browser life

For my final regular entry from the 2002 archives, a special treat: a shout out to my home state. Those of you from other states, please pardon the inside jokes....


YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF:

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

You thought "Californication" would be banned by Amendment 2.

You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to Buena Vista.

You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.

You have a fat tire in your refrigerator and your garage.

You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home from work and he stops at the day care.

You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.

You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting.

You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city.

All summer you thought a redneck named "Bubby" was gonna be your quarterback.

You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.

You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.

Your SUV tire size exceeds your IQ.

Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You personally wouldn't pay $10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on earth, but you tell all our house-guests to do it.

You can recite the entire Bible from memory, but can't remember to use your turn signal (CO Springs).

You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.

You wear the latest fashions a year after they went out of style.

You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.

You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there.

You think gun control is not dropping it.

You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.

You've ever stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

"The moral test of a society is how that society treats those who are in the dawn of life . . . the children; those who are in the twilight of life . . . the elderly; and those who are in the shadows of life . . . the sick, the needy, and the handicapped."

---Hubert Humphrey

Believe it or not, I am nearly at the end of my retrieved archives from 2002 and 2003 except for a few that are holiday themed. I do, however, have quite a few that I saved directly from e-mail during the past five years or so and will be raiding those soon. In the meantime, more pup funnies!


THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER

* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

* I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

* I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

"Each one has to find its peace from within. And peace, to be real, must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

~ Mahatma Gandhi

More fun with signs! This is an oldie but goody from the 2002 archives:


Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

"If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy wtihin your heart, then in living I have made my mark."

- Thomas L. Odem Jr.

I received this gem from Ducky in 2002. I hope my three-year-old nephews don't get any similar ideas, heh heh....


Things a 3 year old taught me:

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

If you use a water bed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

No matter how much Jello you put in a bath tub you still can't walk on water.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

"To the extent that our experience of suffering reminds us of what everyone else also endures, it serves as a powerful inspiration to practice compassion and avoid causing others pain. And to the extent that suffering awakens our empathy and causes us to connect with others, it serves as the basis of compassion and love."

- the Dalai Lama

This has been floating around for even longer than the year I have listed for it, which is 2002. But it is still laugh-until-you-snort funny....


These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing Associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

"The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion."

- Thomas Paine

Got a heads up on this story through the CFIDS newsletter and this link through my fibromyalgia Facebook page. Could it be that people with CFIDS will at last have measurable proof of their ailment?

UMDNJ researchers discover Chronic Fatigue Syndrome proteins in spinal fluid

When I had a spinal tap done in 1998, abnormal proteins were found. Whether they were consistent with the ones seen in the study I do not know.

These funnies were all in one e-mail. Courtesy of the now-dwindling 2002 archives....


How to Have Fun With Telemarketers

NOTICE: All suggestions have been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died -- "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up -- louder -- louder --

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

How to Clean a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The female Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, "Liver alone -- cheese mine."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex".

Duct tape won't fix that.

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the side burn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?

"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want."

- Oscar Wilde

Another goody from the 2002 archives. The trick these days, though, is actually getting a LIVE person on the phone, heh heh....


Things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

"You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer and understand, for all that is life."

- Jiddu Krishnamurti

One more article from today's Celiac.com newsletter. Even though this just states what most of us already know, confirmation might not be such a bad thing....

Study Shows Gluten Intolerance Without Celiac Disease

One thing I'd like to add is that there is a VERY high incidence of irritable bowel syndrome among people with fibromyalgia. Given the results of this study, a trial gluten-free diets for such individuals might be worthwhile. It certainly couldn't hurt.

A thought-provoking article from the latest edition of the Celiac.com newsletter. Are we closer to the sandwich of our dreams?

Eliminating the Celiac Disease-triggering properties of Alpha-Gliadin Peptides in wheat

To be perfectly honest, I have been gluten-free long enough to not really be interested in going back to wheat. But I have to admit it would be handy in social situations. I wonder, though, if a product without the triggering peptides would be as expensive as the current gluten-free specialty foods?

This comes from the latest Celiac.com newsletter. Apparently, there are more reports questioning whether is it ever wise for a non-celiac to go gluten free:

Ron Hoggan's Response to Montreal Gazette Article: "Is gluten really something most people should avoid?"

I have already mentioned elsewhere that my healthy husband eats my gluten-free cooking without any problems. Would it be too extreme to compare the anti-gluten-free people to members of the NRA? You know, "I'll give up wheat when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."? Okay, maybe not, but I find the analogy amusing.

I belong to a Facebook group for people with gastroparesis, and their newsletter contained a link to this blog. I have not seen one like it anywhere else:

Living (Well!) With Gastroparesis

It occurs to me that this information may not just be handy for those with the ailment, but might also be useful for those who must be on a liquid or easy-to-digest diet for other reasons. I count myself fortunate that I am still able to eat solid food two or three meals out of four each day.

Outdated? Yes. Funny? Of course. Source? Why the 2002 archives, naturally.


WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.

5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.

9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.

11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question!

14. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

15. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")

16. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

17. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand....

18. Barking in the next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

19. SmellU-SmellME still in beta test.

20. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

21. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup alt.picture.master's.leg.

22. Butt-sniffing more direct & less deceiving than online chat rooms.

"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do."

- Bob Dylan

I have no idea where this originally came from other that it's in my 2002 archives. But it always makes me smile....

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me s---!"

"The difference between the right word and the wrong word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug."

- Mark Twain

Got this link from Ken. I don't think you actually have to be over 50 to try these recipes, heh heh:

50 Plus Cookbook - Crockery Pot Cooking

There are some good ideas in here. Some are naturally gluten free, and others could be easily converted. I like to make barbecue turkey in the crock pot with bell pepper and onion.

Here's something you might not have seen for awhile - a blonde joke! Courtesy of the out-of-date but still amusing 2002 archives....


A blonde shopping saw something she was not familiar with, so she asked the salesperson, "what is this?".
"That is a thermos bottle."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps cold things cold, and hot things hot."
"Cool. I'll buy it".
The next day she took it to work, and her blonde co-worker asked,"What's that?"
"It's called a thermos bottle. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Hey, neat. What do you have in it?"
"Two popcicles and a cup of coffee."

"The human mind is like an umbrella - it functions best when open."

- Walter Gropius

Got this today from Michael Moore's newsletter. Feel free to pass it on:


Join My High School Newspaper ...a note to students from Michael Moore

Friday, February 18th, 2011

Dear High School Students:

How inspired are you by the thousands of students from Wisconsin high schools who began walking out of class four days ago and have now occupied the State Capitol building and its grounds in Madison, demanding that the governor stop his assault on teachers and other government workers? I have to say it's one of the most exciting things I've seen in years.

We are, right now, living in an amazing moment of history. And this moment has happened because the youth around the world have decided they've had enough. Young people are in revolt -- and it's about time.

You, the students and young adults, from Cairo, Egypt to Madison, Wisconsin, are now rising up, taking to the streets, organizing, protesting and refusing to move until your voices are heard. Effing amazing!! It has scared the pants off those in power, the adults who were so convinced they had done a heckuva job trying to dumb you down and distract you with useless nonsense so that you'd end up feeling powerless, just another cog in the wheel, another brick in the wall. You've been fed a lot of propaganda about "how the system works" and so many lies about what took place in history that I'm amazed you've been able to sort through all the bs and see the truth for what it is. This was all done in the hopes you would just keep your mouths shut, get in line and follow orders. And don't rock the boat. Because if you do, you could end up without a good job! You could end up looking like a freak! You've been told politics isn't cool and that one person really can't make a difference.

And for some beautiful, unknown reason, you've refused to listen. Maybe it's because you've figured out that we adults are about to hand you a very empty and increasingly miserable world, with its melting polar ice caps, its low-paying jobs, its incessant war machine, and its plan to put you in permanent debt at age 18 with the racket known as college loans.

On top of that, you've had to listen to adults tell you that you may not be able to legally marry the person you love, that your uterus isn't really yours to control, and that if a black guy somehow makes it into the White House, he must've entered illegally from Kenya.

Yet, from what I've seen, the vast majority of you have rejected all of this crap. Never forget that it was you, the young people, who made Barack Obama president. First you formed his army of election volunteers to get him the nomination. Then you came out in record numbers in November of 2008. Did you know that the only age group where Obama won the white vote was with 18-29-year-olds? The majority of every white age group over 29 years old voted for McCain -- and yet Obama still won! How'd that happen? Because there were so many youth voters of all races -- a record turnout that overcame the vast numbers of fearful white adults who simply couldn't see someone whose middle name was Hussein in the Oval Office. Thank you young voters for making that happen!

Young people elsewhere in the world, most notably in the Middle East, have taken to the streets and overthrown dictatorial governments without firing a shot. Their courage has inspired others to take a stand. There's a huge momentum right now, a youth-backed mojo that can't and won't be stopped.

Although I've long since left your age group, I've been so inspired by recent events that I'd like to do my bit and lend a hand. I've decided to turn over a part of my website to high school students so they -- you -- can have the opportunity to get the word out to millions more people. For a long time I've wondered, how come we don't hear the true voices of teenagers in our mainstream media? Why is your voice any less valid than an adult's?

In high schools all across America, students have great ideas to make things better or to question what is going on -- and often these thoughts and opinions are ignored or silenced. How often in school is the will of the student body ignored? How many students today will try to speak out, to stand up for something important, to simply try to right a wrong -- and will be swiftly shut down by those in authority, or by other students themselves?

I've seen students over the years attempt to participate in the democratic process only to be told that high schools aren't democracies and that they have no rights (even though the Supreme Court has said that a student doesn't give up his or her rights "when they enter the schoolhouse door").

It's always amazed me how adults preach to young people about what a great "democracy" we have, but when students seek to be part of it, they are reminded that they are not full citizens yet and must behave somehow as indentured servants. Is it any wonder then why some students, when they become adults, don't feel like participating in our political system -- because they've been taught by example for the past 12 years that they have no say in the decisions that affect them?

We like to say that we have this great "free press," and yet how free are high school newspapers? How free are you to write or blog about what you want? I've been sent stories from teenagers that they couldn't get published at school. Why not? Why must we silence or keep out of sight the voice of our teenagers?

It's not that way in other countries. The voting age in places like Austria, Brazil or Nicaragua is 16. In France, students can shut down the country by simply walking out of school and taking to the streets.

But here in the U.S. you're told to obey and to basically butt out and let the adults run the show.

Let's change that! I'm starting something on my site called, "HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER." Here you will be able to write what you want and I will publish it. I will also post those articles that you've tried to get published at your school but were turned down. On my site you will have freedom and an open forum and a chance to have your voice heard by millions.

I've asked my 17-year-old niece, Molly, to kick things off by editing this page for the first six months. She will ask you to send her your stories and ideas and the best ones will be posted on MichaelMoore.com. I'll give you the platform you deserve. It will be my honor to have you on my site and I encourage you to take advantage of it.

You are often called "our future." That future is today, right here, right now. You've already proven you can change the world. Keep doing it. And I'd be honored to help you.

Yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

It's only logical that if I posted rules for dogs yesterday, I should follow up with cats today. Courtesy of the 2002 archives....


BASIC RULES FOR CATS

1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

2. CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better. ~ For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth. ~ For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms or use a quick nip on the ankle. ~ When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there. ~ Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": ~ When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. ~ For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. ~ For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you, ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on the human's bed between 2 and 4 AM. Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

"God, lover of us all, most holy one,
Help us to respond to you,
To create what you want for us here on earth.
Give us today enough for our needs.
Forgive our weak and deliberate offences, just as we must forgive others when they hurt us.
Help us to resist evil and to do what is good.
For we are yours, endowed with your power to make our world whole.
Amen."

- adapted by L. Winkley

This video was played at our church last weekend. It starts slowly and builds to an amazing finish. Courtesy of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir:

More pup humor, this one from the 2002 archives. I thought it was quite cute....


BASIC RULES FOR DOGS:

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark --- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark --

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry -- Eat a shoe.

The following appeared in my church bulletin:


Where did the phrase separation of church and state come from?

Often when someone speaks of the constitutionally guaranteed right to religion, they also speak of "the wall of separation between church and state," or simply "the separation of church and state."

One of the founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, is directly responsible for giving us this phrase. In his 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association, then-President Jefferson used the phrase, "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his god, [the people, in the 1st Amendment,] declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state."


Are there references to God in the Constitution?

The word "God" does not appear within the text of the Constitution of the United States. After spending three and a half months debating and negotiating about what should go into the document that would govern the land, the framers drafted a constitution that is secular.


What about the Declaration of Independence?

The Declaration of Independence is seen as that document that established the new nation of the United States. It was written by Thomas Jefferson in 1776. It was signed by the Continental Congress and sent to King George III of England. It is celebrated every July 4, but it is not the law of the land. It is a statement of sentiments directed to King George III in reaction to unfair taxation.

The Declaration of Independence refers to "the Laws of Nature," "Nature's God," and "the Creator."

The Declaration of Independence is not a legal document; it is not the U.S. Constitution. It was written to announce the separation of the thirteen colonies from England. Foes of the principle of separation of church and state often refer to the word "Creator" in the Declaration of Independence as proof that the framers of the U.S. Constitution intended for the United States to be ruled by a sovereign being. Some fundamentalists refer to the Declaration of Independence as organic law.


The Declaration of Independence - July 4, 1776
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...."

Constitution of the United States - September 15, 1787
Preamble
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Amendment 1 - December 15, 1791
Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Amendment 14 - July 9, 1868
Section 1 of 4
Citizenship Rights
"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of laws."

Okay, so the name won't get any points for creativity, but it IS truth in advertising, heh heh. Courtesy of that frequently-mentioned fibromyalgia Facebook page:

Fibro Blog

I am putting this on my Links list. There are lots of personal stories here (see the one below about "The Golden Boy") and useful articles. Be sure to check out the one about avoiding scam "cures" and the one about getting a good night's sleep.

While you might not hear much about it, men can and DO get fibromyalgia. I found this blog entry particularly striking. Courtesy of that ever-so-handy fibromyalgia Facebook page:

My Fibro Story: "The Golden Boy" by Ben Ryan

I wonder if it is more difficult for a man than a woman? Men are conditioned to be tough and not admit pain, but women often stretch themselves way too thin because they think they need to be all things to all people. I guess neither scenario is ideal.

Most descriptions of those with fibromyalgia or CFIDS are middle-aged or older. But it can happen to children, too, as this article points out. Courtesy of a fibromyalgia Facebook page:

Who is Sarah? A CFS Story

While it is depressing to think of being so sick before getting to experience much of life, the good news is that younger patients tend to respond better to treatment. The trick is getting diagnosed as quickly as possible so that treatment can begin.

Went to see the new pain management specialist, and my first reaction was RELIEF! The doc was nice, intuitive and smart. I have gotten incredibly defensive and paranoid about seeing new doctors after some of the awful experiences I've had (several of them in Sioux Falls, unfortunately). With fibromyalgia and sero-negative Sjogren's, I've gotten used to having to prove to every new MD that I really do have both, and that I really am too sick to be able to work. But I handed this doc my considerable list of problems, and instead of challenging it or patting me on the head telling me that I look great (which happens a lot), she said that it definitely fit the profile of someone with severe fibromyalgia, CMP and autoimmune arthritis. It is rare to find to find MDs that know much about chronic myofascial pain; she explained to me that my trigger points are part of the reason I have so much trouble with exercise.

I had a brief physical exam where she checked strength and range of motion in my limbs and in my back. I thought I did pretty well except when she touched my right foot and I yelped. But she was very concerned with my trapezius muscles, which are hard as rock. She pointed out that they are pulling the spine out of alignment & aggravating the fibromyalgia.

She did suggest looking into taking Savella, an anti-depressant of the SNRI variety, since that's pretty much the only pain medication I hadn't tried. But I expressed concern about potential side effects, and she conceded that, due to my experience with permanent damage from serotonin-altering medication, it might not be worth the risk to me. I am just too sensitive to anything that crosses the brain/blood barrier. So we are going to skip the medication route, which is more than okay by me.

What we ARE going to do, though, is intensive mysofascial therapy including ultrasound and trigger point injections on the trapezius muscles. I will go to a physical therapist three times a week for four weeks starting on Tuesday. And I will go back to her to report on my progress on March 8.

What was even more cool was that she was impressed by, rather than dismissive of, the knowledge I have of my ailments. She encouraged me to continue what I am already doing to stay healthy like water therapy, spinal stabilization exercises, chiropractic, etc. It was refreshing to not be chewed out for not exercising harder.

She was realistic and honest, which I prefer because I can handle the truth. She said that while there is no way to cure me, it is definitely possible to prevent my getting any worse. The goal is to diminish the sources of pain enough for me to become more active. That would be awesome!

I have done PT many times. I was doing pretty well in my last sessions in 2006 for rehab of my lower back (old permanent injury of right SI joint and a compressed disc). Unfortunately, my husband had to change jobs, and his new employer only offered insurance that wouldn't cover ANY of the treatments, and I had to discontinue it abruptly. But I kept doing strengthening exercises at home, and I still do them.

I am willing to do the PT, ultrasound, injections, etc. as long as the insurance will cover them. I wish money wasn't an issue, but it is. I don't mind pain so much if I know that eventually I will obtain some mobility or other long-lasting benefit from it. What really gets me is how exhausting three times a week is. But I will do it no matter what.

Ran across this blog via a fibromyalgia Facebook page. I will be adding this to the Links list as well:

Seeking Equilibrium

I noticed while reading this blog that the author was recently dumped by her long-term disability insurance company. It just made my blood boil. Bad enough that the same thing happened to me, but I just hate how frequently people with fibromyalgia are dismissed as malingerers.

At last, some NEW material! Funny courtesy of Nina, one of my Facebook friends....


Jehovah's Witness Joke

There was a knock on the door.
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said, "Come in and sit down. What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know," he said. "I've never gotten this far before."

"God, who cares for us,
The wonder of whose presence fills us with awe,
Let kindness, justice, and love shine in our world.
Let your secrets be known here as they are in heaven.
Give us the food and the hope we need for today.
Forgive us our wrongdoing as we forgive the wrongs done to us.
Protest us from pride and from despair and from the fear and hate which can swallow us up.
In you is truth, meaning, glory, and power, while worlds come and go. Amen."

- adapted by M. Furlong

FINALLY finished putting together what I think the pain specialist needs to know. At the risk of over-sharing, here is the reality of my situation:

Primary complaint: Pain severe enough to compromise sleep, cognitive function, energy level, ability to work, and overall activity level. On a scale of 1-10, the lowest level is a 7 with average level about an 8 and occasionally experiencing 9 or 10. This pain has been ongoing for 14 years.

Types of Pain: 1. Muscle pain/spasm, can be sharp during spasm but usually more sore, can occur in any muscle or whole areas of the body, some areas like mid-back (trapezius, teres major and minor) and neck (scalene) are chronic. Extremely prone to trigger points, but some soreness occurs independently of them. Tension headaches, which feel like my scalp is having a giant spasm, occur every few weeks or so, sometimes flaring up for multiple days in a row. Chronic foot and lower leg muscle pain caused by nightly twitching.
2. Joint pain, occurs with use but also during rest. Pain in all major joints except elbows and shoulders. This is helped by Meloxicam.
3. Tendon/connective area pain, some of these are tender points that do not necessarily hurt unless pressed or overused. Some areas, like hips and low back, are severe and chronic, and it’s difficult to sort out a single source of the pain.
4. Migraines, used to be chronic but now are about every three months (coinciding with menstrual cycle on Quasense). They can be intractable, lasting a week or even longer at a time. On a few occasions have occurred with stroke-like symptoms lasting up to two months. The stroke-like episodes responded to short-term prednisone. The menstrual migraines don’t respond to medication and eventually burn out on their own.
5. Neuropathy, can range from burning pain to tingling to severe sharp jolts. Usually short-lived, lasting 20 minutes or less, but have had episodes of burning pain or tingling lasting multiple days to weeks. Most of this is from the knees down and the elbows down, but occasionally will get a sharp pain that travels throughout the body. Most common pain is sudden jolts in right big toe or other parts of foot or ankle that are so severe that I jump and yell.
6. Body-wide low-level neurological pain, constant. This is extremely difficult to describe. It’s like background noise. I am able to ignore it most of the time. It went away once when I was on Topamax, but returned when the medication was discontinued.

Areas of worst pain: feet, hips, entire back and neck, ankles, calves, knees, chest/rib cage, hands, wrists.

Current pain management: Meloxicam, fish oil, magnesium. Muscle relaxants (used very sparingly due to side effects) when spasms are severe and long-lasting. Arthritis Foundation-approved water therapy, 40 minutes 3 days a week. Gazelle glider machine, 25 minutes very slowly, 3 other days a week. Cannot tolerate raising my heart rate higher than 90 beats per minute. Massage and chiropractic once a month.

Current activities: water therapy, church on Sundays. These are the only consistent activities outside the home. I can do dishes but that is the only consistent housework. Cannot do yard work at all. Approximately two hours per day on computer including social networking. Read the newspaper and watch TV. Cannot work or consistently engage in other social activity.

Goals: to reduce pain to consistently tolerable level (a 5 or less would be fantastic). Improve sleep to get through the night without waking from pain. Hoping reduction in pain would lead to less fatigue and cognitive dysfunction as well. Would like to be able to increase social activity and time spent at computer. Would like to be able to engage in cardiovascular exercise.

What makes the pain worse: sitting, standing or walking for more than a few minutes at a time. Poor sleep. Muscle spasms/twitches/cramps, particularly when trying to sleep. Lying in one position more than 20 minutes. ANY repetitive activity. Opening sealed containers. Driving. Social interaction via telephone or in person. Shopping. Non-ergonomic situations (uncomfortable chairs/seating arrangements, confining spaces). Sitting in bath tub. Travel. Housecleaning. Yard work.

Medication I tried that didn’t help: Naprosyn, Ecotrin, Motrin, Advil, Nuprin, Aleve, Sinemet, Xanax, Rozerem, Mirapex, Ativan.

Medication that worked initially then lost effectiveness: Clinoril, Relafen, Diclofenac, Lodine, Lyrica, Neurontin, Migranal, Midrin, Zomig, Imitrex. Bextra and Vioxx worked but were pulled from market.

Medication I cannot tolerate due to side effects:
ALL NARCOTICS & ULTRAM CAUSE SEVERE VOMITING DUE TO GASTROPARESIS.
Elavil, Doxepin, Nortriptyline, Trazodone, Prozac, Paxil, Amitriptyline: twitching, tremor, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, paranoia.
Topamax caused fainting.
Zanaflex caused bodywide twitching.
Flexeril and Klonopin caused daytime sedation so severe I couldn’t function at all.
“caine” anesthetics: racing pulse, hyperventilation, shaking, crying, etc.

A hilarious gem from debi d. in 2002. Don't know if she made this up herself or if she copied it, but it does make me laugh hysterically....


TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NEKKID

10. No one EVER steals your personal chair!!!

9. Gives "Bad Hair Day" a WHOLE new meaning!

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also come to work *skunky drunky!*

7. Your office-mates stop stealing your pens after they see where you keep them!!!

6. you want to see if it's really like your dream where your boss chokes to death on a bun as you walk through the door!!!

5. to STOP that extra creepy programmer in mismatched plaid, gold chains, & pretend "x-ray glasses" from looking down your top!!!

4. no more requests for office *donations*~~~ "sorry, I left my wallet in my skirt pocket!"

3. what a CREATIVE way to FINALLY meet that *HOTTIE* in Human Resources! Hubba-Hubba!!!

2. you can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your great tan!!!

AND.......DRUMROLL PLEASE.......... THE NUMBER 1 REASON TO GO TO WORK NEKKID IS
1. The boss will never say, "I wanna see your ASS in here by 8:ooAM" EVER again!!!

The following is from one of my church services:

Bishop John Shelby Spong writes, "To walk the Christ path is to be empowered to step outside and beyond various human security systems. It is to walk beyond all religious forms that bind our humanity in order to enter the religion-less world of a new humanity. It is to seek divinity not externally but as the deepest dimension of what it means to be human. It is to enter divinity only when we become free to give ourselves away."

May we celebrate the insights of all paths:
From Buddhism, liberation from compulsive thinking;
From Judaism, the power of story for healing;
From Christianity, the vision for social justice;
From Islam, surrender and discipline;
From Hinduism, the celebration of diversity;
From Baha'i, the power of waging peace;
From Sufism, the power of inner awakening;
From activists, the passion for justice;
From children, the power of now;
From artists, the creative expression;
From animals and plants, the abundance and flow of nature.
There are as many paths to God as there are feet to walk them.

Going through the e-mails real fast before returning to something I absolutely have to get done tonight. Found this link via another post on a fibromyalgia Facebook page:

You know you have fibromyalgia when...

I have an appointment with a pain doctor tomorrow. Not feeling very confident about it as I truly believe I have already tried all that is reasonable to try. Just finished some awful medication for a bacterial infection and have had three minor "procedures" (surgeries) since October as well as a major change to my diet in the past few weeks. I am soooooo not in the mood for new medications that may cause yet another bout of side effects.

But I am on disability and am almost four years overdue for a review by Social Security of whether my disabling condition(s) has/have shown substantial enough improvement for me to go back to work so they can discontinue benefits. Even if I am not better, if I don't go to medical specialists for ongoing treatment, Social Security can wrongly conclude that I must be feeling better. It doesn't matter if the docs can't do a damned thing for me, I must have a paper trail that shows I am going to appointments. So I have agreed to go to the pain doc even though I would rather walk hot coals.

Yesterday, I started typing up a summary that I will bring to the appointment, stuff that I'm pretty sure they'll ask that is either difficult to remember or difficult to describe. It is taking me far longer to do than I had predicted, and I am only halfway through it. I was listing just how severe the pain is, what types I have, how widespread it is, etc. when I realized that it truly is much more intense than I generally let on, and this depressed me. Believe it or not, even though most people focus on the pain of fibromyalgia (and that of my other ailments), I tend to ignore it as much as possible. It is the exhaustion and cognitive dysfunction that destroy my ability to function, so those get most of my attention. After 14 years of 24/7 pain, I guess I just take it for granted, especially since I know nothing exists that will rid me of all of it.

Okay, now I'm stalling from getting back to my depressing documentation. Maybe I will post some of it here once I finish to show you what I mean....

glitter-graphics.com

Got this link from Stacy in a comment about how fascinating space is even for those of us without a great deal of technical aptitude. I added this to my links list as well:

Astronomy Picture of the Day

I took an astronomy course in college. I almost flunked it because I couldn't figure out the formulas, but the final was an essay on the lifespan of stars, and essays are my strong suit, so I managed a "C" grade overall. My fave part of the class was when we went out to the country (a very short drive from our tiny university) and looked at the planets through a telescope. I actually got to see the rings on Saturn.

P.S. If you click on the "Discover the cosmos" link, you get a list of archived photos. Check these out because some of them are really fantastic.

I'm pretty sure this originally came from Ducky. She was one of the first people to send me e-mail jokes regularly. This is dated 2002....


THE TOP 45 OXYMORONS OF ALL TIME:
(An oxymoron is a combination of two words that are completely opposite in meaning)

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt head

26. Military intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Child Proof

21. "Now, then -- "

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

-- And the number 1 oxymoron is --
1. Microsoft Works

"Be like a flower and turn your face to the sun."

- Kahill Gibran

I could be playing these myself someday, heh heh. From the recently revealed 2002 archives....


TOP TEN GAMES FOR THE ELDERLY

10. Sag, You're it.

9. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

5. Doc Goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Hide and go pee.

2. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

1. Musical recliners.

Practicing Appreciative Understanding

Mahatma Gandhi was the first to point to interfaith nonviolence. He broke new ground in so many ways, from fighting segregation in South Africa through satyagraha (soul force) and nonviolent resistance, to leading a peaceful revolution against British imperialism in India. But he saw early on the equality of the world's religions because of the common ground of nonviolence. He later professed a vow of tolerance toward all religions and openness to the truth of nonviolence within each religion.

"Religions are different roads converging to the same point," Gandhi once wrote. "What does it matter that we take different roads, so long as we reach the same goal? I believe that, if only we could all read the scriptures of different faiths, we should find that they are at bottom all one and were all helpful to one another. There will be no lasting peace on earth unless we learn not merely to tolerate but even to respect other faiths as our own."

As we learn from each others' religion, Gandhi discovered, we can help each other deepen in the faith of our own personal tradition. His critique of organized Christianity - that it rejected the nonviolence of Jesus and has become an imperial religion based on the Roman Empire - has helped innumerable Christians return to the core teachings of Jesus, beginning with the Sermon on the Mount. The Baptist Martin Luther King, Jr. testified that the Hindu Gandhi helped him more than anyone else to follow Christ.

- taken from an article written by Father John Dear

This has probably been posted before, but it's too hilarious to not repeat. And, BELIEVE it or not, I've just about exhausted the 2003 archives. This is actually from 2002, the year I got my computer and first started receiving jokes via e-mail....


How to Give a Pill to Your Cat!

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: 1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

This came from my church newsletter:

Mahatma Gandhi professed that all religions are true. He said, "I believe in Sarvadharamsamanvatva 'having equal regard for all faiths and creeds'." He wrote, "Religions are not for separating men from one another, they are meant to bring them together. It is a misfortune that today they are so distorted that they have become a potential cause of strife and mutual slaughter."

Gandhi also said, "Let no one say that he is a follower of Gandhi. It is enough that I should be my own follower. I know what an inadequate follower I am of myself, for I cannot live up to the convictions I stand for. You are no followers but fellow students, fellow pilgrims, fellow seekers, fellow workers."

I watched the most fascinating edition of "Nova" tonight! It was all about the IBM computer, "Watson", which has been programmed to play the game show "Jeopardy!" against humans:

Smartest Machine on Earth

I already have my DVR set up to record "Jeopardy!" on February 14-16, when Watson goes up against the two best human players of all time, one of whom is my hero Ken Jennings. The winner of the three-day match gets $1 million; if a human wins, 50 percent will go to charity, but if Watson wins, it will all go to charity.

I seem to have no shortage of workplace humor. Another wacky list from the 2003 archives....


20 Fun Things to Do in an Office

1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'

2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'

3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.

5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.

8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.'

10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.

11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.

12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.

13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'

14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'

15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.

16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.

17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.

18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.

19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.

20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.

"The world in which you were born is just one model or reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human spirit."

- Wade Davis

Okay, this joke is definitely a groaner, and out of date to boot. But it made me smile, so I will subject my readers to it....

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

Got this from the latest edition of the Celiac.com newsletter. What a talented pooch!

Dog Detective Sniffs Out Gluten

Was reading just this week that a dog in Japan was able to detect colon cancer with 98 percent accuracy by scent alone. Aren't pups amazing?

Got this link from Cindy, my newest Facebook friend. There are some incredible pix here. My fave is the "Eye of God"....

Amazing Space Pictures

I've always been fascinated with astronomy. Only problem is that I'm never able to comprehend the equations that go along with it. So I usually settle for looking at awesome photos from the telescopes.

Okay, sort of tacky subject matter, but it made me giggle. From the 2003 archives....


Subject: colonoscopies 

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 

3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" 

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married." 

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ...." 

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Loving God, within and around us, we revere you.
We seek to live life as you would want us to do: with love and respect for all people and all things in the universe.
May we find each day sufficient for our needs.
And find forgiveness when we do wrong, just as we forgive those who do wrong to us.
In times of trouble, may we center our lives in you.
For your being is love, which comes with strength and with beauty throughout eternity.
Amen."

- Margaret Folfe, Uniting Church of St. James

Wheee! More list-mania from the 2003 archives....


HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE!

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address be: zena-goddess-of-fire@yourcompanyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".

11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire office.

12) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

13) dontuseanypuncuationorspaces.

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Hum when you ride an elevator.

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:
24) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

"I can hear the sizzle of a new born star and know that anything of meaning, of fierce magic, is emerging here. I am witness to flexible eternity, the evolving past. And I know we will live forever, as dust or breath in the face of stars, in the shifting pattern of the winds."

- Joy Harjo

I just love these funny lists of helpful "suggestions"! Another gem courtesy of the 2003 archives....


Fun at the Drive Thru

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-taker's order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

"Most Compassionate Life-giver,
May we honor and praise you;
May we work with you to establish your new order of justice, peace, and love.
Give us what we need for growth,
And help us, through forgiving others, to accept forgiveness.
Strengthen in the time of testing, that we may resist all evil.
For all the tenderness, strength, and love are yours, now and forever.
Amen."

- adapted by Bill Wallace

Here's a rave that some might find inspiring. It was tucked away in the 2003 archives...


What a woman should have...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder...and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect.. but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

Prayer of Confession

"I admit to you, O God, that I am often distressed by the daily news; by the failure of nations to agree, by the insistent problems of hunger and war and economy, by crime and negligence and immorality. I wish my sense of the presence of Christ were strong and I had more confidence in your dominion over the world. Then I would not be shaken by the winds of adversity but would stand like a tree planted by the living waters. Forgive my weakness and deepen my faith through Jesus Christ I pray. Amen."

Sometimes I feel about as powerful as this guy, heh heh.

Most of my life's most embarrassing moments don't begin to compare to some of these. Enjoy these funnies which come from the 2003 archives....


A Little Laugh Or Two, Or Three, Or....


Ever Want to Curl Up and  Die?

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow, and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I then turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .... he knew better. (Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX)

 
Pad,  please!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
(Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC)


Ho, Ho,  Ho

I was taking a shower, when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable - so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well, that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture and, laughing hysterically, she suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that, in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!


Lady  Golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. (There's such a thing as women's golf balls?) After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
(Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI)


Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."  My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
(Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD)


Na-na na-na na-nah!

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
(Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia)


Priceless

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
(Diane E. Amov)


Sheep Fries..........

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

Prayer of a Seeker

"It seems to me Lord that we search much too desperately for answers, when a good question holds as much grace as an answer.
Jesus, you are the Great Questioner.
Keep our questions alive, that we may always be seekers rather than settlers.
Guard us well from the sin of settling in with our answers hugged to our breasts.
Make of us a wondering, far-sighted, questioning, restless people
And give us the feet of pilgrims on this journey unfinished."

- Macrina Wiederkehr

"Our Father-Mother, who is in the heavens,
May your name be made holy,
May your dominion come,
May your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today the bread we need;
And forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors;
And do not put us to the test, but rescue us from evil.
For yours is the dominion, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen."

- New Century Hymnal

Raided the 2003 archives once again. Whether or not this is true, it reminds me of the time when my stepsister's daughter stuck sanitary napkins to the bottoms of her shoes so she could skate on the hardwood floor!


The Good Napkins!

The moral of this story? Always take time to explain! Remember, this could be you.

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, told me that those were for "special occasions".

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special
occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. And, confused, I said, "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

It can be really embarrassing to live in South Dakota sometimes. Here's an excellent example of why:

Bill would require all S.D. citizens to buy a gun

Yes, I understand that some people are less than pleased about the health care bill. But this is a lousy way to prove a point. Not only does it waste time that should be spent on, say, South Dakota's budget crisis, it creates the impression that everyone here thinks they live in the Wild Wild West.

I saw this in my local newspaper today and just had to share my annoyance. Courtesy of The Argus Leader:

Name change creates big fuss

It shouldn't make any difference WHY someone changed their name. If a new name is legally valid, South Dakota should accept it and allow the applicant to get a driver's license! The woman in the article has a valid Social Security card with her new name, so it's not like she has no proof.

"An Irish Blessing"
by Roma Downey and Phil Coulter from the CD titled "Touched by an Angel":

May the blessing of light be upon you: Light on the outside, light on inside. With God's sunlight shining on you, may your heart glow with warmth like a turf fire that welcomes friends and strangers alike.

May the light of the Lord shine from your eyes like a candle in the window, welcoming the weary traveler.

May the blessing of God's soft rain be on you, falling gently on your head, refreshing your soul with the sweetness of little flowers newly blooming.

May the strength of the winds of heaven bless you, carrying the rain to wash your spirit clean, sparkling after in the sunlight.

May the blessing of God's earth be on you. And as you walk the roads may you always have a kind word for those you meet.

May you understand the strength and power of God in a thunderstorm and winter and the quiet beauty of creation in the calm of a summer sunset.

And may you come to realize that, insignificant as you may seem in this great universe, you are an important part of God's plan.

May God watch over you and keep you safe from harm.

More goodies from the 2003 archives. I like the "logic" of the following funnies....


Sometimes it doesn't pay to argue with kids.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
..................................................................
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
..........................................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
..........................................................
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
.........................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
.......................................
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
...............................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Another poem from a fibromyalgia site. Also from the fibromyalgia Facebook page:

A Thief came to my house today

I wish my poems were still available online. I wrote quite a few between 1997 and 2005 before my cognitive function made it too difficult. Perhaps I will post them here at some point.

This contains a bit of language, but I still find it amusing enough to share. Originally sent to me by Robert....


Math to Ponder

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.