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Haven't posted any funny stuff in a long time. These are courtesy of Pete....


EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab."
 
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.       

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
 San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
 

"Big breaths,"  I instructed.


"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.



Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, 
Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'


Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. 

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
 

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, 
Norfolk, VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" 

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."



Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- 
Corvallis, OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" 

"It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," Bob replied.
 
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced 
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly'.



Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, 
Detroit


7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


Submitted by RN no name



AND FINALLY!! !

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. 

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. 

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" 

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!

Research on capsaicin as pain relief. Link courtesy of a Facebook friend.....

"Hot" substance in chili peppers key to killing pain

I have tried capsaicin cream in the past. It was effective, but my skin was too sensitive for me to use it long term. Am hoping this research provides alternatives to the topical treatment.

Ladies' Home Journal is now reporting about gluten-free products. Link courtesy of a Facebook friend....

Food Allergies: Dr. Lucy's Gluten-Free Expertise

I was quite surprised to read about a gluten-free Betty Crocker brownie! Not that I eat such things anymore, but it sounds delicious!

I went to a wedding yesterday with twin Russian grooms and twin Ukrainian brides. Dan works with one of the grooms. The ceremony, music and reception speeches were all in Russian with very little translation. It was fun, like being a tourist. It was in a rather large Baptist church.

The brides wore American-style gowns which were similar to each other but not 100 percent matching, so it was easier to remember who was who. They had two bridesmaids apiece who wore matching dark purple gowns with just a bit of bead work. They were all lovely. The moms and several female attendees wore scarves but otherwise modern dress. I wore a new blue dress with a white floral print that I had bought with a gift card I'd gotten for my birthday; unfortunately, it was too cold for a sleeveless dress, so I draped a new white scarf over my shoulders that was large enough to double as a shawl, and that helped a little.

The reception had meat and cheese at the tables separate from the breads, so I had some turkey and mozzarella. There were all kinds of sweets in a big basket; naturally, those were off-limits for me, but Dan had several, and a nice Russian lady at our table explained what each one was. They had dinner too. I had a few bites of roast beef, plain mashed potatoes, pickled cucumber, carrot and mushrooms, and fresh fruit. Also Perrier to drink and chocolate covered raisins for dessert. Dan did some of the salads, items that had gravy, and the dessert buffet.

The ceremony was two hours long, and I have no idea how long the reception lasted. I completely ran out of steam two hours into the reception, and they hadn't gotten around to cutting the cake yet and were still doing family photos and people were singing songs to the happy couples and making speeches in Russian. We had gotten to the church at 11:30am and reluctantly left the reception at 4pm.

I am rather wiped out. By the time we got home yesterday, my feet were quite swollen from long periods of standing during the ceremony. I crashed on the couch for a couple of hours yesterday and two more hours today after church. I will be quite surprised if I make to aquacise tomorrow.

Still fun, though.

I came across this link while browsing But You Don't Look Sick. It's lengthy, but worth reading in its entirety....

"I Have Always Depended On The Kindness Of Strangers"

I am incredibly outraged on this person's behalf, but unfortunately, not surprised. This was, after all, the same airline that LOST my wheelchair and left me stranded at the gate for three hours while my family tried to figure out where I was. And the airline who discontinued gluten free meals and stuck me with the world's rudest flight attendants during an eight-hour flight, leaving me with nothing to eat except a single-serving bag of Fritos.

I took the survey (link in post below this one), and they asked for comments about TV shows that were on the brink of being canceled that you liked. There were three on their list that I thought worth mentioning, and here's what I said:


"FlashForward" is innovative and a jigsaw puzzle I really enjoy seeing solved. The actors are excellent, and the question of how much control one has over one's fate is fascinating. ABC is going to need something like "FlashForward" for intelligent viewers to fill the void that will be left when "LOST" ends next month.

I was extremely disappointed that "FlashForward" was pulled off the air for four months because it lost its momentum. Same goes for "V".

I don't like gritty crime dramas. "Chuck" is a very entertaining departure from that and just plain fun. It's a geek's dream come true. Who better to save the world from bad guys than a computer tech? Please keep it on the air.

Here's your chance to vote for which programs you want the networks to renew for next season. The poll is for shows which, though they might be of good quality, are not the top ratings getters:

Send an SOS for 16 sitcoms and dramas 'on the bubble'

I have a long history of liking shows that end up canceled. I'm going to vote because I'm already bummed enough about the demise of "Ugly Betty" and my fave, "LOST", which is concluding next month. Maybe I can help save something for once, or at least let someone know that I'm watching.

I enjoyed my trip to Nebraska, where I encountered great weather and roads in fantastic condition (unlike South Dakota and Iowa). More importantly, I got to meet my adorable nephews, hang out with my sister and brother-in-law and learn a new game called Blokus. I could do without the side trip to Flareville, though.

Will post more details when I am capable of staying awake for more than a few hours at a time. If you follow this blog, you know that most of my flares last at least twice as long as the events that precipitated them (my week-long vacation in November produced a five-week flare). As I always say, though, earned pain is better than unearned.

It's that time of year - outdoor grilling and picnic season. Here are some guidelines for BBQ, beer and other gluten free goodies, courtesy of the Celiac.com newsletter.....

Gluten Free Spring Parties and Barbecues

One thing I've found you really have to be careful about is whether or not your food is being cooked on a grill alongside hamburger or hot dog buns. And if the cook doesn't grill the bread, you still have to watch that the burger patty isn't on a plate with it. Most of the time I've had home barbecue, the cook was careful about stuff like marinades, but sometimes they just forget about the sharing a platter part.

Most people after being diagnosed with celiac disease cut way back on restaurant dining, and with good reason. This article from the Celiac.com newsletter gives tips on how to order....

Take Charge of Your Meal When Eating Out

I went from eating in restaurants at least three times a week prior to diagnosis to maybe once a month now. Part of the reason is financial, because most of the food I know to be safe is to be found at the higher priced places as opposed to your typical fast food joint. The other reason is that I tend to stick to places with gluten free menus or where I have had confirmation of their food safety, of which there are very few in Sioux Falls, and Dan gets pretty bored just eating at either The Outback or Qdoba all the time.

Even if you've never seen "Glee" (I haven't), this is pretty doggone funny....

I will be offline Friday, April 9 (I'm going right to bed as soon as I finish this post) until Sunday, April 11 at the earliest. Am going to Nebraska to visit my sister, whom I haven't seen since she was 8 months pregnant with her oldest boy three years ago. Yep, I have two nephews I have never met, but that will change tomorrow afternoon. It will also be good to see my brother-in-law as he is about to be deployed to Iraq for a year.

The reason I haven't visited before now is that Dan's employer hadn't allowed any paid time off in a year (our trip in November cost him a week's pay). Finally, the boss relented and said he could have two weeks paid leave starting April 1st. Dan's only taking Friday off; we need to keep the visit short because my sister just returned to her job two months ago from maternity leave and doesn't have any time off built up yet. If I were healthy, we could just do this over a Saturday and Sunday, but even a short three and a half hour drive (each way) is gonna seriously knock me out, so I need at least one day in between to just visit and not travel.

As with all my ventures away from home, it may take me some time to get back to blogging as I usually have some sort of illness mega-flare afterward. The price I pay even for the fun stuff.

The following was posted in a newsletter by Jan Phillips, who will be doing a seminar at my church this month (but I will be at a wedding one of those days and so must miss it). According to her, the Dominican Sisters wrote this "based on a reframe of all the messages they received when they were growing up".


Young Woman, You Have a Right


Young woman, you have a right to love your body as a manifestation of the image of God.

Young woman, you have a right to speak in public to build a better society.

Young woman, you have a right to choose your future.

Young woman, you have a right to have friends and places where you can go to share your deepest feelings.

Young woman, you have a right to participate in politics to build a better government.

Young woman, you have a right to attain the highest level of education in any field you chose.

Young woman, you have a right to speak or preach and not shy away.

Young woman, you have a right to work in any position you are qualified for.

Young woman, you have a right to inherit possessions or properties from your parents.

Young woman, you have a right to believe in your own strength.

Young woman, you have a right to protect yourself.

Young woman, you have a right to marry or not and to choose your partner.

Young woman, you have a right to say no.

Young woman, you have a right to have your thoughts and feelings respected.

Young woman, you have a right to know that as you grow older you grow wiser.


Written by the Dominican Sisters of St. Catherine of Siena of Gusau

glitter-graphics.com

I was selected as Domestic Goddess of the Year by the International Society of Goddesses.


April Fool!

This link appeared in the Celiac.com article I posted yesterday. It is hoped that the drug being researched will prevent gluten intolerant responses in enough patients to be used as a preventative measure....

Promising breakthrough drug could help those with celiac disease

I did note, though, that as this is being studied in Canada, this might mean that even if it is approved in Canada, it might not be available in the U.S. or might be delayed several years. I hope this is not the case. The pending release date in Canada is expected to be 2012.

Here are some useful links and tips on celiac-friendly meals and treats for holiday get-togethers. Courtesy of Celiac.com....

Gluten Free Easter Candy and Eggs and Passover

I have kept my resolution of no desserts, so the candy is no longer an issue for me, but I found the turkey and ham links quite useful. I usually skip the specialty foods like the breads because I'm the only one that eats them (plus I don't need the extra carbs), but it's good to know there are options.

In the not-too-distant future, people with celiac disease may be get help in the form of medication to digest gluten. Courtesy of Celiac.com....

Encouraging New Celiac Disease Drug

While I still advocate a gluten free diet as the best defense, it WOULD be awesome to have a "backup" when eating in situations where one is not 100 percent certain the food is safe for them. I am going to a wedding next month, and I am already dreading missing out on the cake and having to sneak in a Boost in my purse.

An article that came out this month confirms research linking celiac disease and neurological problems. From the Celiac.com newsletter....

The Correlation Between Gluten Intolerance and Neurological Disease

The fact that long-standing untreated celiac disease can lead to PERMANENT neurological damage is all the more reason to test for it early and go gluten free ASAP. Wish I had.