browser life

I've been sick for 12 years now, so I'm accustomed to having down times. But those times typically last only a day or two at the most, and then I get back the best I can to business as usual. The past few months, though, the losses and setbacks have been piling up, sometimes quicker than I can adjust to them.

Since October, my dog, my uncle, and FOUR friends have died. Two of the friends died quite suddenly Wednesday morning, and all four friends were approximately my age (40's), which is rather sobering. And one other friend found out a few weeks ago that there is nothing more that can be done for her pancreatic cancer, so the docs have her on narcotics to keep her comfortable enough so that she can at least make it to church for now.

Then last night, I found out that my brother-in-law is being deployed to Iraq. He won't actually go there until next year, but he'll be gone from home for training quite a bit of time between now and then. His boy is only 20 months old but will be four by the time he returns from Iraq.

And while I wasn't terribly freaked out by the whole breast lump investigation saga, it WAS tremendously physically exhausting for me. I just don't have the stamina to be away from home very long anymore. Aquacise is tiring enough, and that's just 40 minutes of stretching and walking in water.

So suffice to say I am utterly wiped out, to the point that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday on Sunday because it will be too tiring, and I am too fed up with all the accommodations I require for a simple dinner with relatives. This is totally unlike me as I used to love parties and other social occasions. Now I can't even generate enthusiasm for someone buying me lunch.

I wish I could take a vacation from myself, but unfortunately, my ailments follow me no matter what I do. I hate having to negotiate time of day, content of meals, how much physical effort will be involved, etc. just to have fun in a social setting. And I miss Colorado terribly.

It completely sucks that being the life of the party these days would be the equivalent of moving a mountain for me. Things will get better with time; they always do, especially when I've been able to process my losses and press on. But for now, I'm waving the white flag.