Monday, December 20, 2010

Rave of the Day for December 20, 2010: 

More fun from the archives. Don't know the source of this hilarity, but it's dated 2003:

Cat Wisdom

Annoying/Embarrassing Habits: Misuse/Misappropriation of Items ---

1. Although my name is Socks, this does not give me the right to take my human's socks, hide them, and growl at anyone or anything that comes near me when I am in possession of a sock.

2. I do not need to remove used feminine products from the bathroom wastebasket to show to company.

3. I don't have to grab my humans' shoes and rub my face and slobber all over them. I could show that affection to the humans instead.

4. I will not bring all of the pantyhose that my human took off in the bedroom and drop them at her feet in the living room every day. Pantyhose are not some dangerous creature and I do not have to save her from them.

5. I will not do a high-wire act across the curtain rods.

6. I will not drag dirty socks out of the laundry basket and bury them in the litter box.

7. I will not hide bath plugs under the lounge. My human has provided my with enough cat toys - bath plugs are not one of them.

8. I will not secretly extricate my human's silk lingerie from the 2 cm opening in her dresser drawer. I will not proceed to hide the articles of clothing under chairs, tables, or Christmas trees.

9. I will remember that I do not have to sit with the door open to watch it rain. I will use the window.

10. I will stop putting the dog's food into my human's shoes.

--- Misuse/Misappropriation of Items ---

1. Aquariums are for fish, not cats. Upon finding an empty one, I will not climb into it on a DAILY basis and go to sleep with all four feet in the air and my face mushed against the glass. If I do so, I will at least have the good grace to stay put until my human gets his camera ready.

2. Cats should not steal or do serious damage to the plumber's, exterminator's, electrician's, or handyman's tools or equipment, especially while they are using them.

3. Dresser drawers are meant for clothes, not for cats to hide and play in. Especially when they slither in behind the drawers like furry snakes and get stuck.

4. Every pillow/bed/plastic bag/food item is not for me.

5. I do not need the pop tart wrapper even if it is shiny and silver. I especially don't need it when the pop tart is still in it.

6. I do not need to sit on paper. The carpet is perfectly comfortable and I look silly sitting on old newspapers.

7. I don't need to hide all of my treasures behind the refrigerator, especially the pop tarts.

8. I don't need to open drawers to get at the plastic baggies, this worries my human as she fears I'll choke to death.

9. I promise I will no longer bite the rim of the pink plastic waste bin in the bathroom (it looks like it is recovering from a horrid case of teenage acne already).

10. I promise not to hunt down all the dirty socks and hide them around the house. I like my human to go outside with me but she insists on wearing those sock and shoe things.

11. I promise to stop stealing and hiding one of every pair of my human's earrings. (It's her own fault for leaving them on the bureau while she's dressing.)

12. I shall not jump through a neighbour's kitchen window and steal the foil-wrapped joint of roast beef intended for their Sunday dinner - if it just proves irresistible, I shall not leave evidence in the form of foil wrap right outside my own cat flap.

13. I will acknowledge that my human's hand bag is not a suitable storage facility for my cat biscuits.

14. I will allow my human to have his half of the bed.

15. I will never again steal two of my human's clean bras off the line, drag them under a chair in the living room and chew them until they are nice and soggy. This makes my human really cross.

16. I will not break into the (supposedly) securely latched pantry to steal individually wrapped Twinkies. If caught stealing Twinkies, I will then not run over to my food dish and drop the package in and look at my human smugly as it is now mine by virtue of it being in my food dish. (The pantry in question was one that was built in the 1940's and had a latch that you had to turn in order to open it - he figured out how to turn the latch and then pull the door open. It was funny to come into the kitchen and see him half-way into the pantry and then come out with the Twinkie sticking out on either side of his face ... he literally took one look at me and dashed PAST me to drop the Twinkie in his food dish then looked at me again. I really couldn't argue with the theory that if it's in his dish it's his.)

--- Not All There: Miscellaneous Strangeness ---

1. At 9 years old, I should not be living in the cabinet under the bathroom sink. It is disconcerting to the humans to open the doors and see kitty eyes looking at them.

2. Being close to the ceiling is not really as important as it seems.

3. Bubble bath bubbles will not support my weight. I will get wet instead.

4. Bubbles are not solid objects. Therefore I do not need to get frustrated and angry when I cannot catch them, or they disappear into thin air. Furthermore, I must not demand that my humans continue to produce them when they either get tired of blowing them, or run out.

5. Dashing outside every time the door opens to attack the trees presents a problem when one has become newly de-clawed.

6. Despite what I may think, bad timing is not better than no timing at all.

7. Doors are solid and allowed to be closed. If one of the humans has the door closed, it is because they don't want me in there. Headbutting the door will only get me a headache, not to mention it will annoy said human.

8. Hissing at the cat outside 20 feet away isn't effective. He will just ignore me.

9. I am a neutered male cat. I will not let the new kitten nurse on me and then not complain to my human that my belly is now wet.

10. I cannot fit through the strings of a harp; neither sneaking up on it, nor running at it in full spaz mode, will ever increase my chances of doing so. Relocation of the harp to another room has no effect whatsoever on the distance between the strings. It is still the same harp, and I still can't fit.

11. I cannot spring at a bird through a fence.

12. I do not have to constantly prove that I have fewer brain cells than most house plants.

13. I do not have to live up to my name (Ambush) with such enthusiasm.

14. I do not need to throw a temper tantrum every time I see the "new" kitten. Throwing a tantrum is undignified. This is not a bad dream, it is a reality.

15. I hate water, so every time my human takes a bath I will not dip my paws into the bathtub. I will not then act offended when I get wet!

16. I know I'm a small cat (about 8 pounds) but if I go hunting my humans don't think a moth is very impressive prey.

17. I will not attack the fridge.

18. I will not become upset with my human because it is raining. My human may control the faucets and the shower, but I will have to take up the rain with a higher authority.

19. I will not bite my human on the legs to tell her I love her.

20. I will not chase my tail, act surprised when I catch it, shake it annoyance that I caused myself pain when I caught and bit it, get distracted and fascinating by the sinuously waving tail and set the process in motion again.

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