Monday, January 31, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 31, 2011:
Thank goodness I had to attend very few meetings when I was able to work. Otherwise, I might be tempted to try these "helpful" suggestions courtesy of the 2003 archives....
TOP TEN WAYS TO LIVEN UP AN OFFICE MEETING
1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), mutter sarcastically to yourself.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B. -- " (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
TOP TEN WAYS TO LIVEN UP AN OFFICE MEETING
1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), mutter sarcastically to yourself.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B. -- " (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
Inspiration for the Day, January 31, 2011:
Prayer for Letting Go
"Living Christ, I'm in over my head. This situation is getting beyond me. Take over; take over all the way. Fill this room, this place, and all of us who are in it with your empowered presence. I give all of this to you. I thank you that you are here and that your light and love are enfolding us at this very moment. In your name, in your word, in your power. Amen."
- Flora Slosson Wuellner
"Living Christ, I'm in over my head. This situation is getting beyond me. Take over; take over all the way. Fill this room, this place, and all of us who are in it with your empowered presence. I give all of this to you. I thank you that you are here and that your light and love are enfolding us at this very moment. In your name, in your word, in your power. Amen."
- Flora Slosson Wuellner
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 30, 2011:
There's metaphor, and then there's stuff that leaves you chortling and/or scratching your head. The 2003 archives strike again....
It's a wonder anyone graduates from high school.
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
It's a wonder anyone graduates from high school.
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Inspiration for the Day, January 30, 2011:
"Gracious God, who loves us like a mother, whose realm is blooming among us now and within us now,
We pray that your compassion guide us in every action.
Give us what we need for each day,
And help us to be satisfied with the miracle of that alone.
Forgiver, whose embrace brings us to wholeness without our asking, may we reconcile ourselves to one another in humility.
And may we cancel the crushing debts that imprison our neighbors so that communities of joy and health may flourish.
May we neither profit from nor ignore evil,
But ever work to thwart it with nonviolence,
As we co-create the realm of peace in this world.
Now and each day. Amen."
- adapted by Bret Hesla
We pray that your compassion guide us in every action.
Give us what we need for each day,
And help us to be satisfied with the miracle of that alone.
Forgiver, whose embrace brings us to wholeness without our asking, may we reconcile ourselves to one another in humility.
And may we cancel the crushing debts that imprison our neighbors so that communities of joy and health may flourish.
May we neither profit from nor ignore evil,
But ever work to thwart it with nonviolence,
As we co-create the realm of peace in this world.
Now and each day. Amen."
- adapted by Bret Hesla
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 29, 2011:
There is quite a bit of job-related humor in the 2003 archives, probably because I was still employed back then. Nevertheless, funny is funny.....
Workplace Definitions:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM-s: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
DINKS - dual income no kids
DINKWADS- Dual income no kids with a dog
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. So is Survivor or Fear Factor.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American/Canadian landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
Workplace Definitions:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM-s: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
DINKS - dual income no kids
DINKWADS- Dual income no kids with a dog
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. So is Survivor or Fear Factor.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American/Canadian landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
Inspiration for the Day, January 29, 2011:
"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers."
- Charles W. Eliot
- Charles W. Eliot
Friday, January 28, 2011
What to do about the flu....
This was in the latest edition of the "Hummingbird's Guide" newsletter. There are some good ideas here:
Managing colds and flu and M.E.
While I don't necessarily practice all that is mentioned in this article, I was advised by my doctor AGAINST getting flu shots because of my extreme sensitivity to them. I recommend using a neti pot daily, and twice a day when ill to speed up recovery. And the part about rest is absolutely essential, not that anyone with M.E. is up to doing anything else when they have a cold or flu.
Managing colds and flu and M.E.
While I don't necessarily practice all that is mentioned in this article, I was advised by my doctor AGAINST getting flu shots because of my extreme sensitivity to them. I recommend using a neti pot daily, and twice a day when ill to speed up recovery. And the part about rest is absolutely essential, not that anyone with M.E. is up to doing anything else when they have a cold or flu.
Perhaps a new treatment for migraines?
People with chronic migraine may eventually get an alternative to pills and shots. Link courtesy of Stacy....
Zelrix Sumatriptan Anti-Migraine Patch Going to FDA for Review
This delivery system could be promising because pills aren't very effective for a disorder that can be accompanied by vomiting. Too bad I am allergic to adhesives. But it might workable for others with migraines and gastroparesis, or migraine sufferers in general.
Zelrix Sumatriptan Anti-Migraine Patch Going to FDA for Review
This delivery system could be promising because pills aren't very effective for a disorder that can be accompanied by vomiting. Too bad I am allergic to adhesives. But it might workable for others with migraines and gastroparesis, or migraine sufferers in general.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The poetry of CFIDS/ME....
My latest review for But You Don't Look Sick has been published! It is an article about a book of poems:
Book Review: "Pathogenesis" by Peggy Munson
Even though I have been contributing articles to the site for the past six years, it was a matter of whomever volunteered was published. But the site has grown so popular that the number of volunteers was overwhelming, so an application for the position of staff writer was devised. I was actually very nervous about applying because having been on disability since 2005, I was out of practice. I was scared I might not be published on the site anymore; even though this is not a paying gig, it is what I do to feel useful (and 20,000 people read the articles). The above review was what I submitted for a writing sample. I am relieved and pleased that I have apparently passed the test. Now I just have to be able to come up with an original article every month.
Book Review: "Pathogenesis" by Peggy Munson
Even though I have been contributing articles to the site for the past six years, it was a matter of whomever volunteered was published. But the site has grown so popular that the number of volunteers was overwhelming, so an application for the position of staff writer was devised. I was actually very nervous about applying because having been on disability since 2005, I was out of practice. I was scared I might not be published on the site anymore; even though this is not a paying gig, it is what I do to feel useful (and 20,000 people read the articles). The above review was what I submitted for a writing sample. I am relieved and pleased that I have apparently passed the test. Now I just have to be able to come up with an original article every month.
Rave of the Day for January 26, 2011:
This goes out to all my friends and relatives with small children. Thanks again to the 2003 archives....
Cooking with a 3yr. old
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell child "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from child. Explain to child that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING: Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know child had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put child in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for child having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie child to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Cooking with a 3yr. old
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell child "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from child. Explain to child that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING: Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know child had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put child in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for child having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie child to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Inspiration for the Day, January 26, 2011:
"The most wasted of all days is that during which one has not laughed."
- Nicolas Chamfort
- Nicolas Chamfort
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 25, 2011:
Single and hate when well-meaning folks try to fix you up with someone? Here are some "solutions" courtesy of the ever-"helpful" 2003 archives....
More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid of Blind Dates (and other social catastrophes)
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Whistle your S's. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements. i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Use a bullhorn. Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid of Blind Dates (and other social catastrophes)
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Whistle your S's. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements. i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Use a bullhorn. Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Inspiration for the Day, January 25, 2011:
Prayer of Joy
"God of joy, thank you for the gift of a good laugh.
Like music and love, it speaks all languages and has a healing power all its own.
Help us to remember there is nothing life-giving about being gloomy.
Let our belief in you and our trust in your care be so complete that our joy will be the sure sign of your presence in this world that needs you so much. Amen."
- Pat Corrick Hinton
"God of joy, thank you for the gift of a good laugh.
Like music and love, it speaks all languages and has a healing power all its own.
Help us to remember there is nothing life-giving about being gloomy.
Let our belief in you and our trust in your care be so complete that our joy will be the sure sign of your presence in this world that needs you so much. Amen."
- Pat Corrick Hinton
What an excellent idea!
Courtesy of the latest edition of the Celiac.com newsletter. What do you do when you are celiac but can't afford safe foods?
Teen Supplies Gluten-free Food to Folks in Need
There is a disproportionate amount of the population in South Dakota below the poverty line, and many people must rely upon donated food. Canned veggies, fruit and cheese are fairly easy to come by at food pantries and are generally safe for celiacs, but soups and any sort of grain product at a pantry usually contain gluten. Specialty products are quite expensive, but they can go a long way toward celiacs being able to make well-rounded meals along with the fruit, veggies and cheese.
Teen Supplies Gluten-free Food to Folks in Need
There is a disproportionate amount of the population in South Dakota below the poverty line, and many people must rely upon donated food. Canned veggies, fruit and cheese are fairly easy to come by at food pantries and are generally safe for celiacs, but soups and any sort of grain product at a pantry usually contain gluten. Specialty products are quite expensive, but they can go a long way toward celiacs being able to make well-rounded meals along with the fruit, veggies and cheese.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 24, 2011:
A plethora of funny stuff, originally courtesy of Ducky. These were naturally lolling about in the 2003 archives....
German Lesson #7
Dog: Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-mechanikerwerker
Mechanic's Union: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-mechanikerwerkerfeatherbedden- gefixengruppe
Doctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper
Hypodermic Needle: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker- helperhurtensticker
Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker- helperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz
Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-spinnenseat
Piano Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozen-gruppenuppenwakers
Automobile: Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline: Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver: Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer
Repair Bill: Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some Unfortunate Translations
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly in leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," his wife replied.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
KITCHEN SIGNS
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home -- Get OVER it!!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service. If there's no answer -- do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day -- Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of housekeeping -- lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house -- but please don't write in it!
15. Apology -- Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Dull women have immaculate houses.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chicken Goes To The Library
A chicken goes into a library and says, "Bok," so the librarian gives it a book. Ten minutes later the same chicken comes in again and says, "Bok bok." The librarian gives the chicken two books, but being a bit curious, follows the chicken down the road where the chicken meets a frog. The frog says to the chicken, "Redit, redit!"
German Lesson #7
Dog: Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-mechanikerwerker
Mechanic's Union: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-mechanikerwerkerfeatherbedden- gefixengruppe
Doctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper
Hypodermic Needle: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker- helperhurtensticker
Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker- helperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz
Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-spinnenseat
Piano Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozen-gruppenuppenwakers
Automobile: Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline: Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver: Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer
Repair Bill: Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some Unfortunate Translations
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly in leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," his wife replied.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
KITCHEN SIGNS
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home -- Get OVER it!!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service. If there's no answer -- do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day -- Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of housekeeping -- lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house -- but please don't write in it!
15. Apology -- Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Dull women have immaculate houses.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chicken Goes To The Library
A chicken goes into a library and says, "Bok," so the librarian gives it a book. Ten minutes later the same chicken comes in again and says, "Bok bok." The librarian gives the chicken two books, but being a bit curious, follows the chicken down the road where the chicken meets a frog. The frog says to the chicken, "Redit, redit!"
Inspiration for the Day, January 24, 2011:
“Anyone can give up; it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
- Unknown
- Unknown
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 23, 2011:
Dedicated to underlings everywhere. From the ever-present 2003 archives....
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Inspiration for the Day, January 23, 2011:
Don't know the origin of this, but it was part of the blessing at my church last week....
Nurture your beliefs; for they become thoughts.
Tend to your thoughts; for they become words.
Guard your words; for they become actions.
Watch your actions; for they become habits.
Be mindful of your habits; for they become values.
Be intentional about your values; for they become your destiny.
Nurture your beliefs; for they become thoughts.
Tend to your thoughts; for they become words.
Guard your words; for they become actions.
Watch your actions; for they become habits.
Be mindful of your habits; for they become values.
Be intentional about your values; for they become your destiny.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
What a pain in the....back!
SI joint problems are more common than I thought. Came across this very informative article on it via a chronic pain Facebook page:
Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SI Joint Pain)
As some of you know, I injured my right SI joint at age 19 and have had periodic problems with it ever since. Naturally, the problems grew much worse as I developed a compressed disc in my lower back, arthritis and fibromyalgia, and now it's a chronic issue. I have tried injections, physical therapy, osteopathic manipulation, all of which I had to discontinue in 2006 due to insurance issues, and now I mainly treat it with stretching I was taught in PT and FitBall exercises my chiropractor taught me.
Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SI Joint Pain)
As some of you know, I injured my right SI joint at age 19 and have had periodic problems with it ever since. Naturally, the problems grew much worse as I developed a compressed disc in my lower back, arthritis and fibromyalgia, and now it's a chronic issue. I have tried injections, physical therapy, osteopathic manipulation, all of which I had to discontinue in 2006 due to insurance issues, and now I mainly treat it with stretching I was taught in PT and FitBall exercises my chiropractor taught me.
Rave of the Day for January 22, 2011:
Found this in my 2003 archives. It came from one of my Fibrohugs friends, but I no longer remember which one....
13 Rules to Live By
Sometimes we just need to remember what the 13 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
- If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
- If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are,
- "I apologize" and
- "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles;
- Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?
- How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! Thank God You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it, or anything else, with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; Some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here... even our kids.
12. Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
13. If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now.
13 Rules to Live By
Sometimes we just need to remember what the 13 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
- If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
- If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are,
- "I apologize" and
- "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles;
- Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?
- How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! Thank God You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it, or anything else, with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; Some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here... even our kids.
12. Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
13. If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now.
Inspiration for the Day, January 22, 2011:
"We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us."
- President Barack Obama
- President Barack Obama
Friday, January 21, 2011
Rave for the Day for January 21, 2011:
Surprisingly, not all of this has changed since I first received it in 2003. And it still cracks me up....
Computers in Movies:
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display inch-high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
Computers in Movies:
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display inch-high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
Inspiration for the Day, January 21, 2011:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
- Dr. Suess
- Dr. Suess
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Un-restricting my restricted diet....
My new gastroenterologist referred me to a dietitian, with whom I met on Thursday of last week. After eight years on a low fiber diet for gastroparesis, my intestines are no longer doing their job (sorry if that's too much information). Since high fiber is out of the question, I now must try transitioning to "medium" fiber, about the amount someone preschool age should eat. I have been experiencing mixed feelings ranging from being cranky about having to change my diet yet again, to nervous that the results might make me sick, to pleased that I might be able to have a few foods I had been missing.I will be eating a little more of some of the veggies I already eat, like canned spinach and asparagus. I'll be adding very small amounts of fruits like berries and apples (we're talking just a few bites). I will "upgrade" my usual organic low fat plain yogurt to Greek yogurt. I will try adding back small amounts of foods I miss like baby carrots, hummus and cucumber. I will continue as usual with foods like brown rice, popcorn, teff tortillas, buckwheat cereal, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, crust-less sugar free pumpkin pie and small amounts of beans.
This will be VERY tricky and will take months to perfect. I am nauseous every day of my life from the gastroparesis, and too much fiber will cause me to not be able to keep anything down. Too much fruit will throw my glucose levels off and mess with my diabetes. Stuff like flax seed and nuts are healthy, but my reflux goes crazy if I have more than a tiny amount. And obviously I have to stay gluten free.
So I have to add only one new food at a time and wait a few weeks before switching to another new food. That way, if I aggravate one of my other ailments I might have some clue as to what to blame. Some foods I may have to limit to once a week, like I do with uncooked tomatoes.
I was told to start by logging the amount of fiber I already consume on a daily basis. I am on day six of this and must say that the totals are fairly erratic, especially since I never before monitored my fiber intake and have no idea what's in what I eat. I've been too busy paying attention to the amounts of fat, carbohydrates and protein in everything (as if those weren't enough to strain my brain!). Some foods, like fresh mushrooms, red bell pepper and fresh tomatoes, are not on the fiber handout I was given, so I'm gonna need to get a more comprehensive list somewhere online.
The average adult is supposed to eat 30 grams of fiber a day, which I now understand is quite a lot. My intake since I have started monitoring has been as low as nine grams, and I already eat more fiber than most people with gastroparesis. But I am to gradually get up to at least 15 grams per day, tricky since my stomach will only let me digest so much food per meal.
I was definitely in the cranky phase earlier tonight. It takes about two weeks of adherence to any new lifestyle change before it becomes a habit, and those two weeks can be very frustrating. My biggest complaint is the extra energy required to prepare more food than I am accustomed to eating, energy I don't really have.
My other complaint is that my body, with all its various ailments, is not gonna give me easy-to-interpret feedback as to the success or failure of this new venture. For example, I was fairly nauseous last night, but I have no idea if this was because I had a migraine or the fact I had an apple with skin at dinner, or perhaps both. And it just now occurs to me that I should probably be doing more glucose tests since I am eating more food.
I think my head may explode. But is that from the new diet or the migraine? Probably both.
I go through this every time I have to mess with my food intake. In a few weeks I will probably wonder what all the fuss was about. But for now I will have to force myself to stop rolling my eyes because it's making my head hurt worse, heh heh.
Rave of the Day for January 20, 2011:
It's raining cats and dogs! Or quotes about them, anyway. From, you guessed it, the 2003 archives....
Cat Proverbs
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
--Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
--Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
--Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
--English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another."
--Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
--Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
--Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
--Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
--Colette
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Famous Dog Quotes
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
- Gene Hill
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
Cat Proverbs
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
--Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
--Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
--Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
--English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another."
--Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
--Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
--Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
--Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
--Colette
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Famous Dog Quotes
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
- Gene Hill
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
Inspiration for the Day, January 20, 2011:
"Some beliefs are like walled gardens. They encourage exclusiveness, and the feeling of being especially privileged.
Other beliefs are expansive and lead the way into wider and deeper sympathies.
Some beliefs are like shadows, clouding children's days with fears of unknown calamities.
Other beliefs are like sunshine, blessing children with the warmth of happiness.
Some beliefs are divisive, separating the saved from the unsaved, friends from enemies.
Other beliefs are bonds in a world community where sincere differences beautify the pattern.
Some beliefs are like blinders, shutting off the power to choose one's own direction.
Other beliefs are like gateways opening wide vistas for exploration.
Some beliefs weaken a person's selfhood. They blight the growth of resourcefulness.
Other beliefs nurture self-confidence and enrich the feeling of personal worth.
Some beliefs are rigid, like the body of death, impotent in a changing world.
Other beliefs are pliable, like the young sapling, reach and growing towards the light."
- Sophia Lyons Fahs
Other beliefs are expansive and lead the way into wider and deeper sympathies.
Some beliefs are like shadows, clouding children's days with fears of unknown calamities.
Other beliefs are like sunshine, blessing children with the warmth of happiness.
Some beliefs are divisive, separating the saved from the unsaved, friends from enemies.
Other beliefs are bonds in a world community where sincere differences beautify the pattern.
Some beliefs are like blinders, shutting off the power to choose one's own direction.
Other beliefs are like gateways opening wide vistas for exploration.
Some beliefs weaken a person's selfhood. They blight the growth of resourcefulness.
Other beliefs nurture self-confidence and enrich the feeling of personal worth.
Some beliefs are rigid, like the body of death, impotent in a changing world.
Other beliefs are pliable, like the young sapling, reach and growing towards the light."
- Sophia Lyons Fahs
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sitting pretty....
Came across this on a fibromyalgia Facebook page, but it has useful advice for everybody. If you must sit for any length of time, the following will help prevent or cut down on the incidence of repetitive motion injury/carpal tunnel, trigger points, headaches, etc.
Proper Posture & Ergonomic Tips
I found out the hard way what happens when you spend 36 hours a week sitting in a chair that's too high, holding the mouse in a death grip, hunched over a monitor that's too low, craning the neck to the side to transcribe ad copy. I developed repetitive motion syndrome that started in my wrists and spread down to my hands and all the way up to my shoulders. My current home computer setup is ergonomic, and while I am not free of problems due to Sjogren's and fibromyalgia, it is a considerable improvement over having to spend my days and nights in wrist splints.
Proper Posture & Ergonomic Tips
I found out the hard way what happens when you spend 36 hours a week sitting in a chair that's too high, holding the mouse in a death grip, hunched over a monitor that's too low, craning the neck to the side to transcribe ad copy. I developed repetitive motion syndrome that started in my wrists and spread down to my hands and all the way up to my shoulders. My current home computer setup is ergonomic, and while I am not free of problems due to Sjogren's and fibromyalgia, it is a considerable improvement over having to spend my days and nights in wrist splints.
Rave of the Day for January 19, 2011:
This is two, two jokes in one post. Originally from my Aunt Mary, I found it in the 2003 archives....
2 funnies
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
2 funnies
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
Inspiration for the Day, January 19, 2011:
"Just because a man lacks the use of his eyes doesn't mean he lacks vision."
- Stevie Wonder
- Stevie Wonder
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 18, 2011:
I wish I could remember who originally sent this to me because it's tooooo funny! From the infamous 2003 archives....
Pressed Leaf In A Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he flipped through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Pressed Leaf In A Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he flipped through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Inspiration for the Day, January 18, 2011:
"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Meade
- Margaret Meade
Research demonstrates that GET and CBT can actually be HARMFUL....
A companion to the "treatments that don't work" article. From the same site:
Health-Related Quality of Life in Patients with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: Group Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Graded Exercise Versus Usual Treatment. A Randomised Controlled Trial with 1 Year of Follow-Up
Perhaps I should print this out and show it to certain local doctors who claim intense cardiovascular exercise will cure me? Not that they would un-bury their heads from the sands long enough to read it.
Health-Related Quality of Life in Patients with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: Group Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Graded Exercise Versus Usual Treatment. A Randomised Controlled Trial with 1 Year of Follow-Up
Perhaps I should print this out and show it to certain local doctors who claim intense cardiovascular exercise will cure me? Not that they would un-bury their heads from the sands long enough to read it.
Some CFIDS mythbusting....
Got this from Facebook. Some will probably dispute the analysis here, but I have no argument with it:
CFS - Treatments Which Are Not Worth Trying
None of the therapies in this article that I have tried produced significant positive results for me. The only one I still do is exercise, but it is at a much lower intensity than my doctors have recommended, and it has taken me THREE YEARS to go from five minutes on the Gazelle glider to a consistent 25 minutes. I have been ill for 14 years and still cannot tolerate raising my heart rate above 90 beats per minute.
CFS - Treatments Which Are Not Worth Trying
None of the therapies in this article that I have tried produced significant positive results for me. The only one I still do is exercise, but it is at a much lower intensity than my doctors have recommended, and it has taken me THREE YEARS to go from five minutes on the Gazelle glider to a consistent 25 minutes. I have been ill for 14 years and still cannot tolerate raising my heart rate above 90 beats per minute.
A big reason why celiac disease is under-diagnosed....
This is from the latest celiac.com newsletter. Apparently sero-negative celiac disease is much more common than previously thought:
Blood Testing for Celiac Disease Isn't Very Accurate
If you are highly symptomatic despite a normal result on blood work, consider further testing and/or a trial gluten-free diet. I am very glad I did.
Blood Testing for Celiac Disease Isn't Very Accurate
If you are highly symptomatic despite a normal result on blood work, consider further testing and/or a trial gluten-free diet. I am very glad I did.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Inspiration for the Day, January 17, 2011:
"Our hope for creative living in this world house that we have inherited lies in our ability to reestablish the moral ends of our lives in personal character and social justice. Without this spiritual and moral reawakening we shall destroy ourselves in the misuse of our own instruments."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rave of the Day for January 16, 2011:
I'm pretty sure I would fail these "tests", heh heh. From the ubiquitous 2003 archives....
Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Inspiration for the Day, January 16, 2011:
The Central Question
"The central question...in life itself is 'What is God?' This question has baffled humankind for eons, and it will continue to defy logical understanding so long as we live with the concept that there is Heaven up above, and that God sits there judging all of humanity, punishing those who misbehave. Eminent people throughout history have tried to find logical answers to this vexing question with little success. His Holiness Gautama, The Buddha, one among many . . . ultimately found that God exists within every human heart in the form of love, compassion, understanding and all positive attributes that human kind is capable of but often chooses to suppress. Perhaps, instead of espousing exclusively rational images of God, we would best serve God and one another more faithfully by remaining open to the mystery that transcends our understanding . . .
"I recall the wisdom that my grandfather imparted to us when I was living with him as a young teenager. He said all human beings can only hope toward understanding God and to aspire to reach 'salvation', which he defined as living a life of compassionate service, sacrifice and satisfaction. He believed the greatest religion was to ensure that we 'wipe the tears from every eye and bring hope and decency to every life wherever they may be.'
"It is important that this service be performed with utmost humility. There are many ways to serve humanity, and so there are many ways to salvation. We must have the magnanimity and the humility to accept and to recognize the many ways to God realization.
"I am convinced that at the very root of the spiritual problems we face today is the intense competitiveness which we have injected into religion. Each of us believes our religion is the best and that it is incumbent upon us to save the world by converting everyone to our way of worship.
"If we persist in pursuing competition, instead of working in unity to pursue the Truth, we are going to face untold grief and, worse, violence.
"When asked what he thought of the meaning of God, grandfather said: 'There is an indefinable mysterious Power that pervades everything. I feel it, though I do not see it. It is this unseen Power which makes itself felt and yet defies all proof, because it is so beyond all that we perceive through our physical senses. This unseen Power transcends our rationality and our senses. While we certainly do experience God’s existence, our attempts to reason it out intellectually will always prove to be a humbling and limited exercise.'"
-Arun Gandhi (grandson of Mahatma Gandhi). From the forward of the book "God Without Religion"
"The central question...in life itself is 'What is God?' This question has baffled humankind for eons, and it will continue to defy logical understanding so long as we live with the concept that there is Heaven up above, and that God sits there judging all of humanity, punishing those who misbehave. Eminent people throughout history have tried to find logical answers to this vexing question with little success. His Holiness Gautama, The Buddha, one among many . . . ultimately found that God exists within every human heart in the form of love, compassion, understanding and all positive attributes that human kind is capable of but often chooses to suppress. Perhaps, instead of espousing exclusively rational images of God, we would best serve God and one another more faithfully by remaining open to the mystery that transcends our understanding . . .
"I recall the wisdom that my grandfather imparted to us when I was living with him as a young teenager. He said all human beings can only hope toward understanding God and to aspire to reach 'salvation', which he defined as living a life of compassionate service, sacrifice and satisfaction. He believed the greatest religion was to ensure that we 'wipe the tears from every eye and bring hope and decency to every life wherever they may be.'
"It is important that this service be performed with utmost humility. There are many ways to serve humanity, and so there are many ways to salvation. We must have the magnanimity and the humility to accept and to recognize the many ways to God realization.
"I am convinced that at the very root of the spiritual problems we face today is the intense competitiveness which we have injected into religion. Each of us believes our religion is the best and that it is incumbent upon us to save the world by converting everyone to our way of worship.
"If we persist in pursuing competition, instead of working in unity to pursue the Truth, we are going to face untold grief and, worse, violence.
"When asked what he thought of the meaning of God, grandfather said: 'There is an indefinable mysterious Power that pervades everything. I feel it, though I do not see it. It is this unseen Power which makes itself felt and yet defies all proof, because it is so beyond all that we perceive through our physical senses. This unseen Power transcends our rationality and our senses. While we certainly do experience God’s existence, our attempts to reason it out intellectually will always prove to be a humbling and limited exercise.'"
-Arun Gandhi (grandson of Mahatma Gandhi). From the forward of the book "God Without Religion"
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 15, 2011:
I've seen variations of some of these elsewhere, but as long as they still contain a giggle factor, they're worth posting. Would you be surprised to learn I found them in the 2003 archives?
Don't Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever: so far, so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist: he doesn't expect to be repaid.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria: they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse: it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous.
50. Always try to be modest and proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Don't Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever: so far, so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist: he doesn't expect to be repaid.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria: they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse: it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous.
50. Always try to be modest and proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Rollin' in the (gluten free) dough....
Restaurants stand to gain financially from accommodating celiacs. Link courtesy of a fibormyalgia Facebook page:
Show me the the Gluten-Free Money
I don't know if most restaurants realize that when a large group dines out, they often choose a location where they are confident that everyone can eat safely. Advertising that gluten free options are available can attract people who might have otherwise passed your restaurant by.
Show me the the Gluten-Free Money
I don't know if most restaurants realize that when a large group dines out, they often choose a location where they are confident that everyone can eat safely. Advertising that gluten free options are available can attract people who might have otherwise passed your restaurant by.
Inspiration for the Day, January 15, 2011:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie
- Melody Beattie
Friday, January 14, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 14, 2011:
Wanna let someone down easy? Just choose from one of these handy excuses from the 2003 humor archives....
101 Easy Ways to Say No
I'd love to, but --
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The President said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
You know how we psychos are.
My favorite commercial is on TV.
I have to study for a blood test.
I'm going to be old someday.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My palm reader advised against it.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I'm trying to cut down.
-- well, maybe.
101 Easy Ways to Say No
I'd love to, but --
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The President said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
You know how we psychos are.
My favorite commercial is on TV.
I have to study for a blood test.
I'm going to be old someday.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My palm reader advised against it.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I'm trying to cut down.
-- well, maybe.
Inspiration for the Day, January 14, 2011:
"All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives."
~ Dalai Lama
~ Dalai Lama
Emotional wellness is possible....
Got this link from my trusty fibromyalgia Facebook page. It may not be easy, but you CAN cope with fibromyalgia:
Feeling Good About Yourself When You Have Fibromyalgia
Life does go on. You do have a certain amount of choice as to whether that life is a miserable or a happy one.
Feeling Good About Yourself When You Have Fibromyalgia
Life does go on. You do have a certain amount of choice as to whether that life is a miserable or a happy one.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 13, 2011:
A humorous hodgepodge from the 2003 archives. Lots of poetic license taken here, heh heh....
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
-- Author unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spam Haikus
For those who don't recall, a Haiku is "an unrhymed Japanese lyric poem having a fixed three-line form consisting of 5, 7, and 5 syllables respectively." (from the American Heritage Dictionary)
Now, on to the SPAM.
1.
Blue can of steel
What promise do you hold?
Salt flesh so ripe
2.
Can of metal, slick
Soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt
3.
Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aah, my poultice
4.
Silent, former pig
One communal awareness
Myriad pink bricks
5.
Clad in metal, proud
No mere salt-curing for you
You are not bacon
6.
And who dares mock Spam?
You? you? you are not worthy
Of one rich pink fleck
7.
Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate
8.
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan
9.
Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?
10.
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door
11.
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the heck is it?
12.
Ears, snouts and innards
A homogeneous mass
Pass another slice
13.
Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty
14.
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin
15.
Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss -
Maybe catching cats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
-- Author unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spam Haikus
For those who don't recall, a Haiku is "an unrhymed Japanese lyric poem having a fixed three-line form consisting of 5, 7, and 5 syllables respectively." (from the American Heritage Dictionary)
Now, on to the SPAM.
1.
Blue can of steel
What promise do you hold?
Salt flesh so ripe
2.
Can of metal, slick
Soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt
3.
Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aah, my poultice
4.
Silent, former pig
One communal awareness
Myriad pink bricks
5.
Clad in metal, proud
No mere salt-curing for you
You are not bacon
6.
And who dares mock Spam?
You? you? you are not worthy
Of one rich pink fleck
7.
Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate
8.
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan
9.
Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?
10.
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door
11.
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the heck is it?
12.
Ears, snouts and innards
A homogeneous mass
Pass another slice
13.
Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty
14.
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin
15.
Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss -
Maybe catching cats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Inspiration for the Day, January 13, 2011:
I cannot recall if I posted this before. If so, it's still worth a repeat...
Written by the Dominican Sisters of St. Catherine of Siena of Gusau
Young Woman, You Have a Right
Young woman, you have a right to love your body as a manifestation of the image of God.
Young woman, you have a right to speak in public to build a better society.
Young woman, you have a right to choose your future.
Young woman, you have a right to have friends and places where you can go to share your deepest feelings.
Young woman, you have a right to participate in politics to build a better government.
Young woman, you have a right to attain the highest level of education in any field you chose.
Young woman, you have a right to speak or preach and not shy away.
Young woman, you have a right to work in any position you are qualified for.
Young woman, you have a right to inherit possessions or properties from your parents.
Young woman, you have a right to believe in your own strength.
Young woman, you have a right to protect yourself.
Young woman, you have a right to marry or not and to choose your partner.
Young woman, you have a right to say no.
Young woman, you have a right to have your thoughts and feelings respected.
Young woman, you have a right to know that as you grow older you grow wiser.
Written by the Dominican Sisters of St. Catherine of Siena of Gusau
Young Woman, You Have a Right
Young woman, you have a right to love your body as a manifestation of the image of God.
Young woman, you have a right to speak in public to build a better society.
Young woman, you have a right to choose your future.
Young woman, you have a right to have friends and places where you can go to share your deepest feelings.
Young woman, you have a right to participate in politics to build a better government.
Young woman, you have a right to attain the highest level of education in any field you chose.
Young woman, you have a right to speak or preach and not shy away.
Young woman, you have a right to work in any position you are qualified for.
Young woman, you have a right to inherit possessions or properties from your parents.
Young woman, you have a right to believe in your own strength.
Young woman, you have a right to protect yourself.
Young woman, you have a right to marry or not and to choose your partner.
Young woman, you have a right to say no.
Young woman, you have a right to have your thoughts and feelings respected.
Young woman, you have a right to know that as you grow older you grow wiser.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 12, 2011:
Maybe a tad raunchy, but oh so funny! Courtesy of the seemingly endless 2003 archives....
TOP SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN FOR YOUR B-DAY PARTY!!
Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King".
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
TOP SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN FOR YOUR B-DAY PARTY!!
Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King".
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
Inspiration for the Day, January 12, 2011:
Some people asked a Sufi master, "Which is better, courage or generosity?"
The Sufi master replied, "Those who are generous have no need for courage."
- from Sadi's "Gulistan", 1256
The Sufi master replied, "Those who are generous have no need for courage."
- from Sadi's "Gulistan", 1256
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 11, 2011:
One from the 2003 archives that I'm pretty sure I haven't posted anywhere else. And since it parodies Shakespeare, how outdated could it possibly be?
The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was "The Hokey Pokey" as written by Shakespeare.
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
Mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the Poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
by William Shakespeare
The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was "The Hokey Pokey" as written by Shakespeare.
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
Mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the Poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
by William Shakespeare
Inspiration for the Day, January 11, 2011:
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
So a DJ is a type of therapist?
Saw this in my local newspaper and just had to share. It confirms something I've known for many years: that listening to my CDs or a radio show really is good for me:
Music on the Brain
I can see the day when, instead of anti-depressants, doctors begin prescribing iTunes gift cards, heh heh. Okay, maybe not, but I find the thought most pleasant.
Music on the Brain
I can see the day when, instead of anti-depressants, doctors begin prescribing iTunes gift cards, heh heh. Okay, maybe not, but I find the thought most pleasant.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
What do Little House on the Prairie and Syria have in common? Cheese!
Some friends from water therapy want to go to lunch a week from tomorrow. I'm the one with the severely restricted diet, so they asked me to look around a bit online and see if I could find a local place where I could safely eat. I hit the jackpot when I went to the site for Sanaa's, a Mediterranean restaurant. Not only does it have a gluten free menu, there is a blog with recipes, anecdotes and all kinds of interesting goodies. Here's a sample:
The History of Cheese Making
Now, I'm not sure some of my friends would be into Mediterranean food, but even if we end up going somewhere else, I hope I can maybe go for my birthday or something. Too bad my budget is so limited, or I'd go by myself and try everything on that gluten free menu. Not all at once, naturally, but over the course of several visits.
The History of Cheese Making
Now, I'm not sure some of my friends would be into Mediterranean food, but even if we end up going somewhere else, I hope I can maybe go for my birthday or something. Too bad my budget is so limited, or I'd go by myself and try everything on that gluten free menu. Not all at once, naturally, but over the course of several visits.
Rave of the Day for January 9, 2011:
This is almost too outdated to post, but I'll add it just in case in case anyone is nostalgic for 2003, heh heh. At any rate, you'll get the general idea.....
Before Computers
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
You Cut with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
Before Computers
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
You Cut with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
Inspiration for the Day, January 9, 2011:
"This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whomever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond."
- Guest House, by Rumi
- Guest House, by Rumi
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 8, 2011:
For those of you lucky enough to be employed, next time someone asks what you actually DO all day, show them this! Funny courtesy of the world-famous 2003 archives, heh heh....
Time Sheets
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation
• 5316 Useless Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
• 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
• 5319 Waiting for Break
• 5320 Waiting for Lunch
• 5321 Waiting for End of Day
• 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
• 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
• 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
• 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
• 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
• 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
• 5481 Buying Snack
• 5482 Eating Snack
• 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
• 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
• 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
• 5503 Scratching Yourself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5510 Feeling Bored
• 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
• 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
• 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
• 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
• 5604 Complaining About Boss
• 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
• 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
• 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
• 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
• 6102 Ordering Out
• 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
• 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
• 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
• 6201 Stealing Company Goods
• 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
• 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
• 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
• 6205 Hiding from Boss
• 6206 Gossip
• 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
• 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
• 6211 Updating Resume
• 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
• 6213 Out of Office on Interview
• 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
• 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
• 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
• 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
• 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
• 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
• 6611 Staring Into Space
• 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
• 6615 Transcendental Meditation
• 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least ten minutes)
• 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
• 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
• 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
• 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
• 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
• 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
• 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
• 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
• 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
• 8000 Recreational Drug Use
• 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
• 8002 Liquid Lunch
• 8100 Reading e-mail
Time Sheets
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation
• 5316 Useless Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
• 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
• 5319 Waiting for Break
• 5320 Waiting for Lunch
• 5321 Waiting for End of Day
• 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
• 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
• 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
• 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
• 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
• 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
• 5481 Buying Snack
• 5482 Eating Snack
• 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
• 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
• 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
• 5503 Scratching Yourself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5510 Feeling Bored
• 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
• 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
• 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
• 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
• 5604 Complaining About Boss
• 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
• 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
• 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
• 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
• 6102 Ordering Out
• 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
• 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
• 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
• 6201 Stealing Company Goods
• 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
• 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
• 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
• 6205 Hiding from Boss
• 6206 Gossip
• 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
• 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
• 6211 Updating Resume
• 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
• 6213 Out of Office on Interview
• 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
• 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
• 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
• 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
• 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
• 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
• 6611 Staring Into Space
• 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
• 6615 Transcendental Meditation
• 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least ten minutes)
• 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
• 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
• 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
• 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
• 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
• 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
• 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
• 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
• 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
• 8000 Recreational Drug Use
• 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
• 8002 Liquid Lunch
• 8100 Reading e-mail
Inspiration for the Day, January 8, 2011:
"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."
- Joseph Campbell
- Joseph Campbell
Unraveling the mystery of trigger points....
Another article courtesy of the fibromyalgia Facebook page. This one addresses a study about trigger points:
Biochemical Basis of Myofascial Pain Syndrome
I have had chronic myofascial pain far longer than fibromyalgia. I experienced my first trigger points at age 13. Too bad it took until 2002 to discover this and begin to treat them.
Biochemical Basis of Myofascial Pain Syndrome
I have had chronic myofascial pain far longer than fibromyalgia. I experienced my first trigger points at age 13. Too bad it took until 2002 to discover this and begin to treat them.
More fibromyalgia "best of"....
Another list of helpful and interesting sites. Got the link from a fibromyalgia Facebook page:
Best Fibromyalgia Blogs and Websites
I don't know how one would categorize this blog. It is pretty much all over the place. Much like the blogger, heh heh.
Best Fibromyalgia Blogs and Websites
I don't know how one would categorize this blog. It is pretty much all over the place. Much like the blogger, heh heh.
You don't have to shout!
Interesting article about hyperacusis. From a fibromyalgia Facebook page.
What's Behind Noise Sensitivity in Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?
I had never heard before that hyperacusis might be associated with tinnitus. Would make perfect sense in my case as I have tinnitus so severe that it interferes with my hearing. It's the higher-pitched noises that really do me in, like kid's voices, fire alarms, toy whistles, etc.
What's Behind Noise Sensitivity in Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?
I had never heard before that hyperacusis might be associated with tinnitus. Would make perfect sense in my case as I have tinnitus so severe that it interferes with my hearing. It's the higher-pitched noises that really do me in, like kid's voices, fire alarms, toy whistles, etc.
Therapy that hits all the right notes....
Got this link from a fibromyalgia Facebook page. I find it particularly thought-provoking.
Fibromyalgia: Hope for "Music Therapy"
As an ex-DJ, I can't imagine not having music in my life. It truly helps me cope. It also masks the horrible tinnitus in my good ear.
Fibromyalgia: Hope for "Music Therapy"
As an ex-DJ, I can't imagine not having music in my life. It truly helps me cope. It also masks the horrible tinnitus in my good ear.
When your brain goes "tilt"....
One thing many healthy people don't understand is how easily people with CFIDS/fibromyalgia are overwhelmed by competing sensory stimuli. Here is an article about it courtesy of this month's CFIDS newsletter:
Sensory Overload: Sources and Strategies
I become very fatigued and brain fogged very fast when I am in an environment where there are several loud conversations going on at once, especially accompanied by high-pitched noises from electronics or children. Sometimes it takes me multiple days to recover from an experience like this.
Sensory Overload: Sources and Strategies
I become very fatigued and brain fogged very fast when I am in an environment where there are several loud conversations going on at once, especially accompanied by high-pitched noises from electronics or children. Sometimes it takes me multiple days to recover from an experience like this.
The fine art of pill juggling....
Another helpful article from this month's CFIDS newsletter. This one addresses how to handle prescription drugs for CFIDS/fibromyalgia:
Managing Your Medications
I unfortunately am an old pro at trying and failing medications. I think I once tallied it up, and there were at least 42! The usual reason for stopping a medication was side effects ranging from vomiting to body-wide muscle spasms to paranoia to just about anything undesirable you can think of.
Managing Your Medications
I unfortunately am an old pro at trying and failing medications. I think I once tallied it up, and there were at least 42! The usual reason for stopping a medication was side effects ranging from vomiting to body-wide muscle spasms to paranoia to just about anything undesirable you can think of.
There are times when more is not merrier....
Got this link from the latest CFIDS newsletter. Finally, acknowledgment that many with chronic illness in fact have concurrent ailments:
HHS issues new strategic framework on multiple chronic conditions
I am glad someone is looking into this. When you have nine doctors (I used to) and 13 daily medications (I still do), it is really easy to end up in situations where one specialist doesn't understand how a disease outside their field of study affects the ailment they're treating you for and/or for prescriptions to be written for meds that contraindicate something you're already taking. Yes, it is as complicated as it sounds.
HHS issues new strategic framework on multiple chronic conditions
I am glad someone is looking into this. When you have nine doctors (I used to) and 13 daily medications (I still do), it is really easy to end up in situations where one specialist doesn't understand how a disease outside their field of study affects the ailment they're treating you for and/or for prescriptions to be written for meds that contraindicate something you're already taking. Yes, it is as complicated as it sounds.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 7, 2011:
More 2003 humor about obsessive online habits. You can tell how old it is due to its dial up reference, but that's a minor quibble, especially in the days of Facebook where you can spend hours doing virtual farming, egg hunting or Mob bossing, heh heh.
Are You An Internet Addict?
Hello.
Yes, you.
You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online.
You, bleary eyed.
You, an addict.
Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Been outside?
Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction.
At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions.
Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem.
Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential.
The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today.
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
Are You An Internet Addict?
Hello.
Yes, you.
You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online.
You, bleary eyed.
You, an addict.
Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Been outside?
Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction.
At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions.
Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem.
Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential.
The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today.
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
Inspiration for the Day, January 7, 2011:
"I've decided that I'm going to do battle for my philosophy. You ought to believe something in life, believe that thing so fervently that you will stand up with it till the end of your days. I can't make myself believe that God wants me to hate. I'm tired of violence. And I'm not going to let my oppressor dictate to me what method I must use. We have a power, power that can't be found in Molotov cocktails, but we do have a power. Power that cannot be found in bullets and guns, but we have a power. It is a power as old as the insights of Jesus of Nazareth and as modern as the techniques of Mahatma Gandhi."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Rave of the Day for Janurary 6, 2011:
Yayyy! More funny, slightly outdated lists from 2003!
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker:
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker:
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Inspiration for the Day, January 6, 2011:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Buddha ~
~ Buddha ~
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
My daily motto!
Got this from the Fibrotalk website's humor forum. I liked it so much that I made it my Facebook profile pic!
Another resource....
To be honest, I can't remember if I posted this site before. If so, please enjoy the repeat:
Fibrotalk Online Support Community
I spent some time poking around the forums and found them worthwhile. There's even a section for those times we just want some distraction.
Fibrotalk Online Support Community
I spent some time poking around the forums and found them worthwhile. There's even a section for those times we just want some distraction.
New (to me) resource....
Got this from a fibromyalgia Facebook page. It looks potentially useful. I will spend some time poking around and see what I can learn:
Fibromyalgia Healing Place
I do wish I still had my fibromyalgia website so I could list new finds like this. At some point, I intend to post info I managed to salvage onto this blog. Can't promise a timetable, though, because I am pretty much inundated with projects I thought I would have completed by now.
Fibromyalgia Healing Place
I do wish I still had my fibromyalgia website so I could list new finds like this. At some point, I intend to post info I managed to salvage onto this blog. Can't promise a timetable, though, because I am pretty much inundated with projects I thought I would have completed by now.
Rave of the Day for January 5, 2011:
This funny from the 2003 archives is beginning to show its age because it refers to using dial up. But aside from that, most of this applies to Facebook, smart phones or any other way you use the internet....
25 Ways to Know You've Been Online Too Long
1. Technical Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke & you say LOL out loud.
3. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
4. You've to get a 2nd phone line so you can call Pizza Hut.
5. You don't know where the time has gone. (ain't that the truth)
6. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
7. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
8. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
9. You find yourself lying to others about your time online.
10. You'd rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth - online all night.
11. Your dog leaves you. Your spouse threatens to...
12. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
13. You have a map on the wall with lots of red pins to mark where people are you have met.
14. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
15. You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. (doesn't everyone?)
16. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you've your first cup of coffee. (well, what else do you do while you wait on the coffee?)
17. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
18. You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
19. You stop typing whole words and use things like brb, dunno and :-)
20. You type faster than you think.
21. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
22. You dream in "text". (with graphics)
23. You double click your TV remote.
24. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail.
25. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail". (who has time to cook?)
25 Ways to Know You've Been Online Too Long
1. Technical Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke & you say LOL out loud.
3. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
4. You've to get a 2nd phone line so you can call Pizza Hut.
5. You don't know where the time has gone. (ain't that the truth)
6. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
7. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
8. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
9. You find yourself lying to others about your time online.
10. You'd rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth - online all night.
11. Your dog leaves you. Your spouse threatens to...
12. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
13. You have a map on the wall with lots of red pins to mark where people are you have met.
14. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
15. You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. (doesn't everyone?)
16. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you've your first cup of coffee. (well, what else do you do while you wait on the coffee?)
17. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
18. You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
19. You stop typing whole words and use things like brb, dunno and :-)
20. You type faster than you think.
21. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
22. You dream in "text". (with graphics)
23. You double click your TV remote.
24. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail.
25. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail". (who has time to cook?)
Inspiration for the Day, January 5, 2011:
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Rave of the Day for January 4, 2011:
Another possibly outdated but still funny item from the 2003 archives. Here in South Dakota, where you can buy booze at the corner pharmacy, it might not be so remarkable, but I still find the notion of getting liquored up at Wally World amusing....
15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The right name is important."
The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCAbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
and the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The right name is important."
The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCAbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
and the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
Inspiration for the Day, January 4, 2011:
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- Prashanth Saralaya
- Prashanth Saralaya
Do you suppose Tolkien is rolling over in his grave?
Can't decide if this is scary or funny. Perhaps both....
Too adorable not to share!
Yes, I know the holidays are officially over, but I just can't resist sneaking in one more item. Link courtesy of a Facebook friend:
Penguin Celebrating the Holidays
Now THAT'S what I call a happy dance! Made me wanna boogie myself.
Penguin Celebrating the Holidays
Now THAT'S what I call a happy dance! Made me wanna boogie myself.
