect this thing to take. It's scheduled for eight hours, but I need to find out if it's really going to be that long so I can give Dan a time to come back and get me. I expect he's gonna go back home and sleep after he drops me off. I would if I were the chauffeur, heh heh.
My primary care doc is concerned that I'll suffer another flare as a result of this exam. Actually, I'm still in a flare from the FCE, but I know what she means. It is a real possibility. I tend to get very exhausted from a simple in-person conversation, so what's gonna happen if my brain gets drained for eight hours? The four-hour test I did in October 2004 was sufficient to wipe me out.
Consciously, I'm not worried about this test because you can't really study for it, it doesn't cause physical pain, and I actualy find psychological stuff interesting. But sub-consciously, I must be stressed because I'm having food cravings (I don't actually get hungry anymore because of the gastroparesis), both while awake and while asleep. I'm having dreams about eating burgers, real pizza and other items that have had to be banished from my diet. And during the day, I still want to keep eating after I've eaten my allotted amount, which is not good. Right now, I'm obsessed with the idea of steak and a sundae for dessert, which could be arranged I suppose. Maybe if I still want them next weekend I'll cave and have a little something.
The sub-conscious stress part likely comes from knowing that my long-term disability insurance company wants to "prove" I have a mental illness rather than a physical one via this test. The "personality" profile can certainly be mis-interpreted quite easily if someone wants to use it against you. If I agree that I am depressed, the LTD guys can shout, "AHA! This is the source of the problem!" If I deny I am depressed, they can still shout, "AHA! She's in denial!" The real truth is that I'm depressed about not being able to work and about how I am being treated by Social Security and the LTD guys. As awful as it was to work while I was so sick, I still felt like I had some control over my destiny. Now that control has been given to agencies I can't trust. The LTD guys can limit my benefits if they believe I have a mental rather than physical illness.
The other sub-conscious fear is that I'll have an unsually clear-headed day and test better than I did a year and a half ago. I know it seems I should be happy about something like that, but I also know that the LTD is hoping like crazy that's what will happen so they can announce that I am malingering and deny my claim. I know I'm not stupid, and I don't particularly want to be stupid. But I also know that neuropsyche exams have built-in checks for exaggeration of symptoms, so, like the FCE, I must do my best even if it makes me quite ill to do so. The old trained poodle jumping through hoops analogy comes to mind.
I did actually discuss these things with my shrink, including the fact that the last test showed above average intelligence, so of course I wasn't believed when I claimed that I have cognitive problems. The thing is (and I know how narcissistic this sounds), when I was healthy, I was much more intelligent than I am now, and since I have no tests showing my IQ when I was healthy, no one knows how much I've lost. I described to my shrink the extent of the photographic memory I used to have, how many things I used to be able to do at once, the sort of vocabulary I had, how I was six grade levels ahead of my classmates in certain subjects when I was in school (there was no such thing as advanced placement when I was a kid, and the school didn't let kids skip a grade). She concluded that I may have once had an IQ of about 130. But when I was tested in October 2004, I was assigned an IQ of 112. That's still quite good, but it's a far cry from when I could remember just about anything I'd seen in print.
Dan agrees that I seem to have lost a lot of knowledge that I had when he met me. I could shop without a list, remember the exact content of conversations or articles I'd read, proofread without a dictionary, write original poems, remember his appointments for him, remember phone numbers and birthdays, and I was a regular trivia maven. Now I'm doing well to remember what day it is, much less whether I've had a shower that day. I have to keep all my meds and supplements in pill minders so I can check to see if I've taken them or not (and even then it doesn't always help). I never had been able to learn my cell phone number even though I've had it for five years. I haven't been able to complete a poem since last May (I had to look that up just now). As for trivia, spelling, vocabulary, sometimes the info comes to me and sometimes it doesn't. And I require a list for three items or more. I feel like a neon sign with a short in it. Very annoying.
And speaking of things I've forgotten, I'm past due for my next meal. Anyone know how to make scrambled eggs and cream of rice taste like steak and a sundae??
My primary care doc is concerned that I'll suffer another flare as a result of this exam. Actually, I'm still in a flare from the FCE, but I know what she means. It is a real possibility. I tend to get very exhausted from a simple in-person conversation, so what's gonna happen if my brain gets drained for eight hours? The four-hour test I did in October 2004 was sufficient to wipe me out.
Consciously, I'm not worried about this test because you can't really study for it, it doesn't cause physical pain, and I actualy find psychological stuff interesting. But sub-consciously, I must be stressed because I'm having food cravings (I don't actually get hungry anymore because of the gastroparesis), both while awake and while asleep. I'm having dreams about eating burgers, real pizza and other items that have had to be banished from my diet. And during the day, I still want to keep eating after I've eaten my allotted amount, which is not good. Right now, I'm obsessed with the idea of steak and a sundae for dessert, which could be arranged I suppose. Maybe if I still want them next weekend I'll cave and have a little something.
The sub-conscious stress part likely comes from knowing that my long-term disability insurance company wants to "prove" I have a mental illness rather than a physical one via this test. The "personality" profile can certainly be mis-interpreted quite easily if someone wants to use it against you. If I agree that I am depressed, the LTD guys can shout, "AHA! This is the source of the problem!" If I deny I am depressed, they can still shout, "AHA! She's in denial!" The real truth is that I'm depressed about not being able to work and about how I am being treated by Social Security and the LTD guys. As awful as it was to work while I was so sick, I still felt like I had some control over my destiny. Now that control has been given to agencies I can't trust. The LTD guys can limit my benefits if they believe I have a mental rather than physical illness.
The other sub-conscious fear is that I'll have an unsually clear-headed day and test better than I did a year and a half ago. I know it seems I should be happy about something like that, but I also know that the LTD is hoping like crazy that's what will happen so they can announce that I am malingering and deny my claim. I know I'm not stupid, and I don't particularly want to be stupid. But I also know that neuropsyche exams have built-in checks for exaggeration of symptoms, so, like the FCE, I must do my best even if it makes me quite ill to do so. The old trained poodle jumping through hoops analogy comes to mind.
I did actually discuss these things with my shrink, including the fact that the last test showed above average intelligence, so of course I wasn't believed when I claimed that I have cognitive problems. The thing is (and I know how narcissistic this sounds), when I was healthy, I was much more intelligent than I am now, and since I have no tests showing my IQ when I was healthy, no one knows how much I've lost. I described to my shrink the extent of the photographic memory I used to have, how many things I used to be able to do at once, the sort of vocabulary I had, how I was six grade levels ahead of my classmates in certain subjects when I was in school (there was no such thing as advanced placement when I was a kid, and the school didn't let kids skip a grade). She concluded that I may have once had an IQ of about 130. But when I was tested in October 2004, I was assigned an IQ of 112. That's still quite good, but it's a far cry from when I could remember just about anything I'd seen in print.
Dan agrees that I seem to have lost a lot of knowledge that I had when he met me. I could shop without a list, remember the exact content of conversations or articles I'd read, proofread without a dictionary, write original poems, remember his appointments for him, remember phone numbers and birthdays, and I was a regular trivia maven. Now I'm doing well to remember what day it is, much less whether I've had a shower that day. I have to keep all my meds and supplements in pill minders so I can check to see if I've taken them or not (and even then it doesn't always help). I never had been able to learn my cell phone number even though I've had it for five years. I haven't been able to complete a poem since last May (I had to look that up just now). As for trivia, spelling, vocabulary, sometimes the info comes to me and sometimes it doesn't. And I require a list for three items or more. I feel like a neon sign with a short in it. Very annoying.
And speaking of things I've forgotten, I'm past due for my next meal. Anyone know how to make scrambled eggs and cream of rice taste like steak and a sundae??
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