Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The return of Dan the Man.....
On Saturday, Dan will be home again! Yayyyy! I'm very excited but for some reason also nervous. Is it normal to be nervous if you haven't seen your husband in THREE MONTHS?
Haven't written much about his absence because frankly, I couldn't figure out what to say without getting myself too upset to cope. I chose instead to put on a brave front and just focus instead on getting the house sold. The challenge of keeping myself from getting sicker, of consoling my lonesome pup, of getting and keeping my home presentable was somewhat distracting. And I've been talking to Dan on the phone to the point of running up a $150 bill per month. But it in no way comes close to making up for being separated.
I guess some couples do just fine with some distance, especially if one of them has to travel a lot for their job, or if they have different employers and/or differing shifts and only see each other for a few hours a day. But Dan and I met at work, and once I moved into his apartment, we were literally together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At our job, we worked at desks directly across from one another and could see each other whenever we looked away from our computers. When you are in constant companionship, you never forget to mention something important because you can just say whatever pops into your head, knowing your spouse will hear it. You have no opportunity to lie because your spouse was there to see whatever it was that really happened. One of the reasons Dan, unlike many husbands, knows that I really am sick and not merely exaggerating is that he was there every day to witness my struggle to get through a work shift, to see me so exhausted that I couldn't get out bed, to take me to my doctors and various medical tests, to observe the change in my expression. Most people around me didn't even realize I was sick, but my smile never fooled Dan. He could see through it and could tell when I'd had enough and needed to go home.
One really cool thing about being together 24/7 is that it allowed enough time for us to get past talking "shop" like work issues, what appointments we had for the week, etc. and just chit chat like friends and goof around. After we were done talking about important stuff, we could just voice our opinions about the world, make really bad puns, flirt, speculate about this and that, sing to music in the car, make up songs about the dog. Things that people usually do when they're dating but seldom find time for after marriage.
And when you're together all the time, most decisions are joint ones with both parties present. Like when we bought the Saturns. And our house. And for the past 10 years, every one of my major clothing purchases was aided by Dan letting me try it on in the store and then telling me what he thought. We to went union meetings together and were both on the executive committee. Prior to each election, we would discuss each ballot issue so that we understood it and could make the choices each of us thought best (we'd compare notes afterward to see if we had voted alike, and often, we had). We were both there when we first saw Chip at the pound and adopted him.
When I became too ill to work last year, it was really weird not seeing Dan during his shift. But he could still come home after work and tell me about his day and gossip about his co-workers because they had been my co-workers too, so I didn't feel as out of touch as some might. And he was still taking me to all my appointments, and if there was someplace I wanted to go but couldn't handle all the walking, he was there to push my wheelchair. When I was too ill to do my own errands, Dan knew me well enough to shop for me, and when finances got complicated with me going on disability, I was the one who did the creative math to figure out how we could stay afloat. Not as satisfying as when we were together 24/7, but it was still working. We went through a lot of changes, but we went through them together.
And then Dan's employer decided to lay him off, and he had to find somewhere else to work, fast. He was offered a job in Sioux Falls, and from then on, everything has been different. We only had two weeks to get him packed up and ready to go and to get the house de-cluttered and the excess items put into storage. And there was a parade of family members and friends helping us move stuff and saying goodbye, so we didn't really have any alone time at the end. And suddenly, there I was, left with a semi-clean house to whip into sellable condition and one very upset dog that wouldn't eat.
At first, most of the phone calls were out of necessity, like when I couldn't find something and didn't know if Dan had put it into storage or not, or when Dan would ask me to send him something he'd forgotten to take with him. And of course we had to talk about the houses he was touring since Sioux Falls doesn't have virtual tours and I was having to judge whether or not I liked a house off of a couple of still photos. But I'm not actually going to get to see whatever house we buy, at least not until the day I close on it. And since Dan is living in his parents' basement for the time being, our conversations aren't quite as private as I'm used to. It reminds me of when I was dating as a teenager, calling a boy's house and asking his mom if I could talk to him. So we haven't had a truly intimate conversation in three months; I hadn't realized how much I had taken those for granted, heh heh.
What really sucks are the times in between the phone calls, when I suddenly think of something I want to tell Dan and realize that he's at work and not allowed to take personal calls. Or I just want to chat about nothing in particular, but it's 10pm here and Dan's probably already asleep. The worst is the no hugs. I get upset and am in pain, and there's no one to console me in person. And if Dan has a shitty day at work (which unfortunately is happening at his new job about as often as at the old one), I'm not there at the end of the day to hug him and try to cheer him up. Yeah, I may have the remote to myself and have as much space in the bed as I like, but there is something to be said for cuddling on the couch and watching a movie.
And we're making big changes in the absence of the other person. Dan started a brand new job, and I have never seen what he makes nor the building he works in; I haven't even met anyone he works with. He's on a day shift now, whereas I haven't been able to wean myself off my night owl status. I had to hire people to help me with the house and figure out how to do household necessities without injuring myself (and obviously not quite succeeding). Dan bought a car without any input from me, and he's having to manage his own finances for the first time in a decade. I'll be the one deciding if we accept any offer we get on the house; I've even got power of attorney to sign the paperwork without him present. And in the end, he'll be picking out our next home.
What if it's another three months before the house sells? Could we just pick up where we left off after half a year apart? How different from each other are we going to be? Even if the house sold tomorrow, the transition to a new locale is going to be awkward. New routines, new city, new neighbors. But then at least we'll be able to exist as a couple again, which should make it easier.
I think I'll probably just be relieved when it's all over. I just wish I knew when that would be.
In the meantime, I'm doing the happy dance (in my mind, heh heh), waiting just three days and seven hours to see my husband.
Haven't written much about his absence because frankly, I couldn't figure out what to say without getting myself too upset to cope. I chose instead to put on a brave front and just focus instead on getting the house sold. The challenge of keeping myself from getting sicker, of consoling my lonesome pup, of getting and keeping my home presentable was somewhat distracting. And I've been talking to Dan on the phone to the point of running up a $150 bill per month. But it in no way comes close to making up for being separated.
I guess some couples do just fine with some distance, especially if one of them has to travel a lot for their job, or if they have different employers and/or differing shifts and only see each other for a few hours a day. But Dan and I met at work, and once I moved into his apartment, we were literally together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At our job, we worked at desks directly across from one another and could see each other whenever we looked away from our computers. When you are in constant companionship, you never forget to mention something important because you can just say whatever pops into your head, knowing your spouse will hear it. You have no opportunity to lie because your spouse was there to see whatever it was that really happened. One of the reasons Dan, unlike many husbands, knows that I really am sick and not merely exaggerating is that he was there every day to witness my struggle to get through a work shift, to see me so exhausted that I couldn't get out bed, to take me to my doctors and various medical tests, to observe the change in my expression. Most people around me didn't even realize I was sick, but my smile never fooled Dan. He could see through it and could tell when I'd had enough and needed to go home.
One really cool thing about being together 24/7 is that it allowed enough time for us to get past talking "shop" like work issues, what appointments we had for the week, etc. and just chit chat like friends and goof around. After we were done talking about important stuff, we could just voice our opinions about the world, make really bad puns, flirt, speculate about this and that, sing to music in the car, make up songs about the dog. Things that people usually do when they're dating but seldom find time for after marriage.
And when you're together all the time, most decisions are joint ones with both parties present. Like when we bought the Saturns. And our house. And for the past 10 years, every one of my major clothing purchases was aided by Dan letting me try it on in the store and then telling me what he thought. We to went union meetings together and were both on the executive committee. Prior to each election, we would discuss each ballot issue so that we understood it and could make the choices each of us thought best (we'd compare notes afterward to see if we had voted alike, and often, we had). We were both there when we first saw Chip at the pound and adopted him.
When I became too ill to work last year, it was really weird not seeing Dan during his shift. But he could still come home after work and tell me about his day and gossip about his co-workers because they had been my co-workers too, so I didn't feel as out of touch as some might. And he was still taking me to all my appointments, and if there was someplace I wanted to go but couldn't handle all the walking, he was there to push my wheelchair. When I was too ill to do my own errands, Dan knew me well enough to shop for me, and when finances got complicated with me going on disability, I was the one who did the creative math to figure out how we could stay afloat. Not as satisfying as when we were together 24/7, but it was still working. We went through a lot of changes, but we went through them together.
And then Dan's employer decided to lay him off, and he had to find somewhere else to work, fast. He was offered a job in Sioux Falls, and from then on, everything has been different. We only had two weeks to get him packed up and ready to go and to get the house de-cluttered and the excess items put into storage. And there was a parade of family members and friends helping us move stuff and saying goodbye, so we didn't really have any alone time at the end. And suddenly, there I was, left with a semi-clean house to whip into sellable condition and one very upset dog that wouldn't eat.
At first, most of the phone calls were out of necessity, like when I couldn't find something and didn't know if Dan had put it into storage or not, or when Dan would ask me to send him something he'd forgotten to take with him. And of course we had to talk about the houses he was touring since Sioux Falls doesn't have virtual tours and I was having to judge whether or not I liked a house off of a couple of still photos. But I'm not actually going to get to see whatever house we buy, at least not until the day I close on it. And since Dan is living in his parents' basement for the time being, our conversations aren't quite as private as I'm used to. It reminds me of when I was dating as a teenager, calling a boy's house and asking his mom if I could talk to him. So we haven't had a truly intimate conversation in three months; I hadn't realized how much I had taken those for granted, heh heh.
What really sucks are the times in between the phone calls, when I suddenly think of something I want to tell Dan and realize that he's at work and not allowed to take personal calls. Or I just want to chat about nothing in particular, but it's 10pm here and Dan's probably already asleep. The worst is the no hugs. I get upset and am in pain, and there's no one to console me in person. And if Dan has a shitty day at work (which unfortunately is happening at his new job about as often as at the old one), I'm not there at the end of the day to hug him and try to cheer him up. Yeah, I may have the remote to myself and have as much space in the bed as I like, but there is something to be said for cuddling on the couch and watching a movie.
And we're making big changes in the absence of the other person. Dan started a brand new job, and I have never seen what he makes nor the building he works in; I haven't even met anyone he works with. He's on a day shift now, whereas I haven't been able to wean myself off my night owl status. I had to hire people to help me with the house and figure out how to do household necessities without injuring myself (and obviously not quite succeeding). Dan bought a car without any input from me, and he's having to manage his own finances for the first time in a decade. I'll be the one deciding if we accept any offer we get on the house; I've even got power of attorney to sign the paperwork without him present. And in the end, he'll be picking out our next home.
What if it's another three months before the house sells? Could we just pick up where we left off after half a year apart? How different from each other are we going to be? Even if the house sold tomorrow, the transition to a new locale is going to be awkward. New routines, new city, new neighbors. But then at least we'll be able to exist as a couple again, which should make it easier.
I think I'll probably just be relieved when it's all over. I just wish I knew when that would be.
In the meantime, I'm doing the happy dance (in my mind, heh heh), waiting just three days and seven hours to see my husband.
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