Friday, February 04, 2011
Rave of the Day for February 4, 2011:
Most of my life's most embarrassing moments don't begin to compare to some of these. Enjoy these funnies which come from the 2003 archives....
A Little Laugh Or Two, Or Three, Or....
Ever Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow, and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I then turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .... he knew better. (Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX)
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
(Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC)
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower, when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable - so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well, that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture and, laughing hysterically, she suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that, in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. (There's such a thing as women's golf balls?) After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
(Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI)
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
(Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD)
Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
(Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia)
Priceless
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
(Diane E. Amov)
Sheep Fries..........
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."
A Little Laugh Or Two, Or Three, Or....
Ever Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow, and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I then turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .... he knew better. (Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX)
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
(Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC)
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower, when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable - so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well, that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture and, laughing hysterically, she suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that, in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. (There's such a thing as women's golf balls?) After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
(Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI)
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
(Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD)
Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
(Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia)
Priceless
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
(Diane E. Amov)
Sheep Fries..........
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."
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