Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Mum's the word??
Ack! This is frustrating. I am very angry with some people, and I am afraid to go into details about it here because they may read this blog, and I'm not exactly tactful when I'm pissed. But I feel as though if I don't vent, I'll explode.
So I will mention other things that are annoying me right now in the hope that maybe if I get them out of my system, I can better deal with the main thing that has me upset. Does that make sense? Probably not. I should probably mention from the outset that I'm short on sleep, and that is probably contributing to the short temper and the general urge to rail at the world.
I've never thought of myself as a control freak, but there is a limit how many things I can leave to chance/my creator/the government/helpful friends and relatives without getting resentful. So much is out of my control right now that I'm very touchy. I feel as though I have very little independence at all. I have to rely on the government, inept pension managers and a corrupt long term disability insurance company for income. I have to hope some random person buys my house before I go bankrupt. I have to depend on neighbors and a cleaning service to keep my house in good enough shape to sell since I can't even pull a few weeds without putting my back out. If I try to shop, I have to hope there are handicapped parking spaces and electric carts available, or I have just wasted a car trip. I need relatives to help me move to a "new" house that I won't even get to see in person until I'm there. Yep, Dan will be picking out where I live for the rest of my days. All because I'm too ill to work and Dan had to take a lesser-paying job in another state. Don't get me wrong. I realize I am blessed for receiving all the help, but I wish I could contribute more myself and take less.
Oh, and let's not forget this stinkin' freakin' illness. Have been doing everything I can to get better, or at least not get any worse, and am not succeeding. That wouldn't be so bad except now that I have changed insurance and have no idea what sort of medical care I'll receive, whether I'll be able to stay on my current meds, whether I'll be able to maintain my current treatments. Don't know whether the South Dakota climate will make me a little worse or a lot worse (most of my docs on my previous insurance told me to brace myself for getting worse).
I wanna drum my heels into the floor like a two-year-old and scream, "It's not fair!" Except that I already know it's not fair, and that a tantrum will only cause me more physical pain (that doesn't always stop me, though). I'd like to OD on chocolate, even though I know that's counterproductive to improving my health (doesn't always stop me either). Most of all, I'd like my creator's plan to be made a little more obvious to me, because I'm just not gettin' it. I know that's an unreasonable demand, but that's how I feel.
That will have to do.
So I will mention other things that are annoying me right now in the hope that maybe if I get them out of my system, I can better deal with the main thing that has me upset. Does that make sense? Probably not. I should probably mention from the outset that I'm short on sleep, and that is probably contributing to the short temper and the general urge to rail at the world.
I've never thought of myself as a control freak, but there is a limit how many things I can leave to chance/my creator/the government/helpful friends and relatives without getting resentful. So much is out of my control right now that I'm very touchy. I feel as though I have very little independence at all. I have to rely on the government, inept pension managers and a corrupt long term disability insurance company for income. I have to hope some random person buys my house before I go bankrupt. I have to depend on neighbors and a cleaning service to keep my house in good enough shape to sell since I can't even pull a few weeds without putting my back out. If I try to shop, I have to hope there are handicapped parking spaces and electric carts available, or I have just wasted a car trip. I need relatives to help me move to a "new" house that I won't even get to see in person until I'm there. Yep, Dan will be picking out where I live for the rest of my days. All because I'm too ill to work and Dan had to take a lesser-paying job in another state. Don't get me wrong. I realize I am blessed for receiving all the help, but I wish I could contribute more myself and take less.
Oh, and let's not forget this stinkin' freakin' illness. Have been doing everything I can to get better, or at least not get any worse, and am not succeeding. That wouldn't be so bad except now that I have changed insurance and have no idea what sort of medical care I'll receive, whether I'll be able to stay on my current meds, whether I'll be able to maintain my current treatments. Don't know whether the South Dakota climate will make me a little worse or a lot worse (most of my docs on my previous insurance told me to brace myself for getting worse).
I wanna drum my heels into the floor like a two-year-old and scream, "It's not fair!" Except that I already know it's not fair, and that a tantrum will only cause me more physical pain (that doesn't always stop me, though). I'd like to OD on chocolate, even though I know that's counterproductive to improving my health (doesn't always stop me either). Most of all, I'd like my creator's plan to be made a little more obvious to me, because I'm just not gettin' it. I know that's an unreasonable demand, but that's how I feel.
That will have to do.
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