browser life

Was watching "Grey's Anatomy" from Thursday on the DVR tonight. On it there was a character who had had chronic unrelenting head pain for seven years. One of the docs said he must have a low pain threshold.

Then the patient mentioned that his wife had died recently. He said that he didn't even feel the pain from that because the pain in his head was so severe that it took up his entire capacity. I know it's just something that a writer came up with for a TV show, but it brought tears to my eyes because there are times that a situation like that is not much of an exaggeration.

I don't think most people realize that chronic severe pain interferes with functioning in all areas of life, including emotional. Not just stuff like being depressed from hurting so much, but also strong feelings both positive and negative in interpersonal relationships. I find myself no longer able to mourn or sustain any intense negative emotion for prolonged periods; the capacity seems to have faded as my chronic pain has grown.

As for the positive side of life, I know it seems counter-intuitive that something like euphoria would raise someone's pain level, but that does seem to be the case with me; it's just too intense to sustain without consequences. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not happy and don't strive for good in my life, it's just that I've had to learn to be satisfied with less exuberance. I suspect that may a contributing factor as to why I can no longer write poetry; the emotional extremes I used to experience are now blunted in order for me to function.

I'm not a scientist or a doctor, so I have no real knowledge of why this is or whether many chronic pain patients experience this. But I believe that at least part of the problem is that the pain is a huge huge distraction that takes up excessive amounts of brain activity. The result is similar to trying to have an eloquent conversation during a rock concert while standing next to the amplifier; only the most basic of notions can get past all that noise.

And even though this post may seem like the ramblings of a nut job, I will say this: the concert in my head goes up to 11.