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Been waiting nine months to get in to see a new rheumatologist. This will make number four in Sioux Falls; there are only five in the whole city, so this one reallllly needs to work out. Weird....all the months I was waiting, I was impatient, and now that I'm finally gonna get in, I am dreading this like crazy.

The first three rheumys I saw in Sioux Falls were all a-holes, so there's plenty of reason for my trepidation. I was told lovely things, like: I couldn't have Sjogren's with negative bloodwork (untrue), I could be cured of my fibromyalgia with exercise (untrue), and that my arthritis was not caused by autoimmune disease but by old age (I'm only 44!). Also, all three told me that neither Sjogren's nor fibromyalgia is ever disabling even though I've had to be on disability since January 2005.

I am due for review by Social Security, and I must have the support of a credible rheumatologist plus documentation. But how do you get the support of a doc who's never seen you before? Especially when another doc in the same office basically dismissed me as another "lazy" fibro patient (her words, not mine).

I'm afraid I'm gonna go in there all hostile because I've had such horrible experiences from the other docs. I tend to get defensive sometimes when there is no reason to be. But I don't want to get humiliated yet again, either.

I am sooo afraid I'm gonna screw this up. I could easily lose my Social Security benefits if this doc sides with the quacks and decides there's nothing much wrong with me. I mean, I would love to go back to work, but it's pretty much impossible no matter how much I want it.

Ack. I'm rambling because I don't want to go to bed and not sleep. There are very few things in this world that freak me out, but having my health and entire financial future depend on the opinion of someone who doesn't know me is scary as hell.