Saturday, January 19, 2008
Rave of the Day for January 19, 2008:
Popped onto Fibrohugs (it's on my Links list) Friday and found the following funnies posted by cathi0101. The first one sounds exactly like stuff a person with fibrofog would say, and I could swear our illustrious president has uttered at least one of these....
Huh? - Mixed up Sayings
Cross my legs and hope to die!
If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!
I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.
It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.
You hit the nail right on the nose.
That guy would give you the arm off his back.
Go jump off a lake.
The gunman was believed to be armed.
I'm up to my ass in elbows.
I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.
You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.
It's half of one, six dozen of another.
He's the cream of the corn.
There are too many cooks in the broth.
The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.
Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!
We are the glue that keeps things moving.
Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?
It just like stealing teeth from a baby.
I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.
You're barking up a dead tree.
That's not his cup of cake.
Put yourself in my pants.
You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.
Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.
I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.
We ought to make the pie higher.
Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.
That guy smokes like a fish!
You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!
I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.
After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.
All old people should be shot at birth.
He's as sharp as a new penny.
I know that area of town like the back of my head.
She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.
She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.
That really burns my goat!
People are dying like pancakes here.
You shouldn't let people get under your goat.
I'm sweating like a bullet.
It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.
I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.
I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.
That really raises the shackles on my neck.
I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.
We gotta get our soup and nuts together.
I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
I used to be as sharp as a button.
That'll put the monkey in your court.
It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.
You're only smart on the outside.
I guess you're just AOL.
If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.
Not everything that shines is baloney.
You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.
Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.
It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.
I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.
We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!
You're a minefield of information.
Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.
You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.
I can't do it in the spur of a hat.
That really burns my craw!
A two-prawn approach is necessary.
He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.
You gotta walk with your pants on.
Can I pick your ear?
I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?
I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.
I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.
You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.
We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.
I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.
The ball is in his camp now.
We need to get our ducks in the fire.
Whatever rubs your boat!
You know I'm just pulling your lamb.
If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!
They need to get all their ducks in one sock.
We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.
We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!
The ball is squarely on our shoulders.
The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.
Make sure you cross your p's and q's.
Throw that monkey back over the fence.
She really rubs me up the wrong tree.
Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.
He had all of his ducks in one sock.
I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.
This thing is about to grow legs and take off.
Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?
If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.
Will everyone stop misundermining me!
I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.
He was slow as Moses.
I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!
My arms were knee-deep in mud.
'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.
We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.
Hey, don't eat the messenger!
It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.
We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.
..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.
He's not the brightest brick in the basket.
Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
You planted the seed, and I ran with it.
I swear on my dog's breakfast!
If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?
Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.
All old people should be shot at birth.
That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.
Eventually, I want it now.
In the last year, you've turned around 150%.
It was a huge incontinence for me.
I was already squeezing the buffalo.
I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.
I think you might have hit the nail on the button.
I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.
I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.
If you have that, the world is your walrus.
It was jumping up and down like a sieve.
I've got ears like a hawk.
This guy's sharp as a cookie.
I had too many hands in the fire.
He's between a rock and a hotplate.
It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.
I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!
It's like the blind talking to the blind!
She's not the brightest tree in the forest.
I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.
Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.
Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
We'd be biting off a new can of worms.
Well, it's no skin off my teeth!
That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.
Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!
If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.
'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.
I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.
Everything has been peaches and gravy.
You're getting too clever for your own boots!
Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.
I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.
Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.
They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.
We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.
We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.
That really throws a monkey at the wrench.
She's totally green under the collar.
You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.
I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.
That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.
He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.
It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!
This is for your FYI.
We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.
I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.
I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.
Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.
We need to iron out our bread and butter.
I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.
Each of you pitched a home run today!
I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.
It's an exercise in fertility.
Hindsight is 50-50.
You are never going to fail unless you try.
We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.
Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.
He might be barking at a red herring.
He was smoking like a fish.
He's as deaf as a bat.
We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.
I didn't have two dimes to pee on.
I gave him a real mouthful.
I really took the bull by the hands.
He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.
I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!
You can lead a pig to pearls...
Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday.
The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.
He would give you the shoes off his back.
That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.
We're going to clean the competition's lunch.
We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.
I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.
The phone was ringing off its hinges.
I didn't want to stir the apple cart.
It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.
I don't put my chickens before the horse.
It was time to get the train out of the harbor.
I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.
I was shooting at straws.
I was running on exhaustion fumes.
I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.
I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.
It's water under the dam now.
I put the ball in the other shoe.
That took the steam out of my sails.
No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!
You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.
Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?
Eventually the penny will come home to roost.
You are the wind beneath my cheeks.
*****************
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's!
*******************
Subject: Resignation
To whom it may concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
* I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
* I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it's prettier and weighs more.
* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
* I want to think the world is fair.
* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.
So......here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,
"Tag!"...
"You're it!"
Huh? - Mixed up Sayings
Cross my legs and hope to die!
If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!
I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.
It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.
You hit the nail right on the nose.
That guy would give you the arm off his back.
Go jump off a lake.
The gunman was believed to be armed.
I'm up to my ass in elbows.
I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.
You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.
It's half of one, six dozen of another.
He's the cream of the corn.
There are too many cooks in the broth.
The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.
Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!
We are the glue that keeps things moving.
Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?
It just like stealing teeth from a baby.
I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.
You're barking up a dead tree.
That's not his cup of cake.
Put yourself in my pants.
You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.
Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.
I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.
We ought to make the pie higher.
Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.
That guy smokes like a fish!
You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!
I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.
After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.
All old people should be shot at birth.
He's as sharp as a new penny.
I know that area of town like the back of my head.
She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.
She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.
That really burns my goat!
People are dying like pancakes here.
You shouldn't let people get under your goat.
I'm sweating like a bullet.
It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.
I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.
I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.
That really raises the shackles on my neck.
I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.
We gotta get our soup and nuts together.
I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
I used to be as sharp as a button.
That'll put the monkey in your court.
It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.
You're only smart on the outside.
I guess you're just AOL.
If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.
Not everything that shines is baloney.
You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.
Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.
It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.
I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.
We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!
You're a minefield of information.
Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.
You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.
I can't do it in the spur of a hat.
That really burns my craw!
A two-prawn approach is necessary.
He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.
You gotta walk with your pants on.
Can I pick your ear?
I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?
I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.
I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.
You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.
We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.
I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.
The ball is in his camp now.
We need to get our ducks in the fire.
Whatever rubs your boat!
You know I'm just pulling your lamb.
If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!
They need to get all their ducks in one sock.
We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.
We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!
The ball is squarely on our shoulders.
The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.
Make sure you cross your p's and q's.
Throw that monkey back over the fence.
She really rubs me up the wrong tree.
Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.
He had all of his ducks in one sock.
I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.
This thing is about to grow legs and take off.
Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?
If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.
Will everyone stop misundermining me!
I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.
He was slow as Moses.
I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!
My arms were knee-deep in mud.
'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.
We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.
Hey, don't eat the messenger!
It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.
We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.
..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.
He's not the brightest brick in the basket.
Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
You planted the seed, and I ran with it.
I swear on my dog's breakfast!
If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?
Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.
All old people should be shot at birth.
That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.
Eventually, I want it now.
In the last year, you've turned around 150%.
It was a huge incontinence for me.
I was already squeezing the buffalo.
I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.
I think you might have hit the nail on the button.
I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.
I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.
If you have that, the world is your walrus.
It was jumping up and down like a sieve.
I've got ears like a hawk.
This guy's sharp as a cookie.
I had too many hands in the fire.
He's between a rock and a hotplate.
It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.
I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!
It's like the blind talking to the blind!
She's not the brightest tree in the forest.
I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.
Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.
Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
We'd be biting off a new can of worms.
Well, it's no skin off my teeth!
That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.
Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!
If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.
'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.
I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.
Everything has been peaches and gravy.
You're getting too clever for your own boots!
Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.
I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.
Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.
They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.
We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.
We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.
That really throws a monkey at the wrench.
She's totally green under the collar.
You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.
I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.
That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.
He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.
It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!
This is for your FYI.
We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.
I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.
I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.
Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.
We need to iron out our bread and butter.
I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.
Each of you pitched a home run today!
I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.
It's an exercise in fertility.
Hindsight is 50-50.
You are never going to fail unless you try.
We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.
Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.
He might be barking at a red herring.
He was smoking like a fish.
He's as deaf as a bat.
We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.
I didn't have two dimes to pee on.
I gave him a real mouthful.
I really took the bull by the hands.
He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.
I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!
You can lead a pig to pearls...
Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday.
The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.
He would give you the shoes off his back.
That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.
We're going to clean the competition's lunch.
We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.
I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.
The phone was ringing off its hinges.
I didn't want to stir the apple cart.
It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.
I don't put my chickens before the horse.
It was time to get the train out of the harbor.
I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.
I was shooting at straws.
I was running on exhaustion fumes.
I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.
I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.
It's water under the dam now.
I put the ball in the other shoe.
That took the steam out of my sails.
No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!
You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.
Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?
Eventually the penny will come home to roost.
You are the wind beneath my cheeks.
*****************
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's!
*******************
Subject: Resignation
To whom it may concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
* I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
* I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it's prettier and weighs more.
* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
* I want to think the world is fair.
* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.
So......here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,
"Tag!"...
"You're it!"
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