Friday, January 19, 2007
I'm mad as hell, and there's nothing I can do about it!
There will probably be nothing positive said in this post. If you need some feel good vibes right now, please visit another blog. Don't say you weren't warned.
I had to take a detour from unpacking to sort all the 2006 receipts to get ready to file the taxes in a few weeks. I went through all the tax codes to make sure I understood exactly what I could and couldn't deduct, what counted as income and what didn't, what was taxed at what rate, etc. I found all the stuff on medical expenses, moving expenses, mortgage points and interest to be pretty straight forward. And then I got a W2 from my long-term disabiity insurance company and with it, a notice that if I had to repay them with SSDI money in 2006, which I did, that I should alert my tax preparer. Um, I AM the tax preparer!
So I tried to research SSDI in terms of taxes. I know that because Dan works and earns somewhat above minimum wage, 85 percent of the amount of SSDI I was paid in 2006 is taxable. But I didn't understand the formula for what I was paid in 2006 for 2005. And I could find nothing that stated what, if anything, needs to be done about the SSDI money I had to give to the long term disability insurance company. Is it taxable, and does it count as 2005 income, 2006 income, or both, or neither? At this point I realized I'm going to have to hire someone to do the taxes. There are just too many variables this time.
I have always done my own taxes. I took particular pride in this the last few years as there is less and less I am able to do to feel useful. To just dump all the paperwork on someone I don't even know seems to me to be conceding to the damned fibrofog. Cognitive dysfunction has already stolen my ability to work, to write well, to concentrate for long periods, to remember more than a few items at a time. But I was always able to console myself that at least I could handle the finances and taxes with the help of Quicken, TurboTax, a calculator and the IRS website. I read the IRS stuff a few times over last night, and it seemed to be just vague gibberish. I thought maybe I was just too tired to make sense of it. But I makes no more sense today than last night.
And then there's the matter of balancing the new checkbook. Because Dan and I lived apart for half of last year, I had to enter six months of info into Quicken so I would have the year end data to print out for the tax deductible stuff. It took me forever because I kept making mistakes even with the software and the calculator. But what really sucked was the realization that most of the money was spent on ME, for special food and meds and doc visits and supplements and other crap to keep me as healthy as possible. Maybe it would all be worthwhile if it made me healthy enough to work and earn my own keep? But no, all it manages to do is to barely keep me from being bedridden. I get to spend most of each day either in bed or recovering from God knows what on the couch. What the hell am I able to give back to the world? Nothing.
It didn't help when I got the check book balanced and saw that there would be no way we'd be able to pay off the credit cards as I had hoped, even though we had cashed out a retirement plan. Too much money had already gone to the aforementioned necessities. This is a huge disappointment to me as I am trying so hard to get out from under the debt I incurred by becoming disabled.
And then I picked up the mail this afternoon. I got a letter from the alarm company basically negating the agreement we had reached. When we found out we were moving, I was forced to pay off the remainder of a three year contract with the alarm company because they told me they didn't service South Dakota but that I was still obligated to the Denver contract. After we moved, I complained to the Better Business Bureau and asked to released from the contract and repaid. Initially, the alarm company agreed to this and in fact told me they would refund the amount I'd paid on my credit card. But the letter I got today said, no, they were keeping the money and instead would either send me a SELF-INSTALL alarm or would transfer my account to another company. I don't want to put in an alarm myself and then have no local company for service. And I don't want to sign on with another company as I would be stuck with another three year contract and can't really afford the extra expense, and I am sick to death of alarm companies as I've had nothing but bad experiences with them. I just want these assholes to give me my money back, release me from my contract and then leave me the hell alone.
The other fun item I got in the mail was a bill from my Denver rheumatologist. Seems that most of the cost of the bloodwork and x-rays I had in November were NOT covered by our shitty insurance. Our previous insurance paid 90 percent of such costs, but the new company paid maybe 15 percent? This is sooooo not cool considering that asshole rheumatologist I saw a week and a half ago ordered pretty much whole body x-rays and enough bloodwork to require five vials to be taken from me! There goes a whole bunch more money that won't be paying off my credit cards.
And to top everything off, my Reynaud's has been in overdrive because it NEVER warms up here! Seriously, the temperature has not been above freezing for a few weeks now. I know it would behoove my mental health to go out and socialize or something, but my hands and feet burn and ache every time I leave the house, and I can barely walk because my joints and muscles just seize up as soon as that icy air hits them. So I sit at home to stay warm and feel like I might as well be at the North Pole.
It doesn't happen often, but this definitely qualifies as one of those times I am 100 percent fed up with being sick. I hate that I've had to put up with feeling awful 24/7 for 10 entire years now. I hate that I can't work or even do volunteer stuff without making myself sicker. I want to be productive, useful, worthwhile. I want to earn my keep as a human being. I hate just being a money sponge and being unable to give anything back. And if I don't spend the money to maintain my health, I get sicker, and that costs even more money.
And it doesn't just effect me. Dan is stuck at a job he hates because he needs their paltry salary and needs their paltry benefits even more. He has to do most of the housework, all the manual labor, and put up with a whiny wife. If I hadn't gotten sick, I could have tracked down a good paying job as a graphic/web designer/writer in the Tech Center, and we could have kept our nice house as well as having some money in savings and no credit card debt looming over our heads. But I am here, wasting what remains of my intellect and somewhat functional body just sitting around being pissed. I feel like a complete waste of space.
Yeah, I know it could be worse. But it also could be a hell of a lot better.
I had to take a detour from unpacking to sort all the 2006 receipts to get ready to file the taxes in a few weeks. I went through all the tax codes to make sure I understood exactly what I could and couldn't deduct, what counted as income and what didn't, what was taxed at what rate, etc. I found all the stuff on medical expenses, moving expenses, mortgage points and interest to be pretty straight forward. And then I got a W2 from my long-term disabiity insurance company and with it, a notice that if I had to repay them with SSDI money in 2006, which I did, that I should alert my tax preparer. Um, I AM the tax preparer!
So I tried to research SSDI in terms of taxes. I know that because Dan works and earns somewhat above minimum wage, 85 percent of the amount of SSDI I was paid in 2006 is taxable. But I didn't understand the formula for what I was paid in 2006 for 2005. And I could find nothing that stated what, if anything, needs to be done about the SSDI money I had to give to the long term disability insurance company. Is it taxable, and does it count as 2005 income, 2006 income, or both, or neither? At this point I realized I'm going to have to hire someone to do the taxes. There are just too many variables this time.
I have always done my own taxes. I took particular pride in this the last few years as there is less and less I am able to do to feel useful. To just dump all the paperwork on someone I don't even know seems to me to be conceding to the damned fibrofog. Cognitive dysfunction has already stolen my ability to work, to write well, to concentrate for long periods, to remember more than a few items at a time. But I was always able to console myself that at least I could handle the finances and taxes with the help of Quicken, TurboTax, a calculator and the IRS website. I read the IRS stuff a few times over last night, and it seemed to be just vague gibberish. I thought maybe I was just too tired to make sense of it. But I makes no more sense today than last night.
And then there's the matter of balancing the new checkbook. Because Dan and I lived apart for half of last year, I had to enter six months of info into Quicken so I would have the year end data to print out for the tax deductible stuff. It took me forever because I kept making mistakes even with the software and the calculator. But what really sucked was the realization that most of the money was spent on ME, for special food and meds and doc visits and supplements and other crap to keep me as healthy as possible. Maybe it would all be worthwhile if it made me healthy enough to work and earn my own keep? But no, all it manages to do is to barely keep me from being bedridden. I get to spend most of each day either in bed or recovering from God knows what on the couch. What the hell am I able to give back to the world? Nothing.
It didn't help when I got the check book balanced and saw that there would be no way we'd be able to pay off the credit cards as I had hoped, even though we had cashed out a retirement plan. Too much money had already gone to the aforementioned necessities. This is a huge disappointment to me as I am trying so hard to get out from under the debt I incurred by becoming disabled.
And then I picked up the mail this afternoon. I got a letter from the alarm company basically negating the agreement we had reached. When we found out we were moving, I was forced to pay off the remainder of a three year contract with the alarm company because they told me they didn't service South Dakota but that I was still obligated to the Denver contract. After we moved, I complained to the Better Business Bureau and asked to released from the contract and repaid. Initially, the alarm company agreed to this and in fact told me they would refund the amount I'd paid on my credit card. But the letter I got today said, no, they were keeping the money and instead would either send me a SELF-INSTALL alarm or would transfer my account to another company. I don't want to put in an alarm myself and then have no local company for service. And I don't want to sign on with another company as I would be stuck with another three year contract and can't really afford the extra expense, and I am sick to death of alarm companies as I've had nothing but bad experiences with them. I just want these assholes to give me my money back, release me from my contract and then leave me the hell alone.
The other fun item I got in the mail was a bill from my Denver rheumatologist. Seems that most of the cost of the bloodwork and x-rays I had in November were NOT covered by our shitty insurance. Our previous insurance paid 90 percent of such costs, but the new company paid maybe 15 percent? This is sooooo not cool considering that asshole rheumatologist I saw a week and a half ago ordered pretty much whole body x-rays and enough bloodwork to require five vials to be taken from me! There goes a whole bunch more money that won't be paying off my credit cards.
And to top everything off, my Reynaud's has been in overdrive because it NEVER warms up here! Seriously, the temperature has not been above freezing for a few weeks now. I know it would behoove my mental health to go out and socialize or something, but my hands and feet burn and ache every time I leave the house, and I can barely walk because my joints and muscles just seize up as soon as that icy air hits them. So I sit at home to stay warm and feel like I might as well be at the North Pole.
It doesn't happen often, but this definitely qualifies as one of those times I am 100 percent fed up with being sick. I hate that I've had to put up with feeling awful 24/7 for 10 entire years now. I hate that I can't work or even do volunteer stuff without making myself sicker. I want to be productive, useful, worthwhile. I want to earn my keep as a human being. I hate just being a money sponge and being unable to give anything back. And if I don't spend the money to maintain my health, I get sicker, and that costs even more money.
And it doesn't just effect me. Dan is stuck at a job he hates because he needs their paltry salary and needs their paltry benefits even more. He has to do most of the housework, all the manual labor, and put up with a whiny wife. If I hadn't gotten sick, I could have tracked down a good paying job as a graphic/web designer/writer in the Tech Center, and we could have kept our nice house as well as having some money in savings and no credit card debt looming over our heads. But I am here, wasting what remains of my intellect and somewhat functional body just sitting around being pissed. I feel like a complete waste of space.
Yeah, I know it could be worse. But it also could be a hell of a lot better.
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