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"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

- Mark Twain

My focus is primarily financial this year. Not because all else in my life is perfect (ha!), but because certain goals are no longer reasonable for me. For instance, my weight has been creeping upward, and it would be easier on my arthritic body if I dropped 10 or even 20 pounds, but I cannot exercise at a level that would enable me to achieve this, and I'm already eating as healthily as possible most of the time. Also, on the positive side, I have kept some of my resolutions from past years, like reading more, eating out less and attending church more regularly, so I don't have to re-visit them for the time being.

Here we go:

1. Try to get all the credit cards paid off by the end of 2012. If medical bills make this impossible (which is why we are currently carrying multiple balances), pay the most the budget will allow.

2. Funnel some of each paycheck into savings whenever possible to cover emergencies without using the credit cards.

3. Try to ease back into a more practical sleep schedule, even when in a flare. Maybe start with going to bed just 15 minutes earlier? Gradually work back to a bedtime of no later than midnight.

4. Keep foods containing artificial colors and/or flavors to a bare minimum (I got sick Christmas Eve eating just a tiny bit of Neopolitan ice cream as a treat). This is an extension of the "avoiding non-nutritional food" rule.

5. Ease into extending the Gazelle workouts to 30 minutes on a consistent basis. If this is achieved prior to year's end, start gradually increasing the intensity to get the heart rate above a resting level.

6. Start scrapbooking again!

That should be sufficient. Gotta leave myself something to work on in 2013, right? Ha!

This appeared in But You Don't Look Sick. It has a fairly balanced viewpoint:

New Year's Resolutions: Why They Are So Tricky

I tend to think of resolutions as goals, and I need to feel like I'm making progress on SOMETHING, even if that something is vague or small. I used to get discouraged because I approached the whole thing with an either/or mentality, meaning when I broke a resolution, I gave up. But if anything, chronic illness has forced me to learn to be a lot more flexible in my goals, and that if I mess up or have a day when I simply cannot achieve a goal, I try again the next day or whenever it is possible to do so. I will type up my own list for 2012 in a little while.

Here is the trailer to the movie version of "One For the Money". I might just have to check this out in the actual theatre:

One For the Money

I am beyond spoiled as of Christmas. I have gift cards to BOTH the regular and the discount theatres! They have no expiration dates, but I'm pretty sure they'll be used up before 2012 comes to a close, heh heh.

Book Review: "One For the Money: A Stephanie Plum Novel" by Janet Evanovich

I'm not much of a mystery reader. But about five years ago, my sister gave me the first four Stephanie Plum novels for Christmas. I tackled "One For the Money", the first in the series (which is now up to 18 books), on a plane to Florida. By the time I landed, I was almost sorry the flight was over because I was already hooked and wanted to find out how the book ended. Now this novel is being made into a major motion picture starring Katherine Heigl which comes out in theatres on January 27th, so I picked it back up recently and reread it.

The Stephanie Plum books are not mysteries in the traditional sense. For one thing, the main character is not exactly a cop or private investigator. She's a bounty hunter, sort of. Stephanie is a wise cracking New Jersey native who finds herself between jobs and goes to work for a relative that is a bail bondsman. Desperate for cash, she agrees to skip tracing, meaning she is supposed to bring in folks who jumped bail. Trouble is, some of those people aren't too keen on being found. To make matters worse, Stephanie has seriously underestimated what she has gotten herself into.

The other thing that makes this book unlike traditional mysteries is that it's laugh-out-loud funny. Some of the humor is crude, so it is not for the easily offended, but I found it so hilarious that people on the plane were giving me sideways glances. Stephanie is a klutz, has no idea how to use a gun, and has remarkably bad luck, especially with vehicles and with men. This lands her in some rather embarrassing situations.

Stephanie's first assignment is a doozy: a cop named Joe Morelli, who might be referred to politely as a "frenemy". Joe has been accused of murder and has no intentions of coming in until his name is cleared. Stephanie not only has to figure out how to nab Joe, but also how to keep herself safe from those who knew the murder victim and don't want her snooping around. From commandeering Morelli's vehicle to being terrorized by a psycho prize fighter, she's in way over her head.

Punctuating the more humorous scenarios, such as dinner at her family's house (Stephanie's grandmother is a laugh riot), there are some truly scary moments that hit you out of the blue because you're busy being amused by the preceding sentence. Like any good mystery, you never know quite where the story is going or what the characters are going to do. But this novel, like the other five in the series I have read so far, has a satisfying if unpredictable conclusion.

Even if you have never been to New Jersey, you will feel like a native by the time you finish "One For the Money". The vivid descriptions of the Trenton neighborhoods and the colorful personalities to be found there are a big part of the novel's charm. And it is easy to identify with Stephanie's awkward brassiness.

With only fourteen chapters, this book is a surprisingly quick read, something to breeze through on a vacation or even a single afternoon if you're ambitious. It is widely available in paperback. You probably have time to pick it up and devour it before the movie comes out.

This article appeared in the Celiac.com newsletter in September (yes, I am MONTHS behind in posting stuff). I find this VERY encouraging:

Subway Slowly Expands Gluten-free Tests

I need to do some investigating to see if any of the restaurants near me are participating. It is a pain in the tuckus to find a fast gluten-free meal while traveling, but there are Subways everywhere. If more of them offer gluten-free options, it would help immensely.

Got a theme going here. More from the 2002 archives. I've seen this several times and don't know the original source....


THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS

It's a week after Christmas,
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake,
I think I'm gonna croak!

It's nice to see the relatives.
I wonder when they'll leave?
They've been camping in my bathroom
Since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
And sleeping in my bed.
I've been sacked out in the basement
With my old beagle Ned.

The relatives have all gone out
And left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
And I can't find the cat!

It's Christmastime at my house,
The relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home
And drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations
And the sleigh bells in the snow,
But I wish those pesky relatives
Would take their kids and go!

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
A twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
Like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,
The girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys.

My mother-in-law is snoring
In my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
And tinseling her hair.

I oughta wake her up
Before the fireworks begin,
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
When they plug her in!

I love the decorations
And the sleigh bells in the snow,
But I wish those pesky relatives
Would take their kids and go!

Another holdover from the 2002 archives. I suspect Ducky was the culprit here too, heh heh.....


'Twas the Night After Christmas By Jeff Foxworthy

'Twas the night after Christmas
And all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat
And the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty,
No candies or toys.
And I was camped out
On my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking
To me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said
They had had in their lives.

My wife couldn't argue
And neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife,
She just cried.

When out in the yard
The dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked
And I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn
To uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here
From a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus,
I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in
Without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me,
Just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller,
With a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs
Like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard,
And a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds
Like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy"
The Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing
Is dressed all in red.

I'm here for the truth now,
It's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
Tell me what you've seen."

Well, I started to lie,
Then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time
That I've spent New Year's in jail.

I said, "Sheriff, it happened
Last night about ten.
I thought that my wife
Had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work,
She was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe
She had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer
Had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof
Of our good neighbor Red.

Well I ran outside to look
And the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison
Standing right on Red's gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin'
As I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney
This feller did run.

And slung on his back
Was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff
While old Red was out bowling'.

So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy,
Hands in the air!"
But he went about his business
Like he hadn't a care!

So I popped off a warning shot
Over his head.
Well he dropped that bag
And he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off,
I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy,
I'll see ya in court."

From the 2002 archives. Author unknown, but probably forwarded to me by Ducky....


'Twas The Day After Christmas

'Twas the day after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin',
Even the mouse.

The toys were all broken,
Their batteries dead;
Santa passed out,
With some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons
Just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family
Continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt,
New Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen
And started to clean.

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink
To see what was the matter.

Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains,
And threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a little white truck,
With an over-sized mirror.

The driver was smiling,
So lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said
"U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills,
He grinned like a fox,
Then quickly he stuffed them
Into our mailbox.

Bill after bill,
After bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting,
He called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's,
Now Penney's and Sears!
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's
And Target and Mervyn's.

To the tip of your limit,
Every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--
Charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled
As he finished his work.
He filled up the box,
And then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck,
And he drove down the road,
Driving much faster
With just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim
With great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got --
You'll be paying all year!"

"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace."

~ Agnes M. Pahro

glitter-graphics.com

Got this from the "Life with Dogs" page on Facebook. This is one happy pup:

Golden Loves Guitar

Gonna mostly take it easy tomorrow until time to go to church. We go to my sister-in-law's immediately afterward and will be up late. Then it's back to church Christmas morning and then probably the rest of the day with Dan's family. Thanks to all the sweet, beautiful people who have sent cards, letters and e-mails this holiday season. It's good to be reminded how blessed I am.

Christmas Eve Prayer

On a night like this 2000 years ago, a child was born in hope to change the world. Tonight - somewhere - a child is being born in hope to change the world.

And light shines.

Tonight - somewhere - someone who is ready to do harm pauses and remembers a child from long ago . . . and chooses hope and peace instead of violence.

And light shines.

Tonight - somewhere - someone who is lonely and afraid is comforted by a stranger . . . and knows a moment of hope and love.

And light shines.

Tonight - somewhere - someone who is hungry or naked receives the gift of food or clothing . . . and knows hope, feeling full and warm.

And light shines.

. . . we are thankful that tonight - here and there - people choose to act with peace, with love, with generosity, with mercy . . . and Christ is born again in hope . . .
Gracious God, creator and lover of the universe, be born in us again, as you were born long ago. Be born in us as you continue to be born again and again in the words and deeds of faithful people. Be born in us as light, as joy, as peace, as justice. Be born in us so that we may be the light of your love in this time and in this place. Amen.

A Young Pastor's Christmas Gift
By John William Smith
 
In 1962 I was preaching in Indianapolis, Indiana. I was single, and it was Christmas time. I was headed home to Michigan to enjoy the holidays with my family. It was an extremely cold day, and it was snowing.
 
The wind was howling out of the North, blowing thick clouds of fine flakes across the road - it looked like a blizzard. The roads were icy in places, and there was little traffic. Somewhere near Ft. Wayne, Indiana, I saw a soldier standing under an overpass. He had a green army cap pulled as tight and low as possible over his head, his collar was pulled up around his ears, his hands were shoved down in his pockets, and he had a stuffed duffel bag standing beside him.
 
I was driving a Chevrolet Corvette, and I was going very fast - faster than I should have been, considering the road conditions. As I sped by, the soldier jerked one hand out of his pocket and raised his thumb. My Corvette had two seats - not a front and back seat, but two seats side by side - and I was in one of them. The trunk was big enough to hold three loaves of bread and a pound of lunch meat. Not only was my limited trunk space stuffed full with the clothes and boots I would need for my stay in Michigan, the front seat was stacked high as well, with the presents that I had purchased for my folks and my nieces and nephews.
 
When I saw the soldier, I was going much too fast to stop, and I was well down the highway before I gave it much thought. I told myself that I couldn't possibly get him and his duffel bag in the car - I debated about the terrible inconvenience and delay it would cause if I did, and by the time I decided that perhaps I ought to at least offer to help, I was two miles down the road and out of sight. But my Christian Conscience really went to work on me.
 
It was so cold, traffic was almost nonexistent - he was a soldier - and it was Christmas. The inner battle raged for another three miles.

Finally, I decided I would never get any peace unless I offered to help, so I made a U-turn and went back. I hoped with all my heart that someone else had picked him up.
 
That way, I could satisfy my conscience and not be inconvenienced - wouldn't that be great? But he was still there, looking more forlorn, lonely, and cold than ever. I was disgusted. I pulled up and rolled down the window. He came running, stumbling on his numb feet, dragging the duffel bag. He leaned over and stuck his head in the window. His face was bluish, his teeth were chattering, his eyebrows and eyelashes were matted with frozen snow, and he could scarcely speak intelligibly.
 
"Thanks so much for stopping", he said. "I had about given up hope."
 
That was not what I wanted to hear.
 
"Where are you going?" I asked, hoping that it was in some direction that would alleviate me from further responsibility. "I live in Michigan, in Taylor Township," he said hopefully. That was really discouraging. It wasn't directly on my may, but it wasn't too much out of my way either.
 
"I'm going to Royal Oak," I said reluctantly. "Oh," he said, "I know where that is. That's great! If I could just ride with you to Ann Arbor, it would mean a lot to me. I'm almost frozen; I can't feel my ears or feet any more," he said plaintively.
 
"I don't think I can possibly get both you and your things in," I said.
 
"If you'll let me, I'll get in - I promise you. I've been standing here for three hours."
 
I told him to try getting in, and we began rearranging things. The duffel bag was almost as big as he was, and there was only one place for it - the passenger seat. No matter how he put it in the car, he couldn't get in himself. I suggested that maybe he could hide it somewhere and come back for it later. He said he couldn't possibly do that; it had his kids' Christmas presents in it, and he wasn't going anywhere without it. I finally got out, walked around the car, and told him to sit down in the passenger seat. As he sat there, I wedged the duffel bag between his legs and between the floor and the roof of the car. I sandwiched all of my presents around him - and I slammed the door. He couldn't move, he couldn't see out either the windshield or his side window - but he was in. I still don't know how we did it.
 
Once he began to get warm, he began to talk. I found out he was stationed at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. "Didn't I see you go by about five minutes ago?" he asked. I really felt stupid.
 
"Ummm, yes," I said. "You mean you turned around and came back?!" I nodded an affirmative.
 
"Why would you do that?" I paused a long moment.
 
"Well, you see, I was raised in a home where helping people who were in need was very important. In addition, I'm a minister - actually, it's more than that - I'm a Christian, and if it weren't for that, I'd probably still be going. I have as hard a time doing the right thing as most folks. I fought with this decision for five miles - it's Jesus who makes me do things like turn around and come back. When I don't do the right thing, I have this feeling He's looking at me, and He's so disappointed that I can't stand it."
 
"Oh!" he said. "you don't know how that convicts me. I'm  going to tell you something I never thought I'd tell anybody. I'm no Christian, but my wife is the best person in the whole world, and she goes to church all the time and takes the kids. Truthfully, I've done everything I could to discourage her, but she just keeps going. She's all the time trying to get me to go, telling me that someday I'm going to wish I had.
 
"Do you know why I'm here hitchhiking? Let me tell you a little story. I was turned down for holiday leave because I got drunk and caused some trouble at the base. I was sick about it. I haven't seen my wife and kids for six months. A friend of mine, who's single, found out at the last minute that his folks were coming to visit some relatives who live close to the base during the holidays. He went to our commanding officer and volunteered to take my duty, if he would let me go home.
 
He gave me permission, but I had spent all my money buying presents, which I was going to mail home, so I decided to start hitchhiking. My family doesn't even know I'm coming. I wasn't sure I'd make it, and I didn't want to disappoint them. I've been standing there for three hours, thinking. I watched folks drive by, and it occurred to me that some of them must be Christians, and it made me feel pretty bitter - until I got to thinking about what a lousy person I am, and I knew if I was them, that I probably wouldn't stop either.
 
"Let me tell you something embarrassing - I got so cold, so lonely, and so desperate that I started to pray - honest to God I did - it was so humiliating. I told God that if he would help me, I'd do better. And you know what? About that time you showed up, and you told me that you came back because of Jesus - now what do you make of that?"
 
"Well, first I'd say that maybe there's more to Christianity than either of us thought, and second, I'd say you'd better start doing better." I found out exactly where he lived, and we agreed that I could get him pretty close before I had to go in another direction. I think I knew what I was going to do long before I actually said anything. As we approached the intersection where I was going to let him out, I told him that I had made up my mind to take him home.
 
About two hours later, we pulled up in his driveway. It was almost dark.
 
He was really excited. He asked me to blow my horn, and I did. A few minutes passed, and the inside door opened slowly. The glass in the outside door was frosted over, and whoever was looking out could only tell that there was a car in the driveway. The outside door opened, and a five-or six-year old, barefooted boy peeked around the door. When he saw my sports car, he came out on the porch and peered intently at us. His dad opened the door and stepped out.
 
"Hi, David, it's Daddy;  I'm home for Christmas!" He started to say more, but the boy had seen the uniform and heard the voice.
 
The boy's face lit up, and he turned back into the house. I could hear him distinctly - "Mama, Daddy's home," he yelled shrilly. "Daddy's Home! Mama! Mama! Daddy's home for Christmas!"
 
The door opened again, and it didn't open slowly this time - it was thrown open. A woman dressed in a bathrobe and house slippers came running down the steps, her hair flying in the wind, oblivious to the snow and the cold, eyes and mouth opened wide with excitement, with joy etched in every line of her face. "Oh, Carl," she said, "Oh, Carl, you're home. Praise God, you're home.
 
The kids and I have been praying every day that, somehow, God would send you home."
 
She was followed by a skinny, fair-haired, ten-year-old girl and finally by a towheaded, blanket-toting, two or three-year-old girl. They kissed and hugged and laughed and cried, and they danced in the cold and the snow until the soldier finally disentangled himself from them long enough to introduce me.
 
"This is John," he said. "He's a minister and he's also a Christian; and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. And I'm going to tell you something honey, right here and now. I told John that I had promised God that I was going to do better, and I am. I'm going to stop drinking, be a better husband, a better father - a better man - and we're going to start going to church together."
 
I have never witnessed such gratitude in my life. They all had to hug me and kiss me - even the two-year-old - and they told me what a blessing I was to them and that they owed me a debt they could never pay. I was so embarrassed, because I was so unworthy. I had grudged the whole thing until after we had started talking. I wanted to tell them that I didn't deserve any thanks.
 
I tried to leave, but they simply wouldn't allow it. I had to go in the house. I had to eat something and drink something; I had to accept a gift from them - yes, I had to. They would not allow me not to, and the more they did, the better and the worse I felt.
 
I was so embarrassed. You know why? I had just witnessed something private - a family thing - something I wasn't part of - something not meant for outsiders - and, yes, I was - I was embarrassed. And you know what else?
 
I envied Carl. I thought that it must be wonderful beyond description to be loved by a woman like that and missed like that and to be so unworthy - and I think Carl was just beginning to understand what he had. I have learned since then that only those who have come to know and feel the love of God can love the unworthy - and I have also learned that we are all unworthy.
 
Carl was home. I think that at that moment, home meant more to him, perhaps, than it would ever mean again. And when I got to my home and saw my folks and told them why I was late, they were so proud of me - and I was a little proud of myself. Home was somehow brighter, warmer, more dear to me than it had ever been before. Every human longing - bound up in the inherent yearning to be loved and to be "home" and to experience the peace and security that "home" signifies - has found its fulfillment in Jesus who said, " I go to prepare a place for you." Everything we ever dreamed of home being - what it was or was not - is in that place. Jesus has given purpose, even to the dream of death, because for those who know God - that is the way home.
 
"How silently, how silently,
the wondrous gift is given.
So God imparts to human hearts,
the blessings of His heaven.
No ear may hear His coming,
but in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him still,
the dear Christ enters in."
 
Jesus comes to us in many ways. He came to me in the form of a freezing soldier trying to get home for Christmas. He came to a freezing soldier in the form of a young minister trying to find his way to God. Either one of us could have missed Him.
 
I hope Jesus comes to you this Christmas too, and His coming is always in an unexpected way - don't ever miss Him.

The Christmas Story in a Modern Context by Bishop Shelby Spong

Far back beyond the beginning, stretching out into the unknowable, incomprehensible, unfathomable depths, dark and void, of infinite eternity behind all history, the Christpower was alive. This was the Living, bursting, pulsing, generating, creating, smoldering, exploding, fusing, multiplying, emerging, erupting, pollenizing, inseminating, heating, cooling power of life itself: Christpower. And it was good! Here all things that we know began their journey into being. Here light separated from darkness. Here Christpower began to take form. Here life became real, and that life spread into emerging new creatures evolving into ever higher intelligence. There was a sacrifice here and a mutation there. There was grace and resurrection appearing in their natural order, occurring, recurring, and always driven by the restless, creating, energizing life force of God, called the Christpower, which flowed in the veins of every living thing forever and ever and ever and ever. And it was good!

In time, in this universe, there emerged creatures who were called human, and the uniqueness of these creatures lay in that they could perceive this life-giving power. They could name it and embrace it and grow with it and yearn for it.

Thus human life was born, but individual expressions of that human life were marked with a sense of incompleteness, inadequacy, and a hunger that drove them ever beyond the self to search for life's secret and to seek the source of life's power. this was a humanity that could not be content with anything less.

And once again in that process there was sacrifice and mutation, grace and resurrection now in the human order, occurring, recurring. And it was good!

Finally, in the fullness of time, within that human family, one unique and special human life appeared: whole, complete, free, loving, living, being, at one, at peace, at rest. In that life was seen with new intensity that primal power of the universe, Christpower. And it was good! Of that life people said: Jesus, you are THE Christ, for in you we see and feel and experience the living force of life and love and being of God.

He was hated, rejected, betrayed, killed, but he was never distorted. For here was a life in which the goal, the dream, the hope of all life is achieved. A single life among many lives. Here among us, out from us, and yet this power, this essence, was not from us at all, for the Christpower that was seen in Jesus is finally of God.

And even when the darkness of death overwhelmed him, the power of life resurrected him; for Christpower is is life eternal, without beginning, without ending. It is the secret of creation. It is the goal of humanity.

Here in this life we glimpse that immortal, invisible, most blessed, most glorious, almighty life-giving force of this universe in startling completeness in a single person. Men and women tasted the power that was in him and they were made whole by it. They entered a new freedom, a new being. They knew resurrection and what it means to live in the Eternal Now. So they became agents of that power, sharing those gifts from generation to generation, creating and re-creating, transforming, redeeming, making all things new. And as this power moved among human beings, light once more separated from darkness. And it was good! They searched for the words to describe the moment that recognized the fullness of this power living in history, living in the life of this person. But words failed them.

So they lapsed into poetry: When this life was born, they said, a great light split the dark sky. Angelic choruses peopled the heavens to sing of peace on earth. They told of a virgin mother, of shepherds compelled to worship, of a rejecting world that had no room in the inn. They told of stars and Oriental kings, of gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. For when this life was born that power that was and is with God, inseparable, the endless beginning, was seen even in a baby in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.

Christpower. Jesus, you are the Christ. To know you is to live, to love, to be. O come, then let us adore him!

A rather hilarious article from But You Don't Look Sick, just in time for Santa to load up his sleigh. Wish I had thought of it:

Why, Yes, Virginia...There Really ARE Spoonies!

I wonder if Santa could bring me some energy, PLEASE? Hard to explain to healthy folks what a mixture of joy and dread this holiday season brings those of us who are sick. The dread is because we know that even the most joyful stuff will wear us out so much that we can't function for days, weeks or even months afterward.

"Before Santa and presents and shopping and all the attendant Christmas (stuff) got involved, this holiday was enshrined to commemorate a guy who got nailed to a tree for daring to tell people to be kind to one another. If you have two cloaks, He said, give one away. Remember those who have less than you, be charitable, be good, be merciful."

- William Rivers Pitt

"Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection."

~Pindar

Here's one for the troops. Don't know the original author, but I found it on Fibrohugs in 2002....


TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST
WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTEL,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS FOR MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

Got this link off the "Life With Dogs" page on Facebook. It doesn't get much cuter than this:

Puppy Christmas

Am STILL fighting my way out of a mega-flare, worst one I've had in years, so I'm probably not gonna get everything done that I would like to prior to Christmas. I know a lot of people say things like "I wish I could sleep all day!" But trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Got this from the "Fibromyalgia Funnies" Facebook page. I think I posted some of these before, but they are too hilarious not to re-run....

Mentally Unhealthy Holiday Songs

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and......

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy... oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate?... why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle ! Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Watch More Christian Videos on GodVine.com

Ran across this on But You Don't Look Sick. It's got some good ideas:

Tips for Writing Out Christmas Cards Easily

My mode of operation differs slightly. I keep all my mailing addresses on 3x5 cards in alphabetical order in a little box. That way, it's portable so I can take it to wherever I'm working on the cards (I don't have any portable electronics). If someone's address changes, I just write the new one on the card with a date, or make up a new card.

I do buy my stamps all at once. I buy 100 of those forever stamps, which last me about a year. I always get the self-adhesive kind (I hope they don't still make the ones you have to lick).

Because of my arthritis, I type up a generic holiday letter on the computer and print out as many copies as I need and then just sign the card with the letter enclosed. Yes, it's a bit impersonal, but if I need to add something, I just hand-write a sentence or two. With people whom I see regularly, I just do the card only.

I use address labels so I don't have to hand-write the return address. The cards are usually purchased after Christmas. If I have any left over from this year, I save them for next year.

For people whom I e-mail, I do e-cards if I'm in touch with them regularly. I haven't figured out what I'm sending yet; probably should get on that.

Current (although I think I've read a few of these before) funny stuff courtesy of Pete. Happy ho-ho-holidays!


The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please enjoy and understand the following:




1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.



2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.



3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.



4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?



5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.



6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.



7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?



8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?



9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?



10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?



11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 



12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?



13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?



15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 



16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?



17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?



18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?



19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?



20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?



21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?



22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.



23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?



24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?



25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?



26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?



27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?



28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?



29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?



30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?



31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?



32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 





33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?



34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

If you try hard enough, you can rationalize anything, heh heh. Food humor courtesy of Ducky and the 2002 archives....


HOLIDAY DIET TIPS

If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Another funny from 2002. Betcha I got it from Ducky originally....


CAT DREAMS -- 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me --

twelve toys from Macy's

eleven mice a running

ten balls of yarn all tangled

nine frogs a leaping

eight dogs on leashes

seven pounds of catnip

six cans of sardines

five litter pans

four strutting birds

three quarts milk

two chicken breasts

and a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

Got this link via a Facebook friend. Amazing story....

Man Rescues a Puppy From a 350 Foot Canyon

While I've never rappelled down a canyon to a trapped dog, I did once throw myself in front of another dog who was attacking mine (this German shepherd would have killed my English springer spaniel). I was bitten and thrown into a wall, but it was worth it because my dog, Freckles, survived unscathed. And Dan was even more heroic, defending Chip from a rattlesnake!

Ok, I know someone's going to be offended by this, but I thought it was funny.

Ran across this link on Facebook today. It's about another study of fibromyalgia and brain function:

Scans Reveal Brain Abnormalities in Fibromyalgia Patients

The most interesting thing about this study is that the more physically ill the patient was, the worse condition their brain was in. And while many fibromyalgia patients are depressed, their level of depression does NOT correlate to the brain damage found. This may be the first study in which there is proof that depression is SECONDARY to fibromyalgia instead of the other way around.

The logical follow-up to yesterday's rave. From the same Ducky e-mail dated 2002....


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere -- and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Got this link from a Facebook friend. I'm about the least crafty person in the world, but even I would try some of these:

25 clever ideas to make life easier

Slowly going about holiday prep, what little I do, anyway. The tree went up two weeks ago, the holiday letter is written but having trouble with the printer, presents for out-of-town nephews are wrapped but not yet mailed, working on a couple of secret projects, and saw holiday lights last night. Dan has the Thursday and Friday before Christmas off work (a miracle!), so we'll have a chance to watch movies and play the new board game, Logo, that I got him for his birthday.

Some general humor I found against the holiday treasures. I'm sure this is a repeat, but it's worth it! Thanks, Ducky!


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

9. School lunches stick to the wall.

10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Got this from a Facebook fibromyalgia page. There is some good advice here, particularly for those who are newly diagnosed and don't yet have a treating physician:

Tips For Finding a Doctor

My primary care doc left medical practice in September, and I still haven't lined up a replacement. The docs here tend to be old school, meaning they aren't always up on the latest medical info and not always open to alternative medicine. But I've gotta get off my tuckus and start making some calls because I'm running out of medication.

Anybody remember these from "Saturday Night Live" (keep watching; there's two clips)? I do! Thanks to Robert for the link:

TV Funhouse "Peanuts"

Haven't watched many holiday specials yet. Did see the sequel to "Prep and Landing" and bits of "Miracle on 34th Street" and "The Bishop's Wife". I recorded a Hallmark movie I particularly like called "A Dog Named Christmas" and will watch that soon. Also, I got a deluxe edition of "White Christmas" on DVD for my 15th wedding anniversary this week that I will view a little closer to the holiday.

I was just gonna come on here to post about this new TV show, but FibroTV beat me to it. So I'll just pass along the link for all to enjoy:

New Show "Rollin With Zach" Focuses on the ABILITIES of the Disabled and Overcoming Adversity

For those of us who use wheelchairs (I do, part time), travel is something much desired but also potentially a very stressful venture. I welcome a chance to see what in major cities is handicap-accessible and what cool things there are for the alternatively-mobile to do. You go, Zach!

Ducky strikes again! Office humor I found in the 2002 archives.....


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it  our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
 
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
 
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by  our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
 
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on  Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
 
**
 
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
 
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
 
**
 
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.
 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Just think of this as the ode to overeating. Comedy courtesy of the 2002 archives....


By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Happy Holidays!

'tis the season for some funny! Held back some goodies from the archives for the holidays. This one is dated 2002 and likely came from Ducky....


YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER WHEN

- You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

- Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

- You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

- You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

- You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

- You strike a match and light your nose.

- You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

- You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

- You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

- You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

- You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

- You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

- You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

- You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

- You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

- You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

- You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

- You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

- You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

- You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Got this from my friend Pete. It's about "gaslighting", or manipulating a person into thinking their response to a situation is inappropriate when it is in fact totally normal:

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

I have been treated this way by multiple doctors, both male and female. People in a position of power can be easily tempted to misuse it, and do. Unless the person doubting your sanity has a license in the psychiatric field or you have had a confirmed diagnosis in the past, don't buy into it.

Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got

Saw this on "Funny or Die" and could not resist sharing!

While it's for a serious cause, the plea is hilarious! Definitely not for the easily offended:

For those who have been complaining that the Occupy movement is disorganized and the protesters have no idea what they want, here are some suggestions:


The Winter of Our Occupation ...a proposal from Michael Moore

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

Friends,

And now it is winter. Wall Street rejoices, hoping that the change of seasons will mean a change in our spirit, our commitment to stop them.

They couldn't be more wrong. Have they not heard of Washington and the troops at Valley Forge? The Great Flint Sit-Down Strike in the winter of 1936-37? The Michigan Wolverines crushing Ohio State in the 1950 Blizzard Bowl? When it comes to winter, it is the time historically when the people persevere and the forces of evil make their retreat!

We are not even 12 weeks old, yet Occupy Wall Street has grown so fast, so big, none of us can keep up with the hundreds of towns who have joined the movement, or the thousands of actions -- some of them just simple ones in neighborhoods, schools and organizations -- that have happened. The national conversation has been irreversibly changed. Now everyone is talking about how the 1% are getting away with all the money while the 99% struggle to make ends meet. People are no longer paralyzed by despair or apathy. Most know that now is the time to reclaim our country from the bankers, the lobbyists -- and their gofers: the members of the United States Congress and the 50 state legislatures.

And they're crazy if they think that a little climate chaos (otherwise known as winter in the 21st century) that they've helped to bring about is going to stop us.

I would like to propose to my Occupying sisters and brothers that there are many ways to keep Occupy Wall Street going through the winter months. There is perhaps no better time to move the movement indoors for a few months -- and watch it grow even bigger! (For those who have the stamina to maintain the outdoor occupations, by all means, keep it up -- and the rest of us will do our best to help you and keep you warm!)

The winter gives us an amazing opportunity to expand our actions against the captains of capitalism who have occupied our homes with their fraudulent mortgage system which has tossed millions of families out onto the curb; a cruel health care system that has told 50 million Americans "if you can't afford a doctor, go F yourself"; a student loan system that sends 22-year-olds into an immediate "debtors' prison" of working lousy jobs for which they didn't go to school but now have to take because they're in hock for tens of thousands of dollars for the next two decades; and a jobs market that keeps 25 million Americans un- or under-employed -- and much of the rest of the workers forced to accept wage cuts, health care reductions and zero job security.

But we in the Occupy Movement reject this version of the "American Dream." Instead, I suggest we shift our focus for this winter to the following actions:
OCCUPY THE WINTER

A proposal to the General Assembly of Occupy Wall Street from Michael Moore

1. Occupy Our Homes. Sorry, banks, a roof over one's head is a human right, and you will no longer occupy our homes through foreclosure and eviction because well, you see, they are our homes, not yours. You may hold the mortgage; you don't hold the right to throw us or our neighbors out into the cold. With almost one in three home mortgages currently in foreclosure, nearing foreclosure or "underwater," the Occupy Movement must form local "Occupy Strike Forces" to create human shields when the banks come to throw people out of their homes. If the foreclosure has already happened, then we must help families move back into their foreclosed homes -- literally (see this clip from my last film to watch how a home re-occupation is accomplished). Beginning today, Take Back the Land, plus many other citizens' organizations nationwide, are kicking off Occupy Our Homes. Numerous actions throughout the day today have already resulted in many families physically taking back their homes. This will continue every day until the banks are forced to stop their fraudulent practices, until homeowners are allowed to change their mortgage so that it reflects the true value of their homes, and until those who can no longer afford a mortgage are allowed to stay in their homes and pay rent. I beseech the news media to cover these actions -- they are happening everywhere. Evictions, though rarely covered (you need a Kardashian in your home as you're being evicted to qualify for news coverage) are not a new story (see this scene I filmed in 1988). Also, please remember the words of Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur of Toledo (in 'Capitalism: A Love Story'): Do not leave your homes if the bank forecloses on you! Let them take you to court and then YOU ask the judge to make them produce a copy of your mortgage. They can't. It was chopped up a hundred different ways, bundled with a hundred other mortgages, and sold off to the Chinese. If they can't produce the mortgage, they can't evict you.

2. Occupy Your College. In nearly every other democracy on the planet, students go to college for free or almost free. Why do those countries do that? Because they know that for their society to advance, they must have an educated population. Without that, productivity, innovation and an informed electorate is stunted and everyone suffers as a result. Here's how we do it in the U.S.A.: make education one of our lowest priorities, graduate students who know little about the world or their own government or the economy, and then force them into crushing debt before they even have their first job. That way has really worked well for us, hasn't it? It's made us the world leader in … in … well, ok, we're like 27th or 34th in everything now (except war). This has to end. Students should spend this winter doing what they are already doing on dozens of campuses -- holding sit-ins, occupying the student loan office, nonviolently disrupting the university regents meetings, and pitching their tents on the administration's lawn. Young people -- we, the '60s generation, promised to create a better world for you. We got halfway there -- now you have to complete the job. Do not stop until these wars are ended, the Pentagon budget is cut in half, and the rich are forced to pay their taxes. And demand that that money go to your education. We'll be there with you on all of this! And when we get this fixed and you graduate, instead of being $40,000 in debt, go see the friggin' world, or tinker around in your garage a la the two Steves, or start a band. Enjoy life, discover, explore, experiment, find your way. Anything but the assistant manager at Taco Bell.

3. Occupy Your Job. Let's spend the winter organizing workplaces into unions. OR, if you already have a union, demand that your leaders get off their ass and get aggressive like our grandparents did. For chrissakes, surely you know we would not have a middle class if it weren't for the strikes of the 1930s-1950s?! In three weeks we will celebrate the 75th anniversary of the workers in my hometown of Flint, Michigan taking over and occupying the General Motors factories for 44 days in the dead of winter. Their actions ignited a labor movement that lifted tens of millions out of poverty and into the middle class. It's time to do it again. (According to the Census Bureau and the New York Times, 100 million Americans either live in or near poverty. Disgraceful. Greed has destroyed the core fabric of our communities. Enough!) Here are two good unions to get your fellow workers to sign up and join: UE and SEIU. The CWA are also good. Here's how to get a quick primer in organizing your place of employment (don't forget to be careful while you do this!). If your company is threatening to close down and move the jobs elsewhere, then it's time to occupy the workplace (again, you can get a lesson in how to successfully occupy your factory from my movie).

4. Occupy Your Bank. This is an easy one. Just leave them. Move your checking and your credit card to a nonprofit credit union. It's safe and the decisions made there aren't based on greed. And if a bank tries to evict your neighbor, Occupy the local branch with 20 other people and call the press. Post it on the internet.

5. Occupy the Insurance Man. It's time to not only stand up for the 50 million without health insurance but to also issue a single, simple demand: The elimination of for-profit, privately-controlled health insurance companies. It is nothing short of barbaric to allow businesses to make a profit off people when they get sick. We don't allow anyone to make a profit when we need the fire department or the police. Until recently we would never allow a company to make a profit by operating in a public school. The same should be true for when you need to see a doctor or stay in the hospital. So I say it's long overdue for us to go and Occupy Humana, United Health, Cigna and even the supposed "nonprofit" Blue Crosses. An action on their lawns, in their lobbies, or at the for-profit hospitals -- this is what is needed.

So -- there are my ideas for the five places we can Occupy this winter. Help the foreclosed-upon to Occupy their homes. Occupy your college campus, especially the student loan office and the regents meetings. Occupy your job by getting everyone to sign a union card -- or by refusing to let the CEO ship your job overseas. Occupy your Chase or Citi or Bank of America branch by closing your account and moving it to a credit union. And Occupy the insurance company offices, the pharmaceutical companies' headquarters and the for-profit hospitals until the White House and Congress pass the true single-payer universal health care bill they failed to pass in 2010.

My friends, the rich are running scared right now. You need no further proof of this than to read this story from last week. The Republicans' top strategist met privately with them and told them that they had better change their tune or they were going to be crushed by the Occupy Wall Street movement. They didn't have to change their greedy actions, he assured them -- just the way they talk and PR the situation. He told them never to use the word "capitalism" -- it has now been made a dirty word by the Occupy movement, he said. Only say "economic freedom" from now on, he cautioned. And don't criticize the movement -- because the majority of Americans either agree with it or are feeling the same way. Just tell the Occupiers and the distressed Americans: "I get it." Seriously.

Yes, in just 12 short weeks we have killed their most sacred word -- Capitalism -- and we have them on the run, on the defensive. They should be. Millions are coming after them and our only goal is to remove them from power and replace them with a fair system that is controlled by the 99%. The 1% have been able to get both political parties to do their bidding. Why should only 1% of the population get to have two parties -- and the rest of us have none? That, too, is going to change. In my next letter, I will suggest what we can do to Occupy the Electoral Process. But first we must start with those who pull the strings of the puppets in the Congress. That's why it's called Occupy Wall Street. Always better to deal with man in charge, don't you think?

Let's Occupy the Winter! An #OWS Winter will certainly lead to a very hopeful American Spring.

Yours,

Michael Moore