browser life

Ok, I looked at what I posted yesterday, and I considered removing it as it was pretty bitter. But then I decided if I deleted it, I wouldn't be providing an accurate depiction of what the downside of chronic illness is like. I wouldn't want to paint an uncharacteristically rosy picture of disability. It IS rough, even for those of us who are generally optimistic or at least not depressed most of the time.

Fortunately, days like yesterday are rare for me. I am usually more realistic and consider myself to be doing well despite all the health-related road blocks. I'm also generally more grateful at the awesome things I do have in my life such as a solid roof over my head, a husband who seems to love me no matter how rotten I am, and a devoted pup. But I suppose everyone grieves their losses once in a while. The difference between mental health and mental illness is the amount of time one spends awash in bitterness and anguish. I am blessed to only occasionally visit the land of the despondent.

After Dan got home last night, he put up with all my ranting and raving and demands for hugs. He sat on the couch with me and watched "The Devil Wears Prada", which we enjoyed. I went to be less morose than I had been.

One thing that helped is that I actually had a smidgen of energy today. Dan took me to Penney's so I could spend the gift cards I got for Christmas. I rarely buy clothes anymore because it completely wipes me out, so this was a big deal. I was hoping to replace some winter sweaters that had disintegrated from old age, but the only warm stuff I could find was made from acrylic to which I am allergic. I did find cotton shirts, but most of them were either low-cut, mid-length sleeved, extremely tight or completely transparent. Now, I looked sensational in some of these, I'll admit, but I don't care to show off my boobs just now; I want to be WARM! I did find one extra large cotton sweater that was only semi-tight, and I bought it even though it had a silly-looking sailor collar. I had better luck buying sweats. They make them in stretchy material now, so they won't cut off the circulation in my legs if they shrink a little. I was very surprised that I can fit in a medium; are the manufacturers sizing pants larger now? Anyway, I grabbed a pair in grey and a pair in black with white and red stripes down the side. The best find, though, was a new purse. I'd been lugging around an ancient microfiber thing with a worn-out velco closure, and every time it tipped over, all the contents would come spilling out. I absolutely LOVE leather but hate the price. Lucky for me, I found a real leather number, small but full of pockets with a padded extra long strap so I can wear it across my body without straining my shoulder. Best of all, it was FORTY PERCENT OFF! Jackpot! And I bought four pair of extra soft fuzzy socks to wear around the house to replace the ones at home that have holes in them. And much to my amazement, I still have a little bit left on one of the gift cards. So I will live to shop another day. I still need new undies....

I have decided to start going to aquacise again on Monday. There is an Arthritis Foundation class in Sioux Falls, and I finally got the required doctor's permission, so I should be good to go if I can find the place. I really need to get back to regular exercise even if it does wipe me out. I figure I'm exhausted 99 percent of the time anyway; I might as well be tired from something that is good for me.

At least I earned my exhaustion today.