browser life

Rotten night last night. Insomnia despite Ambien. Woke up hourly from 3-6am, was awake from 6:30-8, then finally crashed until 11.

Got up with a headache, violently twitching muscles and just generally feeling as though I had been beaten mercilessly. Could only move in extreme slow motion. Amazed I actually got to my 2pm primary care doctor's appointment on time.

Set up some blood tests that had been requested by Mayo, went over my meds, and talked about the cessation of my benefits by the long term disability insurance company. She said there was very little she could do to help me since my primary disabling problem, severe autoimmune fatigue, is impossible to prove objectively. She's right, of course, but my heart sank hearing it out loud.

She decided I should see a physiatrist as I have not had an objective assessment of my overall physical limitations, just the usual rheumatology and neurology specialty evaluations. I very reluctantly agreed to go. I know it could be very helpful, but I just don't want to add another specialist to my already bewildering list of doctors.

There was a guy she had in mind that she said I would really like, but when we tried to set up an appointment, we found out he doesn't take my insurance. So I'll get a call when the primary care's office has lined someone else up. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but I hope this route doesn't lead to another dead end.

We talked about the Sioux Falls rheumatologist the guys at Mayo wanted me to see. Primary care said this doc was pretty good. But when I went to make an appointment after I got home, I found out the rheumy is going on indefinite maternity leave and isn't taking any new patients!

This leaves the number of rheumatologists for all of Sioux Falls at three in two offices. I have been to both offices and found their docs to be incompetent when it comes to current knowledge of Sjogren's, and neither office would support disability for a Sjogren's/fibromyalgia patient. So if I went there, I could lose my SSDI (I'm up for review this year) in addition to the LTD.

I am soooo burned out. Burned out on tests, doctors in general (even the nice ones), and definitely burned out on continually having to prove I cannot work. I want so much to get back to having a life, but if I give up the fight for benefits, I will do myself irreparable financial harm.

I think I'm even burned out on being burned out, if that makes any sense. I would welcome a boring little job where I could just go in, do what's expected of me, and come home with a paycheck from time to time. Have some down time on the weekends because I earned it during the week, not because I'm exhausted from some kind of therapy.

Things will get better. They always do. But tonight, my headache is evolving into a migraine, and I don't wanna deal with any more doctor searches.