browser life

I like to think I don't complain excessively about the pain - after all, it's a 24/7 thing, and I've been putting up with it for 11 years. But right now I'm at a level of agony that would make even a saint swear like a sailor. And I don't get discouraged often, but tonight, I'm waving the white flag.

My base pain level has been climbing steadily for about a month I think? No particular reason - that's just how it goes sometimes. Been doing my usual ignoring it, tuning it out, distracting myself by watching funny movies or listening to music or whatever, and that worked reasonably well until this week.

I started developing a migraine Tuesday night I think. And with my pain level already high, that just turned EVERYTHING up to an 11 on a scale of 1-10. Can't handle much physical movement without becoming dizzy and disoriented, the sound of a child screaming at the grocery store about turned me inside out, I'm so fibro-fogged that it took me 10 minutes to decide whether I needed to put on a pair of socks, and the smell of someone's perfume brought on an asthma attack.

Yesterday, I went to my usual aquacise because I need to keep my muscles loose while I'm in a flare. But I had to do most of the exercises with my eyes closed because the reflection of the overhead lights on the water was making me nauseous. I'd hoped exercise would help the headache, but it didn't.

Today, I had a dentist appointment for a regular checkup. By then, I was so sensitive that every time they scraped a tooth for cleaning, I thought I was gonna jump out of my skin. And sitting in the chair was plenty uncomfortable even though I had taken a non-sedating muscle relaxant before the appointment to try to make it more tolerable.

I was in tears after I got home because I simply couldn't help it. I would have gone to the ER if there was anything they could do for me, but I really have tried all reasonable treatments in the past without success. Unfortunately, due to my gastroparesis, I cannot tolerate any pain meds.

So I sat there on the couch for awhile and wished I was unconscious. No, I don't wish myself any harm, I just wish I wasn't awake enough to experience pain for awhile. I hate when I get so desperate for relief that I would take just about anything, legal or not (but don't worry, I never do).

I'm not fond of the idea that I will likely hurt for decades to come. It seems bleak at the moment. I know that these migraines do eventually burn themselves out, and my sense of hopelessness will probably fade right along with it, but right now, I just need a virtual (very gentle) pat on the head.

Thanks for letting me get this out of my system. In a weird way, it is a form of pain relief.